Friday, December 28, 2012

We kicked off the show with… shoes. In a nutshell, Bass “accidentally” packed Abe’s dress shoes following our trip to New York for Howard’s holiday party. This also meant that Abe had Bass’ kicks — an honest mistake. Being the good friend that he is, with NO ulterior motives, Bass called Abe and kindly volunteered to throw Abe’s Kenneth Cole shoes in the trash, because they, “looked like they were growing roots.” To take his generosity up a notch, Bass even recommended that Abe just keep Bass’ shoes, because they’re (and I quote), “super fashionable. I mean, they’re Dr. Scholl’s for God’s sake!” Bass – here’s a general rule a thumb: anything named “doctor” is not fashionable.

As anyone would, Abe got tired of arguing with Bass… so he (bravely) gave him the driver’s seat. 12 minutes in, The Abe Kanan Show officially became The Bass Show. And in case you missed it, this veteran broadcaster really brought it home! Consider this a mini-Manno’s Memo within the actual Manno’s Memo. And I’ve actually transcribed his entire show:

“Alright, I’m Bass. The show is starring Abe, Ryan & Sam. So, how was your guys’es Christmas? I’m Jewish and I like Christmas music. My fiancée’s family asked if I eat bacon. By the way, we live in Chicago and all of you don’t understand Jews. I know everything about Jesus. Ryan asked if we celebrate Thanksgiving. All I know is that we didn’t kill Jesus. What did your guys’es girlfriends get you for Christmas?”

Tight, Bass. Tight.

Abe lamented a recent trip to Subway, during which the manager removed two pieces of mayo-coated ham from his sub and tossed them in the garbage. Apparently, it’s a big deal over there to put more than two pieces on the Club. So, Abe put the entire company on blast starting with the, as he called them, “big wigs… Jared, Michael Phelps & Apollo Anton Ohno.” Yes, Abe, and Brett Favre is the CEO of Wrangler.

His fast food foray continued; Abe reminded everyone that, when ordering at Panda Express, if you make eye contact with the small Asian woman and say “mmmm” when she’s scooping your Orange Chicken, she will invariably continue scooping, in an attempt to please you. It’s the fast food version of a happy ending.

Really, Abe, and I speak for our entire listening audience when I say ‘thank you’ for sharing these highly useful, empowering & life-improving tips. You’re like the Tony Robbins of horseshit.

We traveled to China where a 26 year old man had a real reason to boycott a restaurant. 30 minutes after eating their hottest soup, homeboy was rushed to the hospital with a hole in the wall of his stomach. He’s resting comfortable now, thanks to doctors who sewed him up quickly. I heard the whole procedure took like “ten… fifteen minute.”

Turns out, a significant percentage of gastrointestinal issues in China are related to eating these hot pot soups. It’s easy for us to wonder why these guys continue doing it. But when you consider that it’s a culture with 3% women, melting your guts is the only way to escape the pain of never getting laid.

I can’t confirm the exact percentage of Chinese females to males, but there is a pretty big gap between sexes. The explanation, as Abe pointed out — and please log this in the Quotebook – “when you have a daughter in China, the government drowns them like puppies.”

We harkened back to Abe’s days as the 16-year old “Outlaw Cart Wrangler” at Wal-Mart. He told us that he was so displeased with his boss for “making me pushing carts in the winter” (and this is despite the fact that he was listed on the phone tree as Abe Kanan / Cart Pusher) that he scrawled, in black marker, on the back of his neon cart-pusher vest “My name is Abe, slave to Wal-Mart.” The short-term impact was minimal, because his manager Shane, the convicted felon with the ponytail, made him black it out. But today, we’ve learned that Abe’s protest created better working conditions for the Wal-Mart youth. In Abe’s own words (really just in his own mind), “I am the Rosa Parks of Wal-Mart.”

Moments later, Abe told me that he’s concerned about the fact that I’m getting a little too straight & narrow. I used to be fun, he said. You’re right, Abe. If only I knew how to con extra orange chicken & 10-minute Wal-Mart cart breaks, my life would be all lined up. I’ll try to follow your lead.

We talked about the Kennedy Center Honors, where Led Zeppelin was honored with a touching “Stairway to Heaven” tribute. When Abe asked if any of us watched it, Bass responded with, and I quote, “I think I did, yeah. I saw the part where the guy in the suit was rapping along with that one black.” Turns out, he was trying to say that he saw President Obama nodding his head to Lenny Kravitz playing guitar.

Doing this memo, I’ve realized that some jokes write themselves. They’re really not even jokes; merely factual occurrences that I point out. Like this: Abe ripped on my musical tastes because I don’t “know any Van Halen songs.” But 30 minutes prior, he came back from a break saying “The Abe Kanan Show is the only place you’ll find Danzing deep cuts.” Cooooool.

Sure, I’m just busting his balls about his musical tastes. Abe redeems himself with his TV habits. For example, two new shows you “need to know about” are Sin City Rules on TLC, in which a woman calls herself God and rolls with an 8-midget posse. And the new Oxygen vehicle All My Baby’s Mamas, starring Atlanta rapper Shawty Lo. So, don’t forget to set your TiVo season passes!

We moved into talk of Django, the new Tarantino flick about the slave who kills his slave owner. It’s under a lot of scrutiny because the “n word” is used 110 times. Bass actually saw it and said that he “giggled throughout the entire film.” Dan Levy: the only man in America to react to Django as he did when he watched That’s My Boy.

Quick note to any lonely fellas out there: Sam is looking for someone to go see Les Miserables with him. You can set something up on Twitter at @sam_kanan.

To close the show, we went back to slavery for a moment. Abe, the historical stalwart, set us straight with a few indisputable facts:

  • Even today, every rich person owns 100 slaves.
  • The slaves that Thomas Jefferson would sleep with were “the hot ones” who lounged in the field wearing Prada sunglasses.

On a personal note and on Abe’s behalf, I would like to apologize to all of our slave listeners.

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