Monday, October 01, 2012

We kicked off the special 1-hour show as we do any time we’re in on the 1st of a month — with Abe playing the entire extended version of Bone Thugs & Harmony “1st of the Month” while yelling “coo,” “tight” and random nonsense about “pulling his stick out.”

Immediately after Bone ended, here’s one from the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “We’re filling in tonight, so if you’ve never heard our show before..” He continued. But Abe, let me assure you.. the ONLY people who continued listening after Bone Thugs ended were people who have heard our show before.

We talked about Bass’ endless laziness, which actually seems to be getting worse. See, before the show.. Abe asked if any of us could grab him a coffee at Starbucks, just to save him a little time in getting up here. Bass said he couldn’t. Because he wasn’t going to (or anywhere near) Starbucks. But, 5 minutes later, sure enough — Abe spotted Bass plodding down the street, waving to strangers and handing out “voiceover” business cards outside of the CVS.. which was a mere 6 FEET AWAY from the Starbucks!? Turns out, Bass “couldn’t” grab Abe his coffee because, well, that would tack on 3 tedious minutes of backbreaking effort! Mark my words — by this time next year, Bass will have figured out how to do this show from his couch.

We then moved into the “Douchebag Power Rankings” — our weekly rundown of people, places or things exhibiting remarkable public douchebaggery.

Before we got to the list, Abe moved to include an Honorable Mention; anyone who buys G-Spirits liquor! For only $180 a bottle, d-bags everywhere can own a bottle of this German vodka, whiskey or rum that has been “hand-poured” over the naked balloons of a model. Pathetic. And of course Abe isn’t buying it! Because, as everyone knows, he doesn’t need a middleman.. ol’ boy’s been pouring his booze all over balloons for years!

Douchebag Power Rankings

  1. Our Heat Seeker is Justin Bieber, who puked on-stage during a concert in Glendale.. though his vocals mysteriously continued as he vomited!? In Justin’s defense, it is impossible to sing AND dance at the same time. Just ask Michael Jackson. And the rest of the Jackson 5. And Janet Jackson. And James Brown. And Prince. And Pink. And Usher. And Gwen Stefani. Bieber would’ve have been higher on the list, but the li’l fella’s not feeling well, so we showed some mercy. See? We’re not total pricks!

Thanks to a strange technical malfunction, we went off the air for a few minutes.. without actually being off the air. So, our voices continued to be heard but we weren’t really talking? On second thought, forget what we just said about Bieber.

Back to the DBPR —

  1. The US Ryder Cup Golf Team, for their world class choke-job this weekend.
  2. Jack White for angrily storming off stage after just 45 minutes of his sold-out Radio City Music Hall show.. because he didn’t like the venue’s sound. But it’s cool, Jack. I couldn’t make it thru 45 seconds of Meg White’s sex tape because I didn’t like the sound.
  3. The BET Awards for continuing their impressive streak of show-stopping brawls and shootings. Congrats guys! If anyone listening is planning an awards show for a major network — it is ill-advised to invite a man named GUNPLAY.
  4. Fox NFL sideline reporter, Pam Oliver, who went ballistic after one of Abe’s friends (who works security at Soldier Field) wouldn’t hold her water bottle while she went live on TV. It’s too bad Sean Payton didn’t have a bounty on her insufferable head.
  5. And finally #1 — Arnold Schwarzenegger for revealing his true scumbag colors during last night’s “60 Minutes” interview. He claimed that Maria Shriver knew about all of his affairs during their marriage. Including the one with that dude Brigitte Neilsen. Well, Maria came out today and said she (obviously) know about any of it. Boy.. it’s a good thing that, while Governor, Arnold was SO committed to protecting the sanctity of marriage! God forbid all the gays ruin the meaning of such a sacred union.

And finally.. want more of the Abe Kanan Show? We’re filling in for Scotty Ferrall this Friday night from 8-11p EST!

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