ON HOLD EPISODE

Friday, May 31, 2013

We kicked it off with a big bon voyage to our buddy Bass, who was, unfortunately, terminated before this evening’s program. Yep, Dan Levy. Fired. A real shocker. It’s almost unbelievable. But apparently, the company has “decided to go in another direction.”

I should be clear — that quote I just read about the company? That was actually a fake quote from Sam Kanan, pretending to relay a real quote, to Bass, from some made-up SiriusXM executive, who, for some reason, chose to fire Bass indirectly via Sam.

In other words, Bass isn’t really fired; that’s just what we do to each other in the 60 minutes leading up to almost every show. You thought we were a lot of fun ON the air?? You should hang out with us! We fake fire each other. Every week.

But, hey, at least Bass was dressed for the occasion! He showed up tonight wearing his least stained “traffic court” polo. Of course, no Bass outfit would be complete without a dingy, stretched-neck undershirt peeking through. Really, a sharp look! I mention his attire only because Abe realized that Bass was dressed up for his big Dave Franco interview today! Which, by the way, we never ended up hearing. Bass, you’re fired.

From there, we delved into drug tests and touched (figuratively) on the Whizzinator — a prosthetic penis that stoners use to pass piss tests. Listener Mark called to explain, step by detailed step, how it works; pretty sure he’s still on the line. For brevity’s sake, it looks and feels like a genuine johnson, only you fill it with clean urine and squeeze it into the cup. So, even if someone is watching you, they’d be none the wiser. Unless, as we pointed out, your real penis flops out mid-test, and hangs there alongside the Whizzinator, which I believe is known as the Double-Dong Disqualification. You wouldn’t the job, but at least the technician would be impressed!

But why go through all the trouble of buying clean or synthetic urine when Abe Kanan is willing to give you some of his? Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Let me supply all of you with my piss!” A very generous offer from a guy who’s never touched a single drug. Granted, your bad cholesterol levels would be so alarmingly high that you’d be admitted for an immediate 72-hour observation, followed by weekly follow-ups. But whatever.. you want the job, right?

We discovered a female version of the Whizzinator — an odd-looking contraption described by Abe as “like a turkey baster. You know, that thing that you use on the turkey to… what’s it called? When you squirt the… orange juice or whatever on a turkey. Bass, what do you to a turkey?” I believe the word you were looking for, Abe, was “baste.” Ya know, the word you used to start the description!?

We were joined by our old pal Steve Trevino, a really hilarious and underrated comedian, who called to talk about his recent 40-pound weight loss. Pretty dramatic transition for a guy who embraced his weight so much that he once made fun of me for wearing size medium shirts. So, Abe booked Steve on tonight’s show specifically to call him out on now wearing medium-sized clothing. Abe believed Steve owed an apology to yours truly. Which I appreciate… I guess. I mean, I don’t remember Steve ever talking about my shirt size. Because I didn’t care then and I don’t care now. Still, though, it’s good to have a friend like Abe, who NEVER LETS ANYTHING GO and will get vindication for his friends, at any cost, for even the most insignificant nonsense 11 years later. So thanks Abe. I owe ya one!

Steve Trevino Quotebook: “Shawshank Redemption… you know that movie wasn’t real. One black prisoner? C’monnnn.”

Our sensai Sludge joined the conversation to share a story about a legendary night with Abe and Steve in Richmond. The story was awesome and all, but that’s not what got my attention. Abe — after Sludge said that you guys went to a bar called The Pour House, you described it as “the shittiest bar in Richmond,” right? Funny.. when I went out to visit you guys, that’s where you took me. All 3 nights. Pretty sure that when I stepped off the plane and asked what we had planned, you nodded your head, smirked and said, “only the coooooo-lest bar in town!”

For real though, check out Steve Trevino’s comedy! Go see him live! He’s a total pro. Hell, he announced tonight that, if you don’t love his show, he’ll refund your money on the spot. C’mon! Who does that??

