ON HOLD EPISODE

Friday, June 14, 2013

We started tonight’s show a bit differently. The first 25 minutes were essentially our stab at one of those old-timey radio dramas. It’s an original piece entitled About Last Night. Part tragedy. Part comedy. But only comedic because it’s so tragic. Similar to the narrative style of Forrest Gump, our story began at the end, working backwards to explain how we arrived in this very unfortunate predicament. But unlike Forrest Gump, every word of OUR American classic is completely true.

Our main character and narrator, Abe Kanan, had just finished taking an “angry shit” in the bathroom of his local auto mechanic; angry because his car had been in the shop 8 hours longer than promised. When Abe arrived, he noticed that both his car and the mechanic’s feet were lifted up. Only Abe’s car wasn’t done and the mechanic was kicked back watching TV. This left Abe little choice but to berate and belittle the man; in person and on a national radio program.

(Quick note: remember “the angry shit,” as I have a sneaking suspicion it will come back to factor in during a future episode. I mean, you don’t threaten a guy who still has your car, then wreck his bathroom without expecting him to re-gift a few angry turds of his own.)

Anyway, back to the bathroom, which Abe described as greasier than Jeremy Roenick’s hair. Even the toilet paper looked like it had been pulled from the wreckage of the Exxon Valdez. And because you can’t properly wipe your ass with a roll of oil OR drive without a car, Abe was forced to walk 2 miles to the studio in a complete state of mental (and physical) disgust. He was enraged. Picture Vince McMahon’s “power walk.” Abe was doing that. Only his emphatic wide-legged strut had nothing to do with having power and everything to do with having poop between his buttcheeks.

Of course, Abe made sure to mention that he has since wiped up and has returned to a pristine state of anal cleanliness. Because, God forbid, he actually embrace an imperfection and come across as anything but James Bond – a reference which leads us back to the very beginning and answers the queRstion, “why was Abe’s car even in the shop?”

After last night’s show, Abe was chasing me through the winding exit of our parking garage (that’s another story for another show) with Sam sitting horrified in his passenger seat. Abe was honking and yelling while hanging halfway out of his Grand Pr—–

Sorry, hang on. Abe just handed me a note. It says, “I liked when you just compared me to James Bond. Say that my Grand Prix is an Aston Martin. Coooo?”

Okay, fine. So, as Abe was chasing me in his ultra cooooo “Aston Martin,” the car suddenly dropped its muffler and the laughter stopped. Abe jumped out to survey the damage, which, by the way, I saw in my rearview mirror before I screeched my tires and sped from the garage.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I wanted to go get duct tape. I’m not like… a car man.”

Now on the hunt for duct tape, Abe “Quick Fix” Kanan has a thick trail of sparks, smoke and denial following his Graaaaaa..ston Martin down Grand Avenue. Inside the car, the noise was so deafening that Abe had a hard time hearing Sam screaming, “You ruined my birthday, asshole!! I knew I should’ve gotten a ride from Ryan.”

Too late. I was already on the highway, home free! In fact, I purposely waited a full 7 minutes to call and ask Abe if everything was okay. I mustered some insincere line like, “I thought I heard a noise when I was leaving the garage.” See, normally, I would stop to help a pal in a pickle. Just not this pal. When I saw Abe crawling under his car, I was flooded with memories of Abe carrying on about why “people who take pictures of their kids are assholes” and raving that he’ll “teach women how to dress.” So, in that moment, I decided it couldn’t hurt if, just once, Abe Kanan was the one being judged. I actually delighted in thinking that he’d pull up to a red light next to “those douchebags, Ducky and Doyle,” who laughed as they left Abe in their dust.

All the while, and completely unaware of what just happened, Bass was waiting outside the restaurant — where he was supposed to meet Abe — sending group iMessages saying, “WTF? Where are you? I’m hungry!” At one point, he even did that thing where he spelled hungry with each letter in a separate text:

H
U
N
G
R
Y

I think we can all admit that it was not our finest 15 minutes. Though, in hindsight, if you want to understand exactly what makes each of us a unique brand of asshole, it’s all here.

Thankfully, this afternoon, Abe informed us that he found a nearby mechanic who was “a gift from God.” He was gloating about this “great deal” – not just for the muffler, but a handful of repairs that he’s needed for awhile (years). Based on Abe’s elation, this was the sunshine after the rain! Sunshine so bright that Abe celebrated by purchasing a Groupon to get his ride detailed this afternoon, “right after I pick it up from this AWESOME mechanic!”

The end.

We’d like to thank “Jeremy from Facebook” for joining us tonight. And I know what you’re thinking – “Oh, wow. They must’ve had a guest who co-created Facebook or, like, Mark Zuckerberg’s future successor. Because, otherwise, Jeremy’s title wouldn’t make sense.” No, you’re right. It doesn’t make sense. Jeremy is just a guy who uses Facebook and, for some reason, introduces himself as “Jeremy from Facebook.”

We talked about the new Superman movie, which opens today, and found out that Bass hates Superman. Always has. He explained that his contempt comes from the first time he saw Superman and subsequently assumed that he could also fly. So, a young Dan Levy climbed to the top of the monkey bars and leapt forward, certain that he’d catch a current. He woke up in the hospital.

But I’ll give Bass credit; he took that feeling of failure and turned it into a determination to be the best damn interviewer alive. Bass, pay no attention to these idiots mocking you for thinking you could fly! I think you’re the Superman of interviewing. Especially after tonight, when we heard your chat with Dave Franco, star of Now You See Me.

For anyone who doubts that Bass is a media trailblazer, I’ll ask you to tell me A SINGLE interviewer who uses his or her time as nothing more than a thinly veiled audition for voicework.

Bass Quotebook (11 seconds in to the Dave Franco interview): “Everyone tells me I have the perfect voice for a movie villain. But I dunno, I think I sound more like God.”

Following Bass’ tryout, we were joined, in-studio, by the cast of TruTV’s Impractical Jokers. Great dudes, though I’m not sure that we ever did get an answer to Abe’s very first queRstion – “how did you guys end up on TV?” But that’s because Abe, as he does, derailed the answer to his own inquisition for more important ones like:

  • “Can chicks have sex with you after your live shows?”
  • “Which one of you gets laid the most?”
  • “How much money do you guys make per episode?”

We learned that Sam is afraid that he’s already suffering from Alzheimer’s Disease. He’s a near-match for each of the listed symptoms, but most troubling is his recent inability to remember basic things. But looking around this room, I’m not so sure that’s a bad thing.

Finally, Abe had a firm warning for any women who are saving their virginity for marriage: DON’T. And it’s not because he’s looking for a new wave of willing partners. Not even close. He simply wants virgins to know two basic things:

1.) After the first time, you’ll “always get pregnant” because you haven’t “built a tolerance for taking loads.”

2.) It never works out as well as it did in American Pie. More specifically, it’s a waste of time because “you’re not gonna end up with a guy like Oz.”

And with that ignorant lecture, Abe reminded all of us why I chose to peel out of the parking garage last night.

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