ON HOLD EPISODE

Friday, April 19, 2013

We kicked ‘er off with a show of hands — who, at 8:02 PM (EST), is listening to The Abe Kanan Show? Admittedly, an odd choice considering the FBI and Boston cops were literally pulling the surviving suspect out of a speedboat in some dude’s backyard. It was essentially the can’t-miss climax of an entire day spent glued to news.

Surprisingly, though, we did have a number of people tuned in —

One guy who just upgraded to SiriusXM Premium & was testing out his new channels.

Another guy who didn’t “give a fat f— about the news.”

Followed by a dude driving down the highway “doing lines!”

Which paved the way for a strange story from Abe about being 15 years old and regularly catching rides with an “older guy” who casually blew lines while he chauffeured Abe & his friends around town. For a living, this weirdo siphoned gas out of parked cars, reselling the stolen fuel at a lower rate. But, as Abe was quick to point out, the fella wasn’t a complete degenerate — he would always ask Abe’s permission before ripping a dashboard rail thru a rolled up dollar, “because I respect you, man.”

Hit another odd interlude in which Andrew — newly appointed Squad Leader of Adjectives — called to ask which of the four of us had, years ago, remarked that our dreams were often haunted by the disgusting and disfigured face of Rocky Dennis from Mask. That would be Sam. But, when I pressed Andrew for his best adjective to describe Rocky Dennis’ mug, he admitted to actually Googling the word “adjective” last night. He knew what a “noun” was, but was a little hazy on what, exactly, he had just been made Squad Leader of. Points for honesty, Andrew!

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “If you’re a chick in Boston, with big balloons, who had sex with bombing suspect #2, call in right now. We want to talk to you.”

Listener Ari joined us live from Cambridge, Massachusetts with a super solid description of life in and around the whole locked-down scene. Our chat with Ari was a hundred times more informative than the last few hours of mainstream coverage. By the time we went on the air, CNN was down to nothing but squeaky farts.. so, it was nice to hear from an actual, level-headed human being. Unlike the reporters who have resorted to grilling a guy at Jiffy Lube who changed the suspects’ oil four years ago. “Looking at their oil filter, was there any indication that they were monsters?” Humans can only withstand so many stupid questions in a single day.

Much like this one from the Bass Quotebook: “What I wanna know is how does this terrorist kid have 46,000 Twitter followers? Was he famous or something?” Bass, buddy.. sometimes your stupidity is so stupid that it actually becomes cute.

As CNN well knows, every credible news outfit needs a reliable homo. Which is why we threw to our version of Anderson Cooper — Jay the Gay. He did a damn fine job of providing live play-by-play of the tense scene in Watertown.. which, of course, he was simply relaying from Anderson Cooper. But still, for a few minutes tonight, Jay overtook Cliff Claven as Boston’s most trusted source of secondhand news.

After all the arrest excitement, Jay earned an impromptu audition to be The Abe Kanan Show’s international war correspondent. He opened with, “So, okay boys, I’m here in Iraq right now.” Unconventional, but it just might work.

I commended the Boston PD on their crafty apprehension tactic. Minutes before they dragged Jahar out of the boat, they lifted their city-wide “stay inside” request. Which is the adult equivalent of that old hide and seek trick — “Okay, I guess Billy’s not here. I don’t see him anywhere. So, uhh, I give up. I’ll just be leaving nowwww.” Classic. Works every time.

And it’s a good thing that grabbed him when they did! We transitioned into the news that Boston’s Comic Con had been postponed in the wake of the lockdown, leaving a bunch of pissed off, chapped-lip Beantown nerds with a ton of extra time and a reason to fight. We envisioned a sea of salty Storm Troopers taking the law into their own hands and hunting terrorists. As the imaginary Merlin O’Neal put it, “I don’t mean to be cold, but the real act of terror is blocking me from a Dean Cain autographed glossy.”

We decided that today, Friday, April 19, 2013, marked the largest single-day quantity of flushed drugs in Massachusetts history. Imagine the amount of tweakers who panicked at the first sight of armed tanks rolling down their residential street. “Oh God, they’re here. Who snitched? They have guns. Ugh.. just get rid of it, man. All of it.” If anyone has access to the Boston sewage system, happy hunting!

We learned from a few Men of Honor that, contrary to Eminem’s gritty portrayal, Detroit’s 8-Mile is actually pretty cooooo. And that’s overlooking the two-dozen strip clubs where fat black chicks clap their buttcheeks in your face and “service you” for any bill larger than a $5.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I feel really bad for girls who give blowjobs at bachelor parties.”

Somehow, that transitioned into President Obama’s special after-hours swagger on victory nights like tonight, as Abe walked us through Barack’s hypothetical bedroom banter with Michelle. This was preceded by an even-more-ridiculous reenactment of tonight’s “we got him” press conference, during which Abe envisioned the President performing the dorky rap from Salt ‘N Pepa’s 1993 smash-hit Shoop.. followed by an encore of Domino’s Sweet Potato Pie.

But that did give us one serious queRstion: Can President Obama be dared to sing in public.. and not sing? It seems to be a weakness of his.

We closed with a story about Saudi Arabia, where, this week, three men were kicked out of a concert (and then deported) for “being too handsome.” Apparently, the Saudi government strictly monitors attractiveness. Or they just have a bunch of repressed, self-hating gay cops.

Bass remarked that Saudi Arabia is the exact opposite of Studio 54 — only the ugliest, smelliest, dirtiest and most disgusting dudes allowed!

Though, I’d still love to see a photo of these allegedly handsome individuals. I’m pretty sure that “Saudi Arabia attractive” is a lot like “British hot.” Not very.

I leave you with a final, brilliant entry into the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “If you’re listening to us in Saudi Arabia and you’re under ten years old, get the f— outta there!”

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