ON HOLD EPISODE

Friday, March 08, 2013

We kicked this thing off with a super unexpected addition to the Abe Kanan Show “Big Board.” I honestly don’t think anyone saw this coming! Danielle Fischel, Topanga from “Boy Meets World,” is on the cover of the new Maxim. And what a triumphant comeback! Three years ago, she looked like Tom Sizemore in a wig. Now? Girl Meets Wood. Congratulations, Topanga!

We got right into another big comeback — lions! Big week for lions. Bad week for people, as it appears the jungle kings are taking back that crown!

Quick PSAbe: While we encourage sexual adventure, try to avoid having intercourse in or near a known lion hangout.

The warning comes on the heels of this week’s story about the African chick & her boyfriend, who were bumpin’ uglies in an area called the “Zimbabwe Bush.” A lion tried to make it a threesome and, apparently, he forgot the safe word. Because he killed her.

At least her brave boyfriend immediately got the hell out of there, leaving her behind to be eaten. Whoever says Chivalry is dead is right.. that was actually the African chick’s name.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Do the lions actually bang chicks out there?”

And as ridiculous as that queRstion was, we heard from a Man of Honor who claims that people in Pennsylvania have bears who take their garbage out. They enter homes and leave with the garbage. They still haven’t figured out how to put a new bag in… but that’s still a pretty cool service.

Last lion note — our condolences to the family of Dianna Hanson, the animal sanctuary intern out in Fresno, who was also eaten by a lion this week. Sad, sad story. And it always sucks when they eat the intern. I mean, now there’s a mess & no one to make clean it up.

Our pal Adam Carolla joined us live and started by pouring out some of his delicious Mangria for the late Paul Bearer. Highlights:

  • Adam Carolla Quotebook: “I think we can all agree that wakes are missing showmanship & pageantry.”
  • And another: “I’m from LA. We don’t have rednecks. We have Mexicans.”
  • Adam told us that he hasn’t yet made specific plans for his body after he dies, beyond letting Jimmy Kimmel do something with it.
  • Of course, Abe told Adam how he should be spending his money. I’ll give Abe credit though — instead of asking for it outright, he told him that he “needs” to throw a lavish party after he’s dead. He NEEEEEDS to.
  • Abe Kanan-to-Adam Carolla Quotebook: “Poor people think that the only way they can make money is to ask Mark Cuban.”
  • Adam talked about the lost art of bribery. I think we’re a little young to remember the days when a discreetly passed $20 could get you out of a pickle. But let’s try to bring that back! Vinyl’s back in. 8 bit is cool again. Who wouldn’t want to relive the golden age of bribery?
  • And a final thinker from the Adam Carolla Quotebook: “Chances are that more lovemaking happens on a toilet than a loveseat.”

We talked briefly about Kim Kardashian’s desire to be a man for a day so she can discover how it feels to have sex with herself from behind. That’s vanity on inconceivable level. Abe thinks it also explains why Kim’s been so willing to “assume the position” for every black guy with a mixtape. Well, that, and she probably learned a lot from Bruce Jenner.

Nice transition into the long-awaited return of DANNY GAGA! Yeah, that’s right –our flamboyant & electric (31-year old male) entertainment reporter has come back! I guess we caught him on the one Friday night he didn’t have to help his parents shake out all the rugs. Guy’s been harder to book that Kim Jong Un.

Gaga hit the ongoing Justin Bieber meltdown. It’s been a really bad week for the Biebs, but today might’ve been the worst of it. Justin told a London photographer that he would “beat the f!#% out of him.” There is no additional punchline. That is the joke.

In all honesty, JB does need to step back and peacefully regroup for a few months. We’ve all seen how these celebrity stories start and end. At this rate, I’m calling two years til Bieber’s doing lesbian porn.

Gaga also said something about Chris Brown, but I think his Lunesta kicked in right around that point and I didn’t quite catch it.

Our mentor Sludge joined us.. two segments too late! He was calling for Adam Carolla, and as Abe pointed out, “Sludge, is there anything more disappointing than tuning in for Adam Carolla & getting Danny Gaga?”

As it turns out, there is — not being paid his prize money in Sam’s fantasy football league. In Sam’s defense, he’s still owed a whole bunch of money from the other guys in the league. Which doesn’t surprise me considering it’s all of Abe’s winner friends; 75% of them have parole officers.

I don’t wanna get into the nitpicky stuff about who owes who what, because, as Sam pointed out, he created this league for all of “you slimef!#%s to come and have f!%#ing fun. Alright? IT’S FUN!” Boy, it sure sounds like it. Count me in for next year, Sam.

And finally, we talked about the Bible after Abe watched the premiere of the new History Channel miniseries. He puts the acting just shy of the reenactments on “Unsolved Mysteries.” And the believability even lower than that. For instance, they opened with the story of Noah’s Arc, which no one, in their right mind could believe is a factually accurate historic event. And by “no one,” I mean no one aside from Mrs. Kanan. Yep, Abe & Sam’s mother called in to urge her sons to “believe in Noah’s Arc” because she doesn’t want them ending up in hell. From there, the Kanan family traded blows on beliefs for the last 15 minutes. At that point, I only believed that I wanted all of you to shut the hell up.

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