ON HOLD EPISODE

Saturday, December 08, 2012

We kicked off the show with good tidings of cheer and the happiest of Hanukah’s for Bass. Ever the diligent and faithful Jew, he’s celebrating by drinking pigs blood and working.

An early entry into the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I wanted to talk about Christmas, which is on… what is it? The… 25th?” This year, yes, Abe.

Abe brought up Christmas because he was feeling rather emotional for children of less fortunate families. You know.. the ones who, according to Abe and his bleeding heart, get 9-volt batteries, travel size Old Spice and a 3-pack of white briefs.

Another Quotebook entry, only this one comes from Sam “Scrooge” Kanan: “If you’re having a light Christmas, perhaps you should find a higher paying job.” He’s really in the spirit, folks!

Our Devotion to Accuracy Department would like to amend an erroneous statement made by Bass on today’s program. He mistakenly said that Santa Claus was imaginary; as in.. not real. That is a proven and well-documented mistruth, and as a result of his comment, Bass will be facing disciplinary action.

I would, however, like to reiterate a factual statement that I, Ryan Manno, made about Santa Claus. When Richie, the little ginger prick across the street, receives all the cool presents and you are stuck playing with a pack of AAA’s, that is because Santa Claus hates poor kids. Look it up.

Abe shared his disappointment over Sam’s actions last night. In a nutshell, a group of unruly rif-raf was tossing around a football in the street, 8 stories below Sam’s condo. Naturally, the elder Kanan chose not to close his windows and opted, instead, to call 911. As Abe pointed out, and to be fair to Sam, their midnight racket made it nearly impossible for Sam to enjoy his Art Tatum jazz records, bubble bath and Koala soup.

We talked movies. Specifically, movie theaters. More specifically, the Cinemark in Aurora, Colorado — the spot where James Holmes emptied a few dozen skulls this summer. They finally drywalled the bullet holes and have announce that they’ll reopen on January 17th. If you find that to be, in any way, morbidly insensitive, this may change your mind: theater owners are allowing anyone who was inside the theater during the shooting, to visit on the 16th and watch “Legally Blonde” for free. Man, some people have all the luck.

This next one will only make sense to people who know what we look like. If you’ve seen us, I want to give you a moment to picture Bass. Got him? Good. That guy said that Seth MacFarlane looks awkward!?!

Abe critized me for using the show “American Pickers” as an example to prove a point about scripted reality TV. He had a good laugh, mocking me for watching trash. Then, to the surprise of no one, followed it up with a “better example.” His words? “Like that time Kim Kardashian was spying on Bruce Jenner when he was playing golf.”

Judd Apatow joined us live. Arguably one of the most successful American film directors of modern times. The man was named, by Entertainment Weekly, the smartest person in Hollywood, on their annual list of 50. Only Abe Kanan would lead with not one, but 2 questions about excrement. Judd, moderately offended, asked if Abe would ask these same questions to Steven Spielberg. Obbviously, Mr. Apatow doesn’t know Abe. Yes, Judd, yes he would.

Bass shared a bit of a sad story about his Jewish youth. Apparently, to minimize costs on Hanukkah, Bass & his brother would receive individual components of a new Nintendo on each night. They literally could just stare at the pieces of an incomplete gaming console until night 8 when they would receive the power cord. Ironically, though, Bass’ lesser known brother, Schmiel, was so depressed by this that he used their Atari power cord to hang himself. That was a crazy night.

Parents — if you want to actually do Christmas up big this year! Abe announced a real steal for the holidays. He is auctioning off, as we speak, the rights to his domains, girlsonallfours.com and girlsrunningontreadmills.com. Now, ask yourself… are you gonna be a cool parent? Or a total square? Imagine little Joey’s eyes lighting up when he pulls out those very special deeds from his stocking.

Act today and Abe’ll even toss in the publishing for his smash hit country song, “God is my Pickup Truck.” Which, by the way, we heard fully produced by King Lawbreaker. It didn’t sound half bad.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Take off your pants, Ryan. And put on these chaps.”

Abe Kanan, who now fancies himself the Lou Pearlman of country music, actually had the audacity to criticize the career trajectory of Alicia Keys. For context, Alicia has the #1 album in America. While Abe Kanan, is the man responsible for “Lemme Put My Stick on It” and “Let Me Pull out My Stick.”

We did get serious for a moment, when Sam, Bass & I attempted a proper tribute to John Lennon on this, the anniversary of his death. Things were going fine until Abe chimed in with his impression of Yoko. Which consisted of her saying “aye” while bowing outside of her nail salon between taking pictures.

And finally, we talked about prank phone calls, in the wake of the “Royal Prank” tragedy. Abe has kindly asked all other radio hosts (especially McFadden and The Cootsniffer) down in St. Columbus to refrain from doing prank calls. Forget that they’re not funny… you’re tarnishing Abe’s reputation. Which, if you’ve absorbed anything I’ve just explained in this memo, is clearly not worth the paper I’m reading from.

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