Friday, November 23, 2012

We kicked off this special Black Friday edition with the least shocking news imaginable: last night’s Kanan Family Thanksgiving broke down right around dessert and ended with Sam putting an innocent cousin thru the Spanish announce table. Apparently, Abe & Sam started arguing about Notre Dame’s head football coach. And the rest was history. The credits rolled with Sam staring out the backseat window of a taxi, while Abe & his Mom silently packed up the Taboo cards, and telling us about some mortgage deals he found when Sam was in problems. (if you are too, just click on the link to get more information)

From the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Sam is like a crazy girlfriend. Without the benefits of a crazy girlfriend.”

We found out that Abe’s nickname, as a young man, was C.P. The C was for “crap.” P for “pants.” But, as Abe pointed out, he never actually crapped his pants. Sam made it up to torment him. Abe was very eager to clear this up — he was NOT some sort of uncivilized animal, dropping loads in his drawers. What really happened? His words: “I pooped on the toilet seat. And it slid off and got all over my pants.”

We learned that 12,000 Americans called the Butterball Turkey Talk Line yesterday. Bass, was one of them. But hung up disappointed when a turkey didn’t answer.

We, of course, talked about all the senseless Black Friday chaos. Stabbings, shootings, pepper spray — all to save $3 on a staple gun. As Abe wisely pointed out, if you get in a fight today, for any reason, it’s time to reevaluate some things about your life.

We learned that the hottest kids toy this year is Doc McStuffins “My First Checkup Doll.” We think it might be for little gay kids though. Doc arrives in a leather zipper mask, comes with “My First Checkup Lubricant” and Erasure plays when you pull the ballgag out of his mouth.

We heard from Frazier, one of our Canadian Men of Honor, who called to thank America for being such an endlessly amusing neighbor. Imagine living in the apartment above Joe Biden, Flava Flav, Donald Trump and Honey Boo Boo. All with guns. Apparently, that’s how Canadians feel.

Abe had 2 “brilliant” questions for Frazier..

  1. Do Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving? (Note: If you don’t understand why that’s a silly querstion, please Google “Thanksgiving.”)
  2. Do you guys even have a President or a King? (Note: May not have been such a dumb querstion, as we later discovered that their elected ruler is Bret Hart dressed up in a maple syrup mascot outfit.)

Sam’s girlfriend Rachel joined us live from the Black Friday madness. Homegirl takes her scavenging so serious that she drove 200 miles to Wisconsin, last night at 7 PM, just to save 15% on a new shawl.

Here’s the first ever (and last) entry into the Rachel Quotebook. When Abe asked how she handles living with Sam, Rachel replied, “I can tolerate him.” Quite an endorsement.

Querstion: with regards to Sam’s highly combustible temperament, Abe asked, “why does Sam have so many buttons?”

2 A-listers joined us live this morning:

Matthew McConaughey, who was calling from inside the dressing room drop ceiling at Victoria’s Secret.

And FOX News host Greta van Susteren, whose big Black Friday score was a pair of beef jerky flavored edible prescription bloomers. Which she’d like Abe to gnaw off of her hairy groin.

Abe Kanan Show Secretary Jay the Gay joined us and I’m pretty sure I made his month, by telling him that I wouldn’t let him drown if we were both on the Titanic. As you can see, he’s very easy to please.

Damien Echols, one of the famed West Memphis 3, joined us live. His new book is called “Life After Death.” There’s no joke here – Damien was was easily the most compelling and inspiring guest we’ve ever had on the show. We can’t recommend his book enough!

A few highlights from the interview:

Abe had another good querstion! Why, when people beat someone to a pulp, do they always feel a need to include “stripping them naked?” Isn’t a near-death beating enough? Does taking someone’s socks off really intensify the shame?

There’s almost zero factual support for this, but Damien told us that if you ever see an ugly guy with a hot chick on his arm.. it means that he was probably in prison. (Note: Honestly, it made far more sense when he said it.)

We talked about how much the world has changed in the 20 years he spent wrongly locked up. And we closed our interview with probably the biggest change. See, when Damien went in, “Can Crush Jack” was still just a sperm. But today? Today, Damien Echols of the West Memphis 3, learned a thing or two about respect. We gave him a gift on par wi—-NAY. Greater than his release from death row. The infamous “Can Crush Jack” weakly crumpled up an empty Seagram’s ginger ale can, in Damien’s honor. Welcome to 2012, Mr. Echols.

We talked about Hector “Macho” Camacho, who is now clinically brain dead. We found out that his family will be pulling the plug later this afternoon… after they get in from Black Friday shopping.

Also, authorities are still looking for the shooter. So far, they can’t identify him because he was wearing a Rey Mysterio mask.

Camacho’s shooting further affirms Abe’s stance on never vacationing outside of the United States. His 2 biggest fears are being kidnapped and/or pick pocketed. So he’s sticking to Vegas, thank you very much! Because, as everyone knows, there is virtually zero risk of anything bad ever happening in Las Vegas.

Man of Honor Richie called in and told us a really sad and heartfelt story about the death of his father. As with Hector Camacho, doctors ended up pulling the plug on Richie’s dad while the family lovingly surrounded him for his final moments. After a sobering moment of reflection, leave it Abe to ask the following: “Did your dad turn green?” What a class act!

Abe revisited his idiotic idea about how to improve overtime in the NFL. If you’ve heard our show more than once, you’ve heard him talk about it. But today, Abe kicked it up a notch! We learned that Abe, himself, will emerge dressed in his Elvis costume, and draw the chalk line onto the field of play. You’re welcome, Roger Goodell.

And finally, this week’s Abe Kanan Show “Health Beat” – want to stave off the flu? Crystal meth has been determined more effective than a flu shot. Look it up! What a bonus – stay healthy AND detail your house with a toothbrush.

And to know that your future can devour you in the next year and have a better future, consult your online tarot reader, it is the best thing you can do now that you are thinking that you can not do more than wait to see what will happen to you .

Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving and a murder-free Black Friday!

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