(Note: for those of you half-listening, that was Steve’s deal. Not ours. We couldn’t possibly afford such a policy. Those would be the only refund demands that all include a note about how much funnier your cousin’s podcast is than our “shitty show.”)

From tonight’s Abe Kanan Show Health Beat: “Most people don’t understand — if you want to lose weight, all you need to do is eat less.” Say whaaaaat?

Abe transitioned into some misinformed, random rant against foreign men who “make their women wear all that uncomfortable traditional garb,” while “all the guys walk around in Adidas pants a stupid tank top.” He thinks it is a flagrant act of repression and demanded that it stop immediately. Ya know.. I, for one, am glad that we have a guy like Abe Kanan to take on such important issues! Abe, seriously, please stop talking about other cultures. You’re less international than IHOP.

But that didn’t stop him from announcing the re-launch of The Kanan Collection, another topic he knows nothing about — fashion design. For any newcomers, this is Abe’s nonexistent clothing line, which has been on the shelf for awhile. I kinda figured the idea was dead, but I guess he was just tweaking it. Abe assured us, “It’s still as nice as all the Kardashian stuff,” only now he’s marketing it at repressed immigrant women whose husbands wear Adidas pants.

Seeking some backup for his point and validation for his rage, he turned to one of the world’s leading authorities on global culture — retired porn star, Jenna Jameson. Who, like most of us, let out a faint chuckle and said, “That’s kinda funny, but I dunno.. I don’t really think about stuff like that.” No one does, Jenna. No one does.

From there, things got pretty damn serious. Jenna gave us the first and only interview since her recent explosion with Tito Ortiz. And it. Was. Heavy. This week, she and her ex have been publicly trading some really ugly shots, all because a judge won’t let Jenna have custody of her kids. Naturally, our first question was, “why?” Apparently, Tito was given full custody because Jenna didn’t check her email and missed one about needing to show up in court. There is some gray area, however. I guess the judge accidentally sent it to the “bookings & appearances” address in his Club Jenna welcome email.

All joking aside, Jenna dropped a few more bombs, exclusive to The Abe Kana Show. Here are the major things that she, Jenna Jameson, alleges are true about Tito Ortiz:

1.) He’s taken various banned substances for at least two years. She named HGH specifically.
2.) He would often ask Jenna to inject him.
3.) He managed to pass the UFC’s mandatory pre-fight drug tests by using the Whizzinator and synthetic urine that he ordered online. She named the Bator fight specifically.
4.) During their marriage, he was having an affair with a hooker.
5.) He beat physically abused her, on and off, for eight years. In one case, he beat her and blamed it on “flashbacks.”
6.) He abuses GHB, the date rape drug, recreationally. In essence, he roofies himself every night.

Again, those claims were made solely by Jenna Jameson against Tito Ortiz.

Of course, the UFC nut in Abe couldn’t resist running down down a list of other fighters, asking Jenna what she knew about their drug use. Then tried booking a fight between Jenna and Ronda Rousey. All while Jenna laid, sobbing, on her bathroom floor, crying about the loss of her children.

Jenna Jameson Quotebook: “I pushed those kids out.” Really? I kinda assumed they were able to walk out.  We learned that Abe judges the voracity of any bathroom attendant based solely on their cologne selection. Bottom line: if he has Aqua di Gio, he’s straight. Anyone else is a buster.

We closed with the Douchebag Power Rankings and, for the first time in our show’s history, all of the entrants came from the same story! Unprecedented.

HEAT SEEKER: Li’l Twist

5.) Justin Bieber
4.) Justin Bieber’s security guards
3.) Usher
2.) Keyshawn Johnson
1.) Eric Dickerson

And, finally, congratulations to Isaac in California on being named Squad Leader of Glass Dicks! Isaac, we entrust you to wear this esteemed title well.

All Rights Reserved. © 2018 AbeKanan.com