ON HOLD ARCHIVES

Archive for 2013

THANK YOU!

Thanks to all of our great listeners for almost 3 years at Howard 101. We were informed that our show will no longer be on Howard 101. I want to thank Howard Stern for giving us an opportunity on his channel. It was definitely a dream come true to work for the greatest of all time, and a guy that … Read More

Thursday, October 31, 2013

We kicked off tonight’s special Halloween episode of The Abe Kanan Show with a few costume “dos and don’ts.” But mainly don’ts. And actually, the more I think about it, we actually never got past #1 in the don’t column: BLACKFACE.

We stopped short of sharing its 19th century minstrel and vaudevillian history. We passed on preaching the ramifications to … Read More

Friday, August 2, 2013

We kicked this thing off with a little Abe-gression! It’s like normal aggression with no clear path or target. Picture that Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman outside of car dealers, only with knives taped to his hands… that’s Abe-gression! And it happens to Abe every so often, every couple of weeks, you don’t know where it’s coming from. Case and … Read More

Friday, July 12, 2013

We kicked this sum’bitch off not a moment too soon. I’ve never included the unaired, pre-show happenings in my post-show recap, but I need to peel back the curtain on this one.

The hour leading up to this broadcast gave me the same bleak, never-ending feeling as the entire months of January and February. Without even hearing why, I already know … Read More

Friday, June 14, 2013

We started tonight’s show a bit differently. The first 25 minutes were essentially our stab at one of those old-timey radio dramas. It’s an original piece entitled About Last Night. Part tragedy. Part comedy. But only comedic because it’s so tragic. Similar to the narrative style of Forrest Gump, our story began at the end, working backwards to explain how … Read More

Friday, June 7, 2013

We kicked this thing off with a few figurative pumps of Windex on the continually cloudy window of adult birthdays. Hopefully we made it clear enough — grown-ups don’t get a full month of self-planned parties and friends shouldn’t be expected to treat each one like it’s your Sweet 16. Hitting double digits was a big deal, deserving of presents … Read More

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Tonight’s show started with Abe salivating over storytime; he simply could not wait to tell The Tale of the Tainted Coffee. Indeed, ‘twas another Abe Kanan Original™. Those are the special stories in which the subject matter is merely based on real life events. Which, of course, is code for Abe taking drastic liberties with facts in an attempt to … Read More

Friday, May 31, 2013

We kicked it off with a big bon voyage to our buddy Bass, who was, unfortunately, terminated before this evening’s program. Yep, Dan Levy. Fired. A real shocker. It’s almost unbelievable. But apparently, the company has “decided to go in another direction.”

I should be clear — that quote I just read about the company? That was actually a fake quote from Sam … Read More

Friday, May 17, 2013

We kicked it off with the follow-up to last night’s news that Sam would be taking this evening off. You’ll recall – he told us that he had to take a caravan of inner city 8th graders on a camping trip to Wisconsin.

Abe has often told us about when they were younger — any time Sam got upset, he packed … Read More

Thursday, May 16, 2013

We kicked it off with a mighty three-man push of The Abe Kanan Show’s infamous Ball-Busting Pendulum™. Tonight, she was pointed squarely at Sam Kanan who, we found out, is “pulling a Bass” and missing tomorrow night’s show. Sam hasn’t sat out a single second in over two years, so clearly he’s called off for something important, right? Wrong.

Sam has … Read More

Friday, May 10, 2013

We dropped the needle on this one by dropping a bombshell! But first.. a little setup:

After last night’s show, the four of us pulled an all-nighter. Like the posse of potential Popes shutting in at the Vatican, we had a life-altering decision to make. A choice so significant that we locked ourselves inside this studio, agreeing that no one was … Read More

Thursday, May 09, 2013

We set it off with Abe doing two things he does best:

Roasting the pathetic majority of radio losers
Patting himself on the back

Abe stopped just shy of giving himself some type of humanitarian award for turning down an offer to speak at an out-of-town broadcasting “school.” And I use the word school loosely — it’s a school in the same way … Read More

Friday, May 03, 2013

We fired her up with another Abe-ism outta deep right field: “Is it possible for a cooooo person to cancel out a douchebag?” He was referring to Matthew McConaughey and Guy Fieri, respectively. For reasons unknown, Abe wasted a portion of his afternoon watching an old replay of Guy’s ButtHut on The Food Network. (Is that what’s it called, Abe?) Anyway, Matthew was pretending to … Read More

Thursday, May 02, 2013

We kicked this sucker off with a live chicken sacrifice & group prayer to Lucifer in honor of Slayer’s Jeff Hanneman who permanently relocated “South of Heaven” earlier this afternoon.

