Saturday, December 01, 2012

We started today’s show on the wrong foot. Something was just not right. And it wasn’t the fact that December 1st in Chicago was 60 degrees. No, we just couldn’t put our finger on it. After 3 minutes of horrible acting, Abe played Bone Thugs “1st of Tha Month,” (as mandated by our contract) and all was right with the world.

Abe recapped his involvement in a charity poker tournament last night. For those who didn’t hear it, I’ll pause briefly to let you speak aloud how you think it turned out for Abe. It’s 3 words.

…. pausing ….

Those of you who said, “I got fucked” were correct.

Richard Roeper, movie reviewer and Chicago’s Hugh Hefner, joined us live. He actually played in that same poker tournament last night. A noble and charitable cause, which was apparently raising money for inner city black kids born with no heads.

We did talk to Richard about movies, blah, blah, blah. But more pressing was his farm system for the skirts. Every time we run into him, he’s got a different knockout on his arm. And they always seem to get younger. Here’s Roeper’s age cutoff: if they take him to a party where the guy is using a baseball hat to collect $5 for a Solo cup, they’re too young.

When describing Richard Roeper, Abe Kanan logged the following entry into the Quotebook: “But he’s hot, Bass.”

I had some Fantasy Football news, with a quick recap of the Kansas City Chiefs injury report:

  • T Branden Albert (Back, Questionable)
  • DB Kendrick Lewis (Shoulder, Doubtful)
  • WR Dexter McCluster (Head, Probable)
  • LB Jovan Belcher (Gunshot, Out)

And last entry comes with our sincerest apologies to listener Jackie, who said that we were, quote, “dickheads.” Jackie – here’s a little more Gotye to smooth things over…

[ Abe plays Gotye ]

Sadly, Abe looked into his crystal ball and envisioned Bass meeting a similar tragic end as Jovan Belcher. Only minus the part about being a filthy rich, elite physical specimen. Bass offs himself after he goes a year without selling any DJ drops at BassInYourMix.org.

Some major bookkeeping news: we appointed a new Squad Leader today! Willie was made the Squad Leader of Laughing. He was stoned out of his gourd but, boy, was his laugh infectious. I’m pretty sure we all caught a contact high.

The Abe Kanan Show would like to apologize to the elderly everywhere. Due to Abe’s unfortunate loss in this week’s record Powerball drawing, he will be unable to fulfill his verbal commitment, in which he pledged to build “old people acitivity centers with Frank Sinatra impersonators every night.” As such, you will be forced to continue doing the Boogaloo in your current squalid conditions. As you were.

We talked about the act of “overcompensating.” Like when you slip up & offend someone, but go so far over the top to try and make it right. The moral of that conversation is to not sleep with a married woman and then ask her husband if he wants to get matching airbrushed t-shirts.

We became the only radio program in the history of broadcast communication to ever feature Richard Roeper and Jake the Snake Roberts as guests on the same program! Indeed, we had Jake on the phone from Diamond Dallas Page’s basement.

Who’d have guess that Jake Roberts, a man who needed to shoot crank in his stick just to get out of bed for 20 years, would end up imparting more wisdom on us than any other guest? A few highlights from Jake:


  • You have to deal with the stuff that happens in life. Deal with it now. Or deal with it later.
  • Make your kids homecooked meals.
  • If you think shit, you are shit.

Really, pretty awesome to hear Jake so focused.

Oh, he also talked about his new gluten-free diet. He said the shit he’s eating now tastes better than the shit he used to eat. End quote. That’s because 7 years ago, he was eating actual shit.

Though his physical health is better, he still showed a few signs of being mentally disturbed. Jake said his version of Viagra is watching a DVD of his cobra tear flesh from Randy Savage’s arm.

And finally, from the Jake the Snake Roberts Quotebook: “The last thing Jake Roberts was gonna do is sweat for pussy.”

We hit the Douchebag Power Rankings. Here’s a quick recap:

  1. Heatseeker: Workers at the Atlanta Airport, for greeting the New Orleans Saints team bus with cartons of eggs on the tarmac.
  2. Gerard Depardieu for crashing his scooter in France, while hammered.
  3. The Hector Macho Camacho Funeral for being the scene of 2 separate pull-apart brawls.
  4. Kelsey & Kayte Grammer for cruising Los Angeles with their newborn riding shotgun.
  5. Angus T. Jones for renouncing the same TV show that pays him $8 million a year. He’s right that “Two & a Half Men” is trash, but they don’t pay me $8 million a year to make Jon Cryer look like a good actor.
  6. Hostess who paid out nearly $40 million in bonuses to 19 executives, just weeks after threatenging to shut down because baker’s asked for a dollar raise and an extra bathroom break.

And finally, look for Abe Kanan to accept a CMA in 2013. His new single, “God is My Pickup Truck” has already, in the last 4 minutes, been certified gold and is #1 on the charts!

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