ON HOLD ARCHIVES

Archive for 2012

Saturday, December 29, 2012

We kicked off today’s show almost missing a host! Abe ran in four minutes to showtime, said he was late because of his bowels, tossed his coat down & groaned that he “didn’t finish.” We’re not sure how “unfinished” it was — but for all intents and purposes, just assume that he did the first 25 minutes touching cotton.

Here’s another … Read More

Friday, December 28, 2012

We kicked off the show with… shoes. In a nutshell, Bass “accidentally” packed Abe’s dress shoes following our trip to New York for Howard’s holiday party. This also meant that Abe had Bass’ kicks — an honest mistake. Being the good friend that he is, with NO ulterior motives, Bass called Abe and kindly volunteered to throw Abe’s Kenneth Cole shoes in … Read More

Saturday, December 22, 2012

We kicked off the show with a PSA, of sorts: If you’re gifting a new puppy for Christmas, it is unwise to wrap it two weeks early.

It didn’t take long for Bass to reveal his true colors. Here’s how it went down: In celebration of the holidays + a great year of broadcasts, Sam generously offered to treat the crew … Read More

Saturday, December 15, 2012

For the first time in the history of this program, we kicked things off without a hint of sarcasm. No joking. No 25-minute string of insults at whichever one of us happened to be unlucky enough to take the “ball-busting pendulum.” And justifiably so. We had a rare, but serious discussion about the atrocity in Newtown, Connecticut.

It goes without saying … Read More

Saturday, December 08, 2012

We kicked off the show with good tidings of cheer and the happiest of Hanukah’s for Bass. Ever the diligent and faithful Jew, he’s celebrating by drinking pigs blood and working.

An early entry into the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I wanted to talk about Christmas, which is on… what is it? The… 25th?” This year, yes, Abe.

Abe brought up Christmas because … Read More

Saturday, December 01, 2012

We started today’s show on the wrong foot. Something was just not right. And it wasn’t the fact that December 1st in Chicago was 60 degrees. No, we just couldn’t put our finger on it. After 3 minutes of horrible acting, Abe played Bone Thugs “1st of Tha Month,” (as mandated by our contract) and all was right with the … Read More

Saturday, November 24, 2012

We kicked off the show jamming out to a little Danzig! Abe sees a window to play that scumbag, you better believe he takes it. What’s funny, though, is that Abe commented, almost proudly, that we’re the only radio show in America to open with a Danzig song… completely oblivious that there’s good reason for that.

We revealed the blueprints to … Read More

Friday, November 23, 2012

We kicked off this special Black Friday edition with the least shocking news imaginable: last night’s Kanan Family Thanksgiving broke down right around dessert and ended with Sam putting an innocent cousin thru the Spanish announce table. Apparently, Abe & Sam started arguing about Notre Dame’s head football coach. And the rest was history. The credits rolled with Sam staring … Read More

Sunday, November 18, 2012

We kicked off the show with a tearful sermon from Abe; a funeral, with words of comfort aimed at consoling our brother, Bass. It’s been a tough week for him filled with grieving. Over the unexpected death of his best friend….. the Hostess Twinkie.
We talked more about Hostess closing their doors after 82 years. If you want to understand how … Read More

Saturday, November 10, 2012

We kicked off the show with some breaking news out of Florida. You know how the other 49 states reported all of their votes in roughly 12 hours on Tuesday? Well, Florida just finished. They’re like your mentally handicapped cousin — you genuinely love visiting him, but he can be pretty embarrassing in public.

Abe said that after watching Obama’s victory … Read More

Saturday, November 03, 2012

We revisited last night’s abortion of a show. During a 4 hour broadcast, we did a grand total of 3 minutes and 47 seconds of live radio, thanks to Hurricane Sandy knocking out our ISDN lines. The highlight of which was our producer Brittan’s music choice in an emergency. When all else failed, Brittan grabbed the only thing that made … Read More

Thursday, November 01, 2012

We kicked off the show, as we do every first of the month, with the extended version of Bone Thugs & Harmony’s “1st of the Month.” And we’re no closer to knowing any more lyrics beyond “we havin’ a celebration..”