In terms of rockstar deaths, Jeff really went out in a brutal blaze of badass glory! He slowly passed as a result of complications from an insect bite suffered back in … Read More

Friday, April 26, 2013

We kicked this one off with a quick tease of tonight’s guests; specifically “America’s Gigolo” Vin Armani. After paying numerous compliments to the realism of Gigolos’ mindbendingly complex storylines, Abe was reminded that our guy Bass missed his calling. Partly because, well, he’s not very skilled in this field. But also because Bass has such a unique look, size and shape … Read More

Thursday, April 25, 2013

We started with, easily, my favorite Abe-ism of April: “Does anyone else get the sense that Diane Sawyer really knows her way around a stick?”

Pretty unanimous in here that, when that red light goes off, she becomes quite the swine in the sack. Hard to explain, exactly, but the signs are all there.

Sam pointed out, halfway thru that discussion that Diane … Read More

Friday, April 19, 2013

We kicked ‘er off with a show of hands — who, at 8:02 PM (EST), is listening to The Abe Kanan Show? Admittedly, an odd choice considering the FBI and Boston cops were literally pulling the surviving suspect out of a speedboat in some dude’s backyard. It was essentially the can’t-miss climax of an entire day spent glued to news.

Surprisingly, … Read More

Thursday, April 18, 2013

We kicked this thing off with Abe setting his phone to “Do Not Disturb” because, apparently, all of the annoying bill collectors, at their irritating 800-numbers haven’t yet learned that Abe Kanan hosts The Abe Kanan Show between these hours on these days. As you can imagine, it is far too distracting for Abe to manually ignore the calls like … Read More

Friday, April 12, 2013

We launched this bad boy with Abe waxing nostalgic about his first ever raise at his very first radio job. A young Ryan Manno was the Marty to his Doc, so I can absolutely vouch for his story’s validity. Abe’s boss, a 48-year-old, former bodybuilding dwarf (a certified dwarf), who bleached his hair every week to stay “hip” (he was making … Read More

Thursday, April 11, 2013

We kicked this one off with yet another thrilling installment of Abe Kanan’s Workout Misadventures. It’s been a good while since we’ve heard about one of Abe’s gym disasters, so I was actually looking forward to hearing this..

You see, the Harlem Globetrotters, with whom Abe normally runs on the hardwood had a full squad (again), leaving no open room for … Read More

Friday, April 05, 2013

We kicked this beast off with an impromptu lemon bath for the grimiest, green elbow this side of the mighty Mississip’ — Dan “Bass” Levy. Quick setup: When we left you last night, we were all dismayed at the revelation that Bass actually had the dreaded “dirty elbows” that Abe has ranted on and warned against for many years.

So during … Read More

Thursday, April 04, 2013

We tipped this bitch over with a deep cut from Slash’s Snakepit. So, for the thousands of you impatiently waiting on hold to ask who was responsible that fresh ass tune — Slash’s Snakepit.**

**Abe: I know you bleed GNR, but that sucked. I heard better vocals when I judged Cicero’s Got Talent. And Cicero doesn’t got talent.

On the bright side, … Read More

Friday, March 28, 2013

We kicked off this Good Friday festival of nonsense with the fastest-ever transition from Jesus to “handies” in radio history. In a matter of 37 seconds, we started with Good Friday, which brought a quick mention of Christ’s crucifixion.. from there, I remarked that it’s actually a better-than-good Friday in Chicago, thanks to our sudden rash of temps in the … Read More

Thursday, March 27, 2013

We kicked this sum’bitch off with an amusing (and 100% true) trip down memory lane. Back in 2003, Maroon 5 frontman, Adam Levine, showed up unannounced at our old radio station. He and his bandmates came bearing stacks of pizzas and some acoustic instruments, asking if he could sing a little ditty called Harder to Breathe while we ate our … Read More

Friday, March 15, 2013

We pushed start on this special Just the Tip episode of The Abe Kanan Show with our standard roll call. Let’s see.. Abe? (Here) Sam? (Present) Ryan? (Affirmative) Bass? …

Bass??? …

Okay, no Bass. What gives? We found out that our big man couldn’t be bothered to arrive an hour after Seder tipoff time tonight.

Note: Before I go any further.. we’ll … Read More

Thursday, March 14, 2013

We started this thing up with a roundtable on the Cardinals’ new skipper — Pope Francis the 1st! Not only the first Francis, but the first Argentinian Pontiff. Wait.. Argentina? Great. Another job taken by a Latino.

We took turns inadvertently butchering Francis’ real name –- Jorge Bergoglio. Which, I pointed out, looks like it could be the Spanish word for … Read More

Friday, March 08, 2013

We kicked this thing off with a super unexpected addition to the Abe Kanan Show “Big Board.” I honestly don’t think anyone saw this coming! Danielle Fischel, Topanga from “Boy Meets World,” is on the cover of the new Maxim. And what a triumphant comeback! Three years ago, she looked like Tom Sizemore in a wig. Now? Girl Meets Wood. … Read More

Thursday, March 07, 2013

We wasted no time in filing a gem in the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I’m known for being brave. I’m known for my courage. If this were the Wizard of Oz, I definitely wouldn’t be the cowardly lion. Wait… is he the…? Yeah, he needed courage.”

