ON HOLD EPISODE

Friday, January 18, 2013

We kicked off the show with the fallout from last night’s Lance Armstrong “yes” fest. After 28 straight “yesses,” we heard the exact moment he stopped paying attention to Oprah’s questions:

Oprah: “Who’s your favorite band?”
Lance: “Yes.”
Oprah: “The 80’s British progressive rock band??”
Lance: “Yes.”

He put it on cruise control. At one point, I think he even said “Yes to the Dress.”

Despite his assault of affirmations, Sam Kanan still refuses believe. Or take off that stupid yellow bracelet! Not only is he still wearing it, he’s added an “ER” after the “G.”

The closest Sam came to conceding all-out defeat was, “at least Lance didn’t dope in 2010.” Wasn’t that the year he finished dead last? The same year he got lost? When people finally found him, he looked like Forest Gump after he made it to the Pacific Ocean & was ranting about a guy named Francis who stole his bike. That year, Sam?

According to Sam, the only thing Lance Armstrong is guilty of… is lookin’ fiiiine in that lycra bodysuit.

Oh, and during part two of the Oprah interview tonight, Lance corrected one thing from last night’s interview. After Oprah produced audio of Lance, in fact, calling that woman “fat,” he paused for 15 seconds and said, “but it was phat with a PH.”

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I was looking at Lance Armstrong’s crotch the whole time.”

On a serious note — now that he’s fessed up and everyone’s gotten rid of all their imaginary outrage over a sport they never watched, can we all agree to shift our outrage to a imaginary person?

We heard Manti Te’o’s mixtape to his fake dead girlfriend. Apparently it was still sitting in his dorm room, all packaged up and ready to be mailed. He had her phone number memorized (555.1414), but he was just waiting for her address.

It was your standard, cheesy mixtape; we could tell the guy was head over heels for her! I mean, he included Bryan Adams’ “Please Forgive Me” which was his way of apologizing for being distant during two-a-days. “Is that why you’re not answering? I’m sorry!”

Abe had a Freudian slip tonight; he kept referring to the mix tape as the “Manti Te’o sex tape.” Well, at first, I thought it was a Freudian slip and then Abe said, “Wouldn’t it be awesome to watch the Manti Teo sex tape?” A. No and B. Wouldn’t that be him masturbating?

We talked to Manti’s former Notre Dame roommate, who called in with a pretty big scoop! When Manti came back from Hawaii and told everyone he “got laid,” he was talking about the flowers around his neck. The fake, dead girl still stood him up. But he did, in fact, get lei’d.

Apparently, though, Manti has moved on to from a fake beard to a real beard. TMZ posted photos of Manti & his new lady on Santa’s lap. Better than the one he took with Lennay last year. It was just Manti and Santa.

One other college football note – Al Pacino has signed on to play Joe Paterno in the upcoming Penn State movie. It’s rumored that Seth Rogen is up for the role of Sandusky. It’s a buddy movie.

Hey guys, when I die, please don’t describe me as interesting in your statement. That’s how Conrad Bain’s daughter opened her family’s statement after her dad passed away. She said he was, “a lot like Mr. Drummond, only more interesting.” Interesting is how you describe someone who tortures animals or talks to a rock collection.

Abe actually pointed that it’s impossible for Conrad Bain to be more interesting than Mr. Drummond, “Molesters, Janet Jackson, rape… I dunno, that’s pretty interesting.”

We moved into old sitcoms and how truly dark some of them were. Then talked about some of the child actors who never seemed to work again post-sitcom. Abe’s theory is that ugly child actors never got a second role. See kids — it pays to be attractive.

Finally, we found out that Bass, who does voiceover work on the side, was installing a new home studio. Apparently, he was in such a rush to voice that new script for “Chet’s Chaptstick Hut” that he installed an ISDN phone line which cost $28 per minute. As Bass pointed out, he’s “not an idiot!” His defense? After he paid his first three bills, in cash, and realized how expensive it was, he canceled it.

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