Friday, August 31, 2012

We kicked off the program with the grating sounds of Abe Kanan’s morning alarm. After further consideration, the fact that he wakes up to an emergency airhorn is a large part of the reason he’s such an angry prick.

We did a tribute to all the dickholes in medium market morning radio, who, no matter what time you wake up.. they were up 2 hours before you. Without fail. Today’s fake duo was the Morning Renegades – Ratatouiile and the Tin Man, who played a thrilling game of Guess the Mystery Song and then debuted the knee-slapping parody “Cat Scratch Bieber.” What a hoot.

Scooped Stern nation — Randy Jackson is OUT as American Idol judge. They’re giving him a fake job and keeping him as a mentor. Also, it looks like Nicki Minaj is in.

Which brought us to this quertsion: with whom would you rather make the beast of two backs? Miss Minaj or Mariah Carey? Consensus: Mariah Carey would be a dead lay while making you tell her how much you love her pussy, while Nicki Minaj would fuck you up and not stop until you’re both covered in blood, snot and semen and pudding.

Al Ragone chimed in with an update on the family — although Jay Thomas was unable to make it in this morning, he is alive and well in New Orleans. He just didn’t have a kayak.

EARTH SHATTERING NEWS — following a 25 minute tease from Abe, Bass made an announcement regarding his future…

After 7 years of dating, Bass has taken himself OFF the market, ladies! That’s right — our boy is gettin’ hitched!

It was celebratory until he walked us thru the engagement….. picture this…. 3 minutes after an explosive diarrhea — from eating 2 tiramisu desserts at dinner — in a toilet with no plumbing — he stepped into their new unfinished bedroom, pulled out a zip lock bag, presented her with an old earring that he paid some Syrian guy to solder onto a band and said… “uhhhh, did you want to marry me and stuff?” Keep in mind, this is a week removed from his romantic getaway to beautiful Milwaukee. He followed up the big querstion with a few rules too — we’re not setting a date yet and you don’t get my last name. Congrats Cassanova!

After learning that Bass actually paid $75 to turn one of his great-grandma’s old earrings into Jill’s engagement ring.. an entry into the Abe Kanan quotebook: “Bass treated this engagement ring like I treated my 3rd grade science project. I glued 9 leaves to a poster board and said.. this is an experiment on leaves.”

We got into the Republican National Convention and re-visited Clint Eastwood’s senile performance art from last night. We checked the live feed and he’s actually still talking to that chair.

Oh, and we got to the bottom of that Paul Ryan incessant throat clearing.. turns out he was just choking on bullshit. So.. there’s that.

Abe re-enacted what he hears when the GOP gathers — Levert Washington from the Fresh Beginnings Magnate School for At-Risk Teens reading from Corinthians, “Little Puppet” Rodriguez talking about his journey up from mowing lawns for nickels.. to mowing lawns for dollars… and a whole bunch of shouting the word GOD!

We heard the “blue” portion of last night’s convention which featured Paul Stanley doing a very inappropriate speech about his “love gun” and then Matthew McConaughey’s re-creation of the famed Magic Mike strip scene. The fact that he tied up & blindfolded Mitt.. then swung his dick in his face.. it just seems like a gaffe.

But, and I didn’t pick up on this, Abe noticed that some people in the hall were turned on by it.. from the Abe Kanan quotebook: “John McCain’s arm even stood up when he saw that.”

We figured out that Joe Biden is the Ric Flair of politics. Think about it — fucked up, disheveled, horny, inappropriate. The official White House tour has even started taking people past Biden’s beer pong set up. And the bags gear on the White House lawn? Yep.. they’re Uncle Joe’s! Word is that he’s actually requested to resign as VP and become the Secretary of Partying!

Got into sports — the NFL’s replacement refs are THE. WORST. It could be a long season if these lingerie league second-stringers are still calling games.

Talked Fantasy Football and Sam’s blood pressure climbed to John Goodman levels. He’s taking his role as Commissioner a little too seriously. Thankfully, the draft is tonight. But a word to the wise. A sincere warning to all the men and women of honor: if you see Sam Kanan at all day, it’s best to just keep your head down and keep moving.

Brett Favre took a gig as a high school football offensive coordinator, which means that he’s already sent at least a dozen cheerleaders a picture of his meager little cock. Which prompted this entry into the Abe Kanan quotebook: “Brett Favre: you have a horrible dick.”

We hit the news story from India — about the guy who opened a new clothing store called Hitler. He said he had no idea who Hitler was & can’t change the name now because, in his defense… he already printed business cards.

2 good ones going into the Abe Kanan quotebook: “If it didn’t stand for murdering Jews, the swastika would be a handsome logo.”

And after we learned that Hitler never let anyone see him naked, Abe Kanan threw out another gem for his quotebook: “Brett Favre should be more like Hitler.”

Finally, with regards to the whole Kris Humpries herpes lawsuit — if he does, in fact, have the herp, that means he gave it to Kim. Which would hypothetically put the entire Western hemisphere at significant risk. So, until the STD lawsuit is resolved, it’s best to avoid sleeping with Kim Kardashian.

All Rights Reserved. © 2023 AbeKanan.com