We dropped the needle on this one by dropping a bombshell! But first.. a little setup:
After last night’s show, the four of us pulled an all-nighter. Like the posse of potential Popes shutting in at the Vatican, we had a life-altering decision to make. A choice so significant that we locked ourselves inside this studio, agreeing that no one was leaving until we died or reached a consensus. Was it time to replace to Big Ern, our longtime Squad Leader of Doin’ it Big?
Make no mistake — he’s our Chet Stedman. Our “rocket.” A go-to guy and a real valuable veteran. Only, Big Ern’s performance had really started slipping in recent weeks. And I’m talking noticeable apathy. He’d muster a mumble, sighing through a half-assed attempt at “doin’ it big.” Followed by something like, “Anyway, the real reason I’m calling is to discuss the volatile situation in Syria. How do you gentlemen feel we can best enact diplomacy? I’ll hang up and listen to your reply.”
Shunning his only responsibility as Squad Leader and, clearly, going into business for himself — he really painted us into a corner. Which is why, together, we decided, and announced tonight that our search for a new Big Ern was ON!
But not before Abe took a brief moment to call his mother, offering some early Mother’s Day wishes. I’m always amazed that such a loving saint gave birth to the two bitter a-holes sitting across from me. Ever the optimist, their mom told us she’s looking forward to Sunday because, “Every Mother’s Day is a surprise.” As in, “Boy, I’m surprised Abe’s still sleeping. It’s almost 5 PM.” Or maybe more like a shart? That’s always a big surprise.
As is being put on the spot, on national radio, and receiving an ultimatum from the same son who called to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day. We should’ve assumed that Abe’s warmth was only temporary. This prick wouldn’t let his sweet mother hang up the phone until she answered him — “If you were standing at the edge of a cliff, holding me in one arm and Sam in the other, who would you drop? And you have to pick one of us!” Abe got so frustrated by her dismissals that, finally, he stopped mincing words and asked, “Isn’t it true that you love me way more than you love Sam?” Boy, Sunday should be a real treat.
We decided to get back to work and hit the hunt for a new Big Ern! It was the first-ever Abe Kanan Show open audition and response was overwhelming. After a half hour of consecutive callers yelling “DOIN’ IT BIG!” into their phones, a few prospects caught our eye. But then.. in the bottom of the 9th.. Enrique from Los Angeles stepped up to the plate. And he blew our freaking minds. He was perfect. Truly everything we wanted the original Big Ern to be!
Like a proud father giving away his daughter her fairy tale wedding, Abe had the honor of introducing him — “again.. for the first time” — the NEW Big Ern!
The excitement came to a screeching halt when the original Big Ern called to say that he was listening. He heard it. All of it. Every last painful moment. Right down to us renaming him “Regular Ernie from Texas.” He was crushed. As anyone would be. But, hey, maybe Abe Kanan learned a life lesson tonight? Maybe he realized that picking favorites — or dropping a loved one off a cliff — can sometimes be painful.
We moved on to the latest chapter in the Dennis Rodman / Kim Jong Un love story and found out that, earlier today, Dennis fired off an “f you, Obama!” Initially, we assumed that was some sort of playful wink to his “Li’l Worm” over in Pyongyang. But that theory was quickly tossed, as we learned KJU doesn’t even know Barack Obama by name!? According to Abe, Kim Jong Un refers to him as “brack president.”
April Rose, #89 on this year’s Maxim Hot 100, joined us live to talk about… being hot? I’m not really sure, but here are the highlights:
Started with yet another warm, warm Abe Kanan welcome. From the AK Quotebook, “April, lemme run down a list of chicks I’d rather bang than you.” Which he then proceeded to do.
Rude, yes. Including Greta van Susteren on your list? Ruder. Saying, “Yeah right, April! NO ONE wants to be your friend.” That, my friend, is the rudest. Honestly, Abe, if that’s how you talk to women.. it’s no wonder you’re always asking Vin Armani to tell you what sex feels like.
We learned that April has a boyfriend, who (I think?) is named Army. A fact that didn’t deter Sam one bit. No sir. The white knight rode in on his mighty steed and pierced her veil with this verbal love thrust — “April, is it scary being so hot in this city?” Smooth, Sam. Smooth stuff.
After we hung up with April, Bass picked up the Cassanova handbook and told Oprah that he’d “consider sleeping with her for a billion dollars.” I’m surprised she’s not here yet, Bass.
Unless, maybe she’s just playing hard to get? I bet Miss Winfrey’s waiting for you to wine and dine her a little bit. After all, she heard you mention taking your fiancee out for a “really nice meal” at that $8 Chinese buffet! Not to mention that display of pure power you pulled at the restaurant. I mean, complaining to management about every possible item on your plate? Women love seeing a man take charge. You think Stedman acts that way when they go to dinner? No. He runs to the back and helps the chef whip up some “Cream of Sum Yung Guy.”
So yeah, Oprah loves the fact that you physically assaulted the old Asian man who weighs less than dust, because he dared upset the king, Dan Levy, by not having a tub of day-old, exposed fish warmed to your liking. And even if Oprah wasn’t listening, Bass.. at least Miyagi learned his lesson! You should really feel proud about shoving his frail hand into your plate, forcing him to feel your mountain of cold noodles while demanding a refund. Take a bow, friend.
And finally, we talked Tiger Woods, who took his lady, Lindsey Vonn to this week’s world famous Met Ball in NYC. It was their first public date since announcing their relationship! Which Tiger proceeded to ruin by getting blackout drunk and falling backwards down an entire flight of stairs, laying on the ground until Lindsey sprinted over to scoop him up like a pile of wet laundry. Nice!
But, in Abe’s mind, the evening wasn’t entirely a wash. He envisioned the ride home — Tiger was snoring before they even left the lot, so Lindsey dialed up her “fave five” (Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, Richard Dent, Derek Jeter and Warren Sapp) in hopes of a little post-party gangbang.
Abe-as-MJ closed the fake phone call, and the show, with my new favorite pickup line: “Girl, you better take two birth control pills tonight.”