ON HOLD EPISODE

Saturday, December 15, 2012

For the first time in the history of this program, we kicked things off without a hint of sarcasm. No joking. No 25-minute string of insults at whichever one of us happened to be unlucky enough to take the “ball-busting pendulum.” And justifiably so. We had a rare, but serious discussion about the atrocity in Newtown, Connecticut.

It goes without saying — there is nothing remotely funny about the situation. But that does NOT mean that a few unintentionally chuckle-worthy items didn’t escape our mouths today.

Like this, from the Abe Kanan Quotebook. I will give you no context, just the quote from Abe himself: “Abe Kanan has a learning disability.” He said it. Check the tape.

When Abe admitted that he knows nothing about guns, I think we assumed “nothing” was just a figure of speech. It wasn’t. He knows so little that his reference points, when describing firearms, are “James Bond gun” or “Rambo gun.”

We offered our most insincere apology to everyone on Twitter whose Friday timeline interaction was ruined by yesterday’s massacre. I speak for all four of us when I say that we are deeply regretful that you were “so stressed out by this line at Chipotle.”

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “If your kid is killing squirrels.. you should, uhh, stop him.” Sage advice, man.

Debbie from Texas called in and somehow ended up calling her 23-year old son a “royal asshole who you’d all assume, after one conversation, could probably be a mass murderer.” You think she has that on a “my kid is ___” bumper sticker