We talked about the fact that our studio looks like the fallout from a potato chip factory explosion. Abe explained that … Read More

Saturday, October 27, 2012

We kicked off the Halloween edition of The Abe Kanan  Show with a rundown of each of our costumes:

Sam Kanan, who spent 6 years of his life  making people call him Joey Fatone, has reprised his role at the former NSync fatty.
Bass is straight out tha’ Guess Who box and has become a life-sized version of Bill from the popular … Read More

Saturday, October 20, 2012

We kicked off the show with Abe’s recollection of the year 2000, in which Sam Kanan first fell in love with NSync’s Joey Fatone. So much so, that Sam decided to start looking like him. Of course, Sam denied the charge, but the Quotebook never lies. Sam — your own words, sir: “I didn’t grow a beard just to be … Read More

Saturday, October 13, 2012

We kicked off the show with the new Rolling Stones joint “Doom & Gloom.” I just want to point out that the official studio recording of that song does not say the word “coooo” every 4 seconds. Believe it or not, that was just Abe Kanan playing a separate piece of audio over a song.

Speaking of “coooo,” Abe found a … Read More

Saturday, October 06, 2012

We kicked off the show with 2 & a half minutes of Ice Cube’s “Today was a Good Day.” And as only a room full of 4 white kids can, we only rhymed the end of each bar.
I got my grub on, but didn’t PIG OUT
Finally got a call from a girl I wanna DIG OUT

But really, as Abe said.. … Read More

Friday, October 05, 2012

We kicked off the show talking about Abe’s continued move in to the new crib. Today was cable & internet hook-up day, which prompted this queRstion: is it common practice to tip the cable guy? Ever the over-tipper, Abe not only kicked ol’ boy a $20 bill, he went out and bought him 4 Coronas! Which the guy drank on … Read More

Monday, October 01, 2012

We kicked off the special 1-hour show as we do any time we’re in on the 1st of a month — with Abe playing the entire extended version of Bone Thugs & Harmony “1st of the Month” while yelling “coo,” “tight” and random nonsense about “pulling his stick out.”

Immediately after Bone ended, here’s one from the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “We’re … Read More

Saturday, September 29, 2012

We kicked off the show with another major announcement regarding the Best Bet of the Week: Abe showed rare emotion and said that watching Sam run the BBOTW was like seeing an ex-girlfriend wearing Doug Simpson’s letterman’s jacket.

And in standard Abe Kanan fashion, he found a way to weasel out of reality, change the rules and resume his role as … Read More

Saturday, September 22, 2012

We kicked off the show with a warm welcome to the 600 members of the media — who descended on our humble studio from all reaches of the globe — to be part of the highly-anticipated Best Bet of the Week press conference. Which, I’ll add, was being held because Abe started the NFL regular season at 0-2.

The Best Bet … Read More

Monday, September 17, 2012

Abe kicked off the show with a red alert for his boy Brad – you’re cut off.

After years of taking off his shirt before bar fights, after driving Ace Ventura-style down the Dan Ryan and puking into the wind while Abe whimpered in the passenger seat.. the final straw came this weekend, when Brad brought home a one-night-stand and did … Read More

Saturday, September 15, 2012

We kicked off the show commenting on our show’s most recent intro. And, based on the fact that our friends back in New York combed hours and hours of archived Abe Kanan Show audio.. and the best representation of Bass was him saying the word “alright…” It’s led us to realize that everyone back at Sirius thinks Bass is literally … Read More

Saturday, September 08, 2012

Abe & Sam started the show with a review of last night’s KISS & Crue show.

Turns out Sam is NOT a man of his word. For weeks, on this show, he steadfastly said that he was waiting in the parking lot until Motley Crue was finished. Cut to last night.. and according to Abe, Sam fought his way up to … Read More

Thursday, September 06, 2012

We kicked off the show with today’s biggest headline – that scumbag Drew Peterson was found guilty of murdering his 3rd wife. The Abe Kanan Show is the only media outlet with courtroom audio – if you want to hear it.. just put on The Godfather Part 2.

We find out November 26th if Drew spends the full 60 years getting … Read More

Saturday, September 01, 2012

We kicked things off with Abe’s final explanation of the phrase “coooo.” It’s from “White Men Can’t Jump.” So stop asking him. And get off his lawn. Crabby ass muffffhugger.

Also – thanks to the Miami Herald for featuring the Abe Kanan Show on their front page today! They were the first paper in the country to pick up our campaign … Read More

Friday, August 31, 2012

We kicked off the program with the grating sounds of Abe Kanan’s morning alarm. After further consideration, the fact that he wakes up to an emergency airhorn is a large part of the reason he’s such an angry prick.

We did a tribute to all the dickholes in medium market morning radio, who, no matter what time you wake up.. they … Read More

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