ON HOLD EPISODE

Thursday, October 31, 2013

We kicked off tonight’s special Halloween episode of The Abe Kanan Show with a few costume “dos and don’ts.” But mainly don’ts. And actually, the more I think about it, we actually never got past #1 in the don’t column: BLACKFACE.

We stopped short of sharing its 19th century minstrel and vaudevillian history. We passed on preaching the ramifications to race relations or setbacks to civil rights. In fact, we didn’t even say “DON’T” wear blackface. We simply reminded America that, in our lifetimes, it has never, not once, ended well. I’m pretty sure that every tube of brown body paint now comes with a pre-written apology on the back. Just in case.

We did, however, point out that the level of public outrage does seem to vary between blackface fallout. And it’s usually based on how badly the panel of pissed off guys wants to sleep with you.

Take, for instance, the difference between Ted Danson and Julianne House. 20 years ago, Ted wore blackface to a Friars Club Roast — where virtually nothing is off limits — and performed a comedy routine written by his then-girlfriend, black comedienne Whoopi Goldberg. Today, when you type Ted Danson into Google, the very first autofill result is “Ted Danson blackface.” So, yeah, it’s got legs.

Unless you’re extremely hot like Julianne Hough, who, just this week, dressed as Crazy Eyes from “Orange is the New Black,” complete with ignorant blackface. Annnnnd chances are you didn’t even know about it. Even Al Sharpton said, “I am deeply disappoi—-oh, who am I kidding? Have you seen Miss Hough in yoga pants? I can’t stay mad at that.”

You’ll be glad to hear that our very own Bass took a stand against blackface tonight. He explicitly assured us that he will never be caught dead rockin’ a racelift. Because, as he put it, “ehhhh, painting your face takes way too long.”

I recommend you follow Abe’s lead and outright avoid any controversial costumes… by giving up completely and going as Elvis Presley every year. Yep, Abe has elected, once again, to dust off the ‘ol jumper and give ‘er one more curtain call.

Even trying it on this week was a magical moment for Abe. He adores that outfit so much that he’s giving some serious thought to dressing as Elvis all year. He sorta talked through his inner dialogue live on tonight’s show and, ultimately, decided against it. It’s not that he’s afraid of being judged as “weirdo Elvis.” No, his dealbreaking concern is that “the jumpsuit is starting to lose a few sequins.” Because that’s the part people are concerned with.

We moved on to hit some of Halloween’s most well known myths. Ya know, the fear-inducing folklore that’s survived generations of moron kids who will apparently believe anything. Perhaps most famous? Worrying that the hundreds of our fellow Trick-or-Treaters were biting into razor-filled apples. How did we never think to call bullshit on that one? Were we too dumb to wonder what kid with a pillowcase full of candy would ever survey his spread and lead with the Red Delicious?

It gave me an idea for a short film that I plan to produce in time for next Halloween. Here’s my elevator pitch:
• Creepy old pedophile gives a kid an apple with a razor blade in it.
• Kid gets home, dumps out his bag and we see him reach for the apple.
• Next scene shows the kid stomping back to the guy’s house, which he proceeds to burn down.
• In his final breaths, the creep realizes that he deserves his fate and apologizes to the kid for putting a razor blade in his apple.
• Everything stops. Everything silent. And the kid says, “Wait, there was a razor in my apple?”
The end.

We dissected Zillow’s annual list of best & worst American cities for Trick-or-Treating. More interesting, though, is that I dug up their 2011 list and noticed that Cleveland had fallen from #14 to completely off the list. As if that city needed something else to lose at.

But really, in two short years, what could’ve possibly happened to Halloween in Cleveland? Lebron. We imagine King James going door-to-door personally delivering full sized Snickers stapled to courtside Cavs tickets. Now kids in Cleveland won’t even leave the house to Trick-or-Treat. They just sit by the front door in the Lebron jersey, waiting for their hero to come back with a big hug and a Baby Ruth. Unfortunately, his talents weren’t the only thing Lebron took to Miami.

Listener Heidi called to tell us about the apparent joys of spending Halloween in a trailer park. Almost hard to believe we’ve been missing out on this incredible tradition for so long. Basically, the kids head out for candy while the adults smoke cigarettes in a truck and argue over the last warm beer. Come to find out, that’s also how they spent Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Heidi also provided a new scale for ranking the attractiveness of a woman. When Abe asked if she was a looker, Heidi’s responded, and I quote, “I’m somewhere between Kim Bassinger and a can of tuna fish.”

Ironically, a can of tuna fish is all her kids got for Halloween this year.

This week’s PSAbe — If you’re planning a big march and/or rally to draw attention to your super important cause, please reconsider placing a “million man” tag at the beginning. Even the actual Million Man March only had 400,000 people. Call it “tens of _____” and save yourself the embarrassment.

We moved into the Douchebag Power Rankings: Halloween Candy Edition…

Heat seeker: Circus Peanuts
#5) Milk Duds
#4) Individual suckers
• As a general rule of thumb, your Halloween candy should be slightly better than whatever they send through the bank drive thru
#3) Smarties
#2) Candy corn
• Not surprisingly, it’s a Sam Kanan favorite. But to be fair, Halloween was always a hard time for Sam. We found out that he has “soft teeth and weak enamel.” And that’s why he now passes out hummus and warm pita triangles.
#1) Black & orange mystery maple candy
• Jay the Gay called to clarify the name; they’re called “Mary Jane Peanut Butter Kisses.” Regardless, we stand by our claim that they are recycled wads of leftover candy from the previous Halloween.

Thanks to Jay for taking some time out of his wild Halloween to call in. It’s always nice to hear from him, but tonight, he really captured the essence of Halloween — a drunk, dramatic queen and his “straight” friend, both dressed in matching Mr. Leather outfits, sharing a Razor Scooter and breaking in people’s homes to demand Captain Morgan. Happy Halloween, everybody! Until next year…

All Rights Reserved. © 2018 AbeKanan.com