ON HOLD EPISODE

Friday, June 7, 2013

We kicked this thing off with a few figurative pumps of Windex on the continually cloudy window of adult birthdays. Hopefully we made it clear enough — grown-ups don’t get a full month of self-planned parties and friends shouldn’t be expected to treat each one like it’s your Sweet 16. Hitting double digits was a big deal, deserving of presents and a pizza party. Now that you have varicose veins and take blood pressure medication, your excitement over aging just seems bipolar.

The entire discussion derived from a text Abe received today from “this whore I know,” inviting him out after tonight’s show to celebrate her “2nd birthday party.” Today is three weeks after her actual birthday, which she celebrated with a 4-day blowout in Vegas, surrounded by friends who were invited to attend at their own expense. She’s 32 years old. Hardly a milestone. Though, you’d never know it based on her Macy’s Gift Registry. You want a present? Here.. it’s the gift of not acting like a selfish snatch for the rest of your mediocre life, which, quite frankly, has very little reason to be commemorated with a 3-hour party, let alone this excessive 3-week extravaganza.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “11 is the age when kids really start looking disgusting.”

Abe shared another bizarre story from the gym. Ya know, Abe, I’ve never been to this fitness center of yours, but based on the endless amount of insanity you encounter, I think you might work out at the mental hospital from What About Bob? Just littered with lunatics.

This week, Abe overheard heard a shameless woman on the neighboring treadmill talking loudly about the anonymous stranger who deposited his DNA inside of her last night. Abe gathered that it was a one-night stand during which the future deadbeat dad took:
a.) Her from behind.
b.) The liberty of removing that pesky rubber halfway through.
c.) Off the moment she fell asleep.. without leaving his number.

Abe caught so many specifics about this skank’s sex and subsequent plans for a possible pregnancy, that it’d almost be an insult if he wasn’t there to cut the little bastard’s cord.

Listener Angie (special thanks to our producer Stiletto for typing the word “woman” next to Angie’s name) called to confirm that, in the company of female friends, women actually do talk as filthy as the whore Abe was eavesdropping. But Angie added her husband makes love to her for a minimum of 90 minutes every time. So, she might’ve also been lying about that first thing.

Abe Kanan continued to devalue the term “breaking news,” by cutting away for a caller with this important newsflash: Muhammad Ali’s trainer was named Angie. But unlike our previous caller, Ali’s Angie was a man. Remember folks — you heard it here first.

Same for the song we world premiered from a smokin’ hot, new boy band. A group so fresh, hip and attractive that the twinks in One Direction have already admitted defeat and called Drew Brees about that tryout he promised. It’s not out for another few months, but Suge Knight, Joe Jackson, Prince Jackson and Blanco “The New Flavor” Thomas gave us the debut of “Thriller ’13,” a remake of Michael’s classic. They sounded incredible together, though I couldn’t help but notice the song was really just one long ad for Joe Jackson’s record label. Which kinda defeats the purpose of promoting music from a label when all the music is a commercial for the label.

Jesse “The Body / Mind” Ventura made his return to the program, joining us live from a lead-lined Baja bunker to remind America that we’re doomed and turning into 1933 East Berlin. The highlights:

• Abe told the former Governor that he’d love a gay wedding on the White House lawn. Okay, decision time, buddy — who’s gonna be your best man?

• Jesse asked us, next time we see Howard, to let him know that he’s interested in talking about a possible Ventura/Stern ticket in 2016. Done. No problem. Absolutely. We would LOVE to make that conversation happen, sir. Safe to say that your phone will be ringing…. right after the holiday party in December.

• While talking about tax reform, Jesse explained his position this way: “Guys, I had a life-changing experience. I stuck my hand in a gray whale’s mouth.”

• He reminded us that he lives in Mexico 4 months out of the year during a self-imposed sabbatical of sorts. He doesn’t once turn on the television and never looks at a cell phone. He loves to golf, body board and the freedom that comes from being completely unreachable. But none of that compares to what he called “the biggest benefit” Mexico offers over the United States: “I can touch all the whales whenever I want.”

• I should be fair, Jesse didn’t only focus on whales. I’m probably making him sound a little childish or senile when, in reality, he’s a super smart dude with a lot of interesting ideas and invaluable wisdom. Take, for instance, the story he told us about his wife. Every morning, Mrs. The Body helps their neighbor, Mr. Gonzalez (“a wonderful man”) by riding his horses around the property because “horses need to be worked.”

• Unfortunately, we ran out of time before I could ask Jesse if he’s ever spent time with a gorilla. Assuming he said, “No, they’re not indingenous to the area,” I was going to make a reference to Gorilla Monsoon and everyone would’ve had a nice laugh.

After our visit with Ventura, we learned that any unfunny call to a radio program can be saved by a moaning female. Almost like putting Menthos in Coke, you don’t know why it works.. it just does. So next time you’re considering calling this (or any) show and treating the nation to your version of the hilarious voice you heard on a Jerky Boys tape — before you dial, be sure that you have a well-prepared woman within reach. When things go south (and they will), toss her the phone and cut her loose.

In tonight’s Did You Know?, we were reminded that Manno’s Memo was originally titled Levy’s List. Much like my post-show recaps, Bass would disappear during breaks to feverishly write every word himself. It’s been so long now that I can’t remember why we switched the duty over to me, but I found something that might jog our memories. I looked through the Abe Kanan Show physical archives and pulled an old Levy’s List. This one is dated February 8th, 2010 and let’s see here… it says…… well, it doesn’t say anything. It appears to be a crayon drawing of a fireman eating what looks to be a yellow toothbrush? Or maybe it’s a banana with white bristles? It’s kinda hard to tell through this constellation of grease stains. So, maybe we felt that Bass wasn’t properly recapping the show? Hard to say.

Dear Tim Sabean and Jim McClure, Sam Kanan is going to cover the upcoming E3 video game convention. He’ll just expense everything and you guys can approve it, okay? Thanks!
After all, Sam did win The Abe Kanan Show’s First (and Last) NES Theme Song Challenge! Indeed, the elder Kanan named the most correst Nintendo theme songs, while Bass came in 2nd & Abe is still recalculating.

We moved on to licking tacos; specifically Cool Ranch Doritos Tacos. You may have seen the moron employee of Taco Bell who, this week, went viral in a disgusting photo which showed him running his tongue along a stack of shells. The photo was leaked following a company-wide contest encouraging employees to share their first Cool Ranch Doritos Tacos experience on a secure intranet site. Listener Jamie, a former Taco Bell worker, told us that he once dipped his balls in a vat of their sour cream. It sounds disgusting, but don’t worry — it was part of a company-wide contest called “Sour Cream Scrotum.”

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “You guys know my ultimate dream, right? To make my own Whopper.” Dream big, Abe! Play your cards wrong and I bet you can make that happen.

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