Monday, September 17, 2012

Abe kicked off the show with a red alert for his boy Brad – you’re cut off.

After years of taking off his shirt before bar fights, after driving Ace Ventura-style down the Dan Ryan and puking into the wind while Abe whimpered in the passenger seat.. the final straw came this weekend, when Brad brought home a one-night-stand and did “butt-stuff” 5-minutes after she dropped a Dumbo-sized dump.

All the “rim talk” prompted a call from our elusive Squad Leader of Armpit Sex, who called to set the record straight: “I see nothing wrong with licking ass.” Classy. And at least Brad has some backup.

Abe, once again, laid back on the therapist’s couch and talked about his estranged father. I think I speak for all of us in this room when I say that it’s really nice to hear he’s making so much progress processing the pain of the past. Abe — I know it’s been 28.5 years since your Dad called you a mouse.. but really, you’re not a mouse. You’re a man. You can let that one go. For good.

Here’s a little something for the city folks straight from the South: Man of Honor Mike called in and said that he bought his wife a nice set of fake boobs — and on Saturday nights, he even takes her down to the Wal-Mart to show ëem off.

We talked about “Breaking Amish,” the new show on TLC. To no one’s surprise, Abe’s seen every episode so far.

But first — what happened to TLC? They went from showing a the history of Hummingbirds to Honey Boo Boo’s white trash family playing in a puddle of radioactive mud down by the “crick.” And if yíall got a problem with that.. you betta “red-neck-onize!”

Anyway, back to the Amish. Abe learned a few things from watching the show:

First, Sam would be the perfect Amish Bishop — getting off on “shunning” anyone who moved. Handing out “shuns” like “Stone Cold” Steve Austin dished out stunners!

Then, from the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “The only thing Amish people enjoy is jumping on trampolines.”

Abe got on his high horse — which, coincidentally, his friend Brad stole from an Amish kid after a fight — and talked about the common travesty among organized religions: keeping women down!

And as a proud, strong woman, Abe urged all the women of honor to join him in creating a NEW religion, in which women lead. The only commandment? Thou must sexually ravage men.

And finally, there is one thing Abe’s new religion is borrowing from Islam: the sharp designer suits. Because if Muslim men are known for anything, itís their fierce fashion and killer duds!

All Rights Reserved. © 2023 AbeKanan.com