That was Abe’s roundabout way of admitting that he’s legitimately concerned over North Korea’s latest empty … Read More

Friday, March 01, 2013

We kicked this sucker off like we do every 1st — with a little help from Bone Thugs! Yeah, four white guys in a multi-million dollar studio celebrating the arrival of our government checks!

We issued a formal apology to all of the nerds who tuned in tonight hoping to hear Burt Ward, who played Robin on the 1960’s “Batman” TV … Read More

Friday, February 22, 2013

We kicked off the show with Abe all bent out of shape like a post-tour Willy Wonka. Sounded like he was fixin’ to read the riot act to Grandpa Joe & Charlie Bucket! … under section 37B of the contract signed by you, it states, quite clearly, that all broadcast callers shall become null & void if they do not … Read More

Thursday, February 21, 2013

We kicked off the show with a major proclamation from Abe Kanan, regarding Abe Kanan. A public pledge, paving the road to his prosperous future! Annnnd spoken like a remedial 5th grader, he said, “I will be a millionaire!”

Now, I know what you’re thinking, but hang on a second — he wasn’t done! See, unlike most millionaires, Abe says he’ll … Read More

Friday, February 15, 2013

We kicked this thing off with talk of Michael Jordan’s 50th birthday. What do ya get the man who, even in retirement, is clearing over $80 million a year? Personally, I’d go with a mustache trimmer & have him ditch the “Black Hitler” look. Bass, on the other hand, wants to lay MJ on a waterbed, give him an inner-thigh … Read More

Thursday, February 14, 2013

We welcomed all our Men & Women of Honor to this very special Valentine’s Day episode witruths ate of toxic truth from the anti-Cupid’s (Abe) arrow. He encouraged anyone who is currently unhappy in their relationship to use this romantic evening, not to fall deeper into misery, but as the jumping off point you’ve been waiting for. So, if you’re … Read More

Thursday, February 07, 2013

We kicked off tonight’s show with the first ever Abe Kanan Show Intervention. Our very own Bass has a problem. And it’s deeply affecting all of us. Those of you who follow Bass on Twitter or are friends with him on Facebook, you already know. He is badly addicted to posting photos of himself posing with microphones. Studio mic, stage … Read More

Friday, February 01, 2013

We kicked off the show as any Friday show should be kicked off – opening up the phone lines & lettin’ them digits breathe! That’s right — Open Phones Friiiiidayyyyy! Of course, Abe was merely mocking “morning zoo” radio shows who, for some reason, feel that promoting their request line pairs well with the natural excitement of a Friday.

Quick side … Read More

Friday, January 25, 2013

We kicked off the show with bitchin’ birthday wishes for our mentor, our Master Splinter, our Doc Brown – Sludge. Abe really knows how to make someone feel good on their birthday! Abe Kanan Quotebook: “1968? Wowwww. 45? I can’t believe you’re that old. I was 26 when I lived with you. You were 40 then. Damn.”

Although, after Sludge told … Read More

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Abe kicked off the show with a really sad story of heroism gone awry. An 81-year old woman was rescued from a burning building by two bystanders, who bravely went back for the others… but died. It’s been a tough day for Abe because, as he made very clear numerous times, this was his mom’s cousin’s brother’s bosses’ neice’s neighbor.

It’s … Read More

Friday, January 18, 2013

We kicked off the show with the fallout from last night’s Lance Armstrong “yes” fest. After 28 straight “yesses,” we heard the exact moment he stopped paying attention to Oprah’s questions:

Oprah: “Who’s your favorite band?”
Lance: “Yes.”
Oprah: “The 80’s British progressive rock band??”
Lance: “Yes.”

He put it on cruise control. At one point, I think he even said “Yes to the Dress.”

Despite … Read More

Thursday, January 17, 2013

We kicked off the show with a somber farewell to our former producer, Briton Callan. He was a damn fine producer, but an even better person. Who, unfortunately, stepped in front of a bus. On the highway. Our exhaustive search lasted roughly 90 minutes & we are pleased to welcome to the helm… our new producer, Stiletto! Also, none of … Read More

Friday, January 11, 2013

Huge news to kick off tonight’s program! It’s official — the Abe Kanan Show will be taking the Greyhound up north to “Pure Michigan” for a live broadcast. Indeed, nearly two years ago, we promised to broadcast live from the unveiling of the then-rumored Robocop statue. Fast forward to this afternoon & the city council has signed off on the … Read More

Thursday, January 10, 2013

We kicked off the very first show in our new time slot with a brief rundown of our background. Just to let any new or unfamiliar listeners know that we are more than qualified for this spot, both as a collective and as individuals.

Abe, for instance, took the top spot in the 1993 New Lenox Shriner’s Pinewood Derby. Sam brought … Read More

Saturday, January 05, 2013

We kicked off the show with a farewell to you, our loyal Saturday audience. February 16, 2011, was the first time you welcomed us into your cars, your homes & your lives. Alas, in life, and certainly in this business, change is the only constant. So from all of us here at The Abe Kanan Show, we thank you for … Read More

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