Friday, October 05, 2012

We kicked off the show talking about Abe’s continued move in to the new crib. Today was cable & internet hook-up day, which prompted this queRstion: is it common practice to tip the cable guy? Ever the over-tipper, Abe not only kicked ol’ boy a $20 bill, he went out and bought him 4 Coronas! Which the guy drank on the job. So, Abe now has 785 channels. Either because the guy was appreciative & hooked it up.. or because he was shitfaced.

We talked about another atomic blowup between the brothers Kanan! This time, Sam was livid with Abe because Abe used the Straight To Voicemail app to thank Rachel’s (Sam’s girlfriend) Mom for the new set of $500 housewarming towels from Nordstrom. Yes, this is the same Abe Kanan who who constantly berates young whipper-snappers for not knowing how to give a proper handshake. The same Abe Kanan who bemoans the fact that technology has stolen the collective soul of the youth.

From the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Rachel — I know your Mom doesn’t listen to our show.. so don’t tell her.”

Another queRstion: If you gift someone a used appliance, should it be covered in gravy? I’m guessing that one was directed at Bass, who gave Abe a microwave for his new place that came equipped with Thanksgiving dinner. Unfortunately, it was 2010’s Thanksgiving dinner.

We talked about how Abe’s new place (and his place before this, and his place before that) looks like an off-campus college house. Ya know, like the one the soccer team lived in. Where a few rich kids brought in nice Italian leather couches from their parents’ summer home on Lake Winnipesaukee.. but those are sitting next to the fold-up vinyl Soprano’s HBO chairs, signed by Big Pussy.

Reagan in Gainsville called to set us straight on tipping the cable guy. The ruling: if you live in the city, tip them. If you live in a rural area, don’t. There was no explanation, but that’s the official verdict.

Also, huge congrats to Reagan on being named Squad Leader of Gainsville. Reagan — with great power comes great responsibility, my man. Use it wisely.

Jamie Kennedy joined us live and backed up Abe’s love of the Straight To Voicemail app. In fact, Jaime tried to get out of the interview by connecting straight to Abe’s voicemail..

Here’s one from the Jamie Kennedy Quotebook: “I’ve found that when a guy asks if you want to ‘party,’ something gay is going to happen.”

We discussed Chelsea Handler with Jamie and stumbled on this queRstion: is there anything worse than watching your ex-girlfriend get plowed by 50 Cent?

Abe had a mini-counseling session with Jamie Kennedy. Jamie, as you know, is a master of voices. Well.. Abe does voices too. Only he can’t stop. So, Abe asked Jamie if it’s normal that he HAS to pretend to be a 45-year-old Guatemalan single mother anytime he calls to ask the bank how late they’re open.

We learned that the word TIP is actually an acronym for “to insure proper service.” Even more interesting? The word SHIT is an acronym for “Store High in Transit.” The more you know!

We moved into sports and talked about Miguel Cabrera winning the Triple Crown. Sam, in particular, was a little confused about why no one seems to care about this. But, as I pointed out.. that’s not entirely true. Burger King honored Miguel by sending him a handwritten note, along with 3 paper crowns and $100 gift card. And that’s not a joke.

Sports came to a screeching halt when Abe was looking at a photo on Sam’s iPad, which is enabled with iMessage, and a text message from Bass appeared on the screen. Only problem — the message was Bass talking crap about Abe! As Abe would (and did) say, “He got caught up all dummy.”

We learned that Bass failed 2nd grade because he got an F in “listening.” Also not a joke.

Back into sports, the judge in the Jerry Sandusky trial gave Jerry’s bond money back to Dottie Sandusky — his wife / accomplice. We were a little unsure of how bond money worked, so the Abe Kanan Show (plus CNN & Fox News) Legal Analyst, Kelly Saindon joined us live from a bar to the record straight. Though, it was kind of hard to hear her over all the sexual tension she has building up for Abe. Thirsty! Kelly Saindon: putting the ANAL in analyst.

Here’s a new Abe Kanan Show rule: we already know that when women gets breast implants, they’ll cheat on their husband / boyfriend in 3 years or less. Well, it’s the same thing for guys who get barbed wire tattoos. Now, this is according to research Abe did when he worked at Wal-Mart. A mild-mannered, reserved 40-year old CSM showed up one day with slicked back hair & barbed wire tattoo. 3 months later, he divorced his wife and turned into Charlie Sheen.

