ON HOLD EPISODE

Friday, April 26, 2013

We kicked this one off with a quick tease of tonight’s guests; specifically “America’s Gigolo” Vin Armani. After paying numerous compliments to the realism of Gigolos’ mindbendingly complex storylines, Abe was reminded that our guy Bass missed his calling. Partly because, well, he’s not very skilled in this field. But also because Bass has such a unique look, size and shape that Abe thinks would kill in porn.

Normally, we try not to start the show with something so abrasive. Or stomach turning. So where’d we go from there? To a place called Eunice, Louisiana. Small town. Home to NFL draft prospect, Tharold Simon. And no, that was not a typo. His name is Tharold. Abe assumed his grandfather was likely named Harold, but Tharold’s mama decided to “contemporize” it by adding a “T” where it doesn’t belong. It’s kinda like when, for a short time, Radio Shack decided to drop “Radio” from their name & just go by The Shack. Seemed cool for a minute. But it was just dumb.

Anyway, Tharold was solid cornerback for LSU and for the NFL’s call this week. Instead, he was arrested last night for basically mushroom stamping the entire Eunice police department, telling them he “owns this town now” and if they got a problem with that.. well, the Mayor’s on his side! His insanely nonsensical threats went on and on. But it turns out he wasn’t lying about one thing — the Mayor of Eunice was, in fact, on his side.

Now, remember that Tharold’s arrest for disorderly conduct and police intimidation happened late last night. That’s an important piece of the story. Today, Eunice Mayor Rusty Woody (I probably got his name wrong) declared that “Tharold Simon Appreciation Night,” which was scheduled for tonight, as in right now, is still scheduled as planned! And Tharold would still be receiving the key to the city! What kind of backwards hellhole in this place?

Like clockwork, a former Eunice resident called in to answer that very question. Apparently, as he described it, people in Eunice regularly celebrate events by dressing up as clowns and riding on horses, going door to door to collect chickens, which are all thrown into a giant cauldron in the town square and boiled for the communal pot of gumbo. Suddenly, it was far less weird that an idiot like Tharold would be honored.

Tim Grover joined us live in-studio. You may not know the name, but Tim is the most sought after trainer on the planet. Basically, he’s the great & powerful Oz to MJ, Kobe, Barkley, D-Wade and dozens of other basketball legends. The highlights:

  • It was pretty coooo to get a little of his insight. Ya know, all that positive, think-like-a-champion stuff. Uplifting morale boosters. Like when he started by calling Derek Rose a vag, who needs to start rehabbing his passion rather than his damn ACL.
  • Lebron is a chicken shit for wanting to play with the greats instead of against them.
  • Oh and he said MJ wasn’t an asshole. “He was THE asshole.” His words.
  • Tim talked a little about Michael’s gambling routines; just enough betting talk to give Abe blue balls. And shared this Interesting insight — Michael’s the only guy to lose BIG and still be way up! The only guy? Tim, you ain’t met Abe Kanan.
  • Abe then hired Tim, on the spot, to help him reach his goal of dunking a basketball by the end of the year. Which Tim said he could make happen in 4 months. I hate to be a wet blanket here, fellas, but after he sees Abe’s lack of dedication to the other part of his program (diet, training, etc.), I assure you, Peter Dinklage will be dunking before Abe Kanan.
  • But yeah, buy Tim’s book. It’s called Relentless. And it’ll help you win championships.

Following our time with Tim Grover, we welcomed Vin Armani, star of Gigolos on Showtime. Tonight marked Vin’s 5th appearance on the program! The highlights:

  • First, I just want to point out that everything was handled according to the law. We paid him for “his company.” And whatever happened after that time? Well, that’s between 5 consenting adults.
  • Vin told us he wants to do Gigolos until he dies. Weird. It’s kinda like Ric Flair wanting to die in the ring. Vin will be turning lonely chicks out at 65 years old, bleeding and dropping elbows on his underwear.
  • Abe was OUTRAGED, outraged I tell you, that the 4th season of Gigolos  would include a character named Blake. Because Abe suggested that name to Vin last season. And, clearly, the producers stole it! Because, obviously, Ash and Sebastian and Scooter annnnnnd.. actually, that’s right when I stopped paying attention. I just went blank. Probably from shock that my best friend and Vin Armani both turned into those gossiping chicks at the beginning of Baby’s Got Back.
  • Vin did tell us that the show’s producers have officially retired his finishing move. Sad news. Abe loved that. Vin isn’t too sure what he’s gonna do, but he’s considering using Hell’s Gate or the GTS. Not sure. Those might be too far in the other direction.
  • And finally, we came up with a new merchandising opportunity for the show: a Gigolos slot machine. After the jackpot, the machine automatically shuts down and is inoperable for the next 15 minutes. Sometimes, they even become grumpy and don’t want you anywhere near it.

After hanging up with Vin, we learned that cats have virtually microscoping genitalia. And normally when I say “we learned,” that’s code for “don’t believe this.” But it’s true. Abe’s friend had a cat for two years, thinking it was a female. Nope. After a routine vet visit, it was discovered that the kitty had a coin purse the whole damn time! Weird story. But the moral is — don’t google cat penises. I’ll just say that, if you’ve seen that horrendous X Pac / Chyna porn, and you could actually stomach a glimpse of Chyna’s crotch.. then you know what a cat penis looks like.

And finally, Abe rolled out yet another new moneymaking idea. Good natured in theory. Horribly evil in practice. Basically, he’s gonna recruit a stable of homely women to pose in profile pictures with average looking ladies, in an attempt to make said average chicks look like queens. So, if any big, hairy, sweaty, nasty looking warlocks named Gunde, who also don’t mind being photographed, happen to be listening and are in need of work.. Abe Kanan wants YOU!

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