ON HOLD EPISODE

Friday, April 05, 2013

We kicked this beast off with an impromptu lemon bath for the grimiest, green elbow this side of the mighty Mississip’ — Dan “Bass” Levy. Quick setup: When we left you last night, we were all dismayed at the revelation that Bass actually had the dreaded “dirty elbows” that Abe has ranted on and warned against for many years.

So during tonight’s intro, I silently set up a cutting board, knife, lemon and a loofah. I put on a pair of yellow rubber gloves and began my de-greening preparation (check @sam_kanan on Twitter from pix). The room was rightfully confused by my behavior.. but no one more than Bass after I began rubbing lemon juice all over his gross elbow.

See, this morning, I found some tips on making one’s elbow skin look less disgusting. And, I’m pleased to report that my concoction actually worked! Not only do we not want to gag at the sight of Bass’ elbow, I might even say that it looks clean as a whistle! So, ladies — if you’re out in Chicago this weekend and spot a clean-elbowed gent with a li’l extra throttle in his waddle.. that’s Bass. Compliment him.

After the unexpected skin treatment success, Abe and I decided to open a new spa, devoted entirely to cleaning dirty necks & elbows. Still working on the name, but I’m partial to God, Shave the Green. Stay tuned.

Anyway, back to Bass. What better birthday gift than shiny, new elbow skin? That’s right.. we followed the forced lemon bath with birthday wishes for Bass! Despite the fact that his birthday isn’t until next Tuesday. And despite the fact that we had no prior interest in wishing him a happy birthday, until he virtually guilt-tripped us, all afternoon, into calling this the “Bass Birthday Episode” of The Abe Kanan Show. Great. How exciting, Dan. Bass and middle-aged cat ladies: the only humans over the age of 30 to throw their OWN birthday parties.

My Bass mockery would be short-lived, however, as our infamous Ball Busting Pendulum doesn’t stay in one place for long. Against my urging, Abe decided to play the embarrassing voicemail that my dad left on Abe’s phone this week, in which he encouraged Abe to call and wish me luck on Cubs Opening Day..? Or maybe he wanted Abe to send me an email? Or bake red & blue brownies and come over to watch the ga—yeah, I still have no idea why he left it!?

The silver lining: before tonight, I was thinking of ways to break the news to my family that, as a 32-year old man, I am no longer as psyched for the start of the Cubs season as I was at age 8. My outlook changed dramatically after Abe played a series of voicemails from his Dad. You wanna talk about a lesson in perspective!?

Most of Mr. Kanan’s messages sounded like he was calling from the DJ booth at a slammin’ ghetto strip club. Or maybe like he was tied up in the back of his own trunk and on severely borrowed time. I don’t know where he was, but I do know that it wasn’t a preferred place for a father-son chat.

Coupled with the fact that, whenever he gave Abe a number to call back, he’d shout, “this number will only be good for the next 30 minutes, so hurry up and call, man.” Once again.. I don’t know exactly what that means, but I do know that most trouble-free folks don’t have phone numbers that expire.

We lightened the mood with ex-Hofstra University men’s basketball coach, Mo Cassara, who joined us live to talk turmoil in college sports. Cassara was recently canned because a few of his players decided to steal all the campus laptopshe, so we assumed that Mo knows a thing or two about the seedy underbelly that is NCAA athletics.

The interview highlights:

Coach shed some light on the current situation at Rutgers, where heads keep rolling after Mike Rice’s angry balls-to-the-face went viral. Mo caught us all off guard when mentioned being a longtime friend of Mike Rice. Definitely an unexpected twist to our talk! Not unexpected? Abe Kanan wasting almost no time before pressuring Coach Cassara into admitting that he would never, ever be seen in public with his good buddy again.

Abe then petitioned Mo for a spot on the basketball team he no longer coaches. His pitch? “You haven’t seen my hook shot, yet. It’s deadly, coach!” C’mon Abe! You’ve resorted to selling your skills on the phone? Sight unseen? That’s the technique of every sloppy female that calls the show, assuring us that she’s super hot.

Before we let him go, Abe also assured Coach Cassara that we’d “put in a good word with the SiriusXM people for you.” I’m sure that means a lot to a guy who never said a single word about wanting to host a radio show or needing a job. Abe, he’s a former college coach who, no doubt, got a sweet severance package. Your generosity is not lost on me, but I don’t think he needs you playing LinkedIn.

We moved from sports to entertainment and hit a few celebrity stories, starting with Halle Berry’s pregnancy news. Abe, master of strangers’ relationships, went on some mini-rant about Halle marrying that goon Oliver “only so she has someone to yell at everyone for her, without making her look like the bad guy.” Innnnnteresting, Abe. Please, do go on.

I offered this less-gay Halle Berry observation: next time you see her being interviewed on TV, close your eyes and listen to her speak. She sounds exactly like Michael Jackson. It’s freaky.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Going to a Cash for Gold store is exactly like going to church at a bodega.”

Followed by a rare entry into the Sam Kanan Quotebook: “I was making really good money on video games at 16.. all thanks to crack.”

We landed in some talk of breast implants; specifically whether or not the newer models feel any more realistic than the originals, which, if blindfolded, could pass as medicine balls.

Dr. Abe advised any flat-chested young listeners who might be considering an upgrade to “start small.. then stretch them out.”

All of our teet talk, however, would be soon ruled invalid by caller CP. A smooth sales guy in Ft. Lauderdale who, in 30 seconds, made James Bond look like Louie Anderson. This guy had it all — sick ride, slick charm, huge bank account, huger pecker. Oh, and thousands of sexual conquests.. all perfect 10’s! CP firmly advised that the four of us were waaay under qualified to have this type of conversation because we “clearly haven’t touched as many fake boobs as I have.”

Thankfully, CP didn’t stop there..

His main problem with real boobs? “When you sqeeuze ’em, your thumb pushes thru and touches your finger on the other side.” Buddy — you’re doing it wrong. Unless I’ve never met the right lady, you’re not supposed to puncture and/or pierce a breast to the point of bleeding.

From the foreplay to the aftermath, we transitioned into this week’s hot-button birth control headline – the new Morning After Pill ruling from a federal judge in Brooklyn. Homeboy lifted a law requiring ladies be at least 16 to score the emergency pill, meaning that eight-year olds so inclined can now buy a Barbie and a Plan B. Giggity.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I think you’re brave if you have an abortion.”

Followed immediately with an even better entry into the ever-brilliant Bass Quotebook: “You don’t need a prescription to have sex.”

Listener Chris called in to urge our audience to follow his lead and decorate their Harley-Davidson with unused condoms. Thanks for that, Chris!

Abe asked for any Plan B pros to share their personal experience of taking the pill; namely what physical effects were felt, if any? Vanessa answered with her account of the afternoon after the morning after. “Headache, stomach ache, tired, sensitive to light.” Which is precisely the way chick would feel after an awesome night of drinking, unprotected sex with a stranger and a gutful of regret. So, based on her recollection, the “kill pill” has no discernable side effects.

And, finally, Abe issued this shallow-but-important notice to anyone who has, does or will ever send him a text message: Messages from iPhone users appear in blue, while all the other “busters” show up green. Cementing his status as a staunch iPhone elitist, Abe warns that, if your text ain’t blue, you have two basic options —

  1. Understand that he will cast painfully harsh judgment about the quality of your character, for possessing an inferior phone.
  2. Don’t even bother. He doesn’t want to talk to you anyway.
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