We talked about Boxing phenom Orlando Cruz who came out of the closet this week… as a proud Puerto Rican gay man. So, now this means that he’ll be driving around with the Puerto Rican flag AND the Rainbow flag hanging out his car windows.

Here’s a gem from the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I don’t think gay guys will just suck anything put in their face.” Sounds like experience talking??

Naturally, that comment was a cue to call for Jay the Gay, the Abe Kanan Show’s official secretary. I stepped out of the room to write this very memo, thinking that we were at commercial break. But I walked back in to hear Abe urging Jay to talk about what he wanted to do with my power bottom. I didn’t catch all the details, but it was something about me being a pig behind a dumpster. Brittan — please cut that out of the replay.

The always electric, Danny Gaga joined us to host the Party Patrol! We talked about the recently leaked Hulk Hogan — or as Danny Gaga says “Hawk” Hogan — sex tape. After seeing it, this is now the 2nd worst thing Hogan has shot. Right in front of Mr. Nanny.

During their sex, all Hogan does is talk about how much he just ate beforehand (he sounded like Bass) and how he’s going to puke. That prompted this entry into the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Hulk Hogan is the WORST at sex.”

Gaga also scooped us on some Kim K & Kanye gossip! Apparently, Kanye didn’t invite Kim to a shoe event during Paris Fashion Week. And this marks the 27th week in a row that Abe has said, “I’ve lost all respect for Kanye West.” We’re not sure how Kanye keeps giving Abe reasons to earn back more respect, but this was the last of it.

Bass chimed in and (surprise!) screwed up the old Snoop Dogg umbrella joke. It ONLY works if you add the “my nizzle” after the “drizzle.” Moron.

From the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Universities don’t care about education.” That preceded another misguided attempt on Abe’s behalf to say that college is really all about making that paper for the athletes!

My brother Kevin joined us live in-studio to talk about this Tuesday’s premiere of his new show on Lifetime, “Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.” He hosts it.. he doesn’t dance. And really, I’m SO glad we had him in here! He talked about my high school band. And the fact that I sang Limp Bizkit’s “Faith.” Abe refused to go to commercial break before our Kevin Sorbo interview until I sang a little bit of “Faith.”

Oh, and Abe’s got so much finesse, folks. In his introduction of Kevin Sorbo, Abe said quote, “Coming up next, Kevin Sorbo.. he had a bunch of strokes.” Which could explain why Kevin Sorbo didn’t end up calling in. Abe wasted no time eulogizing him — he said that he’s survived by “Xena, Warrior Princess.”

Here’s one from the Kevin Manno Quotebook: “I don’t get Flo Rida. It’s like Suge Knight singing Katy Perry songs.”

We talked about last night’s CM Punk DVD screening in Chicago, which I attended with Kevin. And, once again, I am SO glad that my brother came down tonight. He & Abe had a great laugh at some made-up story about Punk entering the room and me turning into a 9-year old girl trying to get Justin Bieber’s attention. Squealing and trying to show him that I made his face out of popsicle sticks.

Abe made one final pitch for my brother’s new show and an impassioned plea it was. Hell, I’ll even throw it into the Quotebook: “Here, Kevin.. I’m going to do you a favor. Everyone listening — you can still watch Bearnstein Bear’s Fishing Expo! But just put Lifetime on the other TV and leave the room.” Wow. How thoughtful, Abe!

Abe asked Kevin if he ever compliment Abby Lee Miller by telling her that she had quote, “a nice chassie” or “nice stems?”

And finally.. Abe compared himself to Bill Maher when talked about the way he cranks out these one-liners on Twitter during any important political event. Only thing is, Abe — YOU’RE NOT BILL MAHER! For instance, during the debate the other night.. he tweeted a zinger every 2-3 minutes. If it wasn’t tedious enough to follow Abe on Twitter, at least he recapped his Top 4 favorite debate night tweets for us. So, now not only does his pollution clog up your timeline.. he’s READING them on the air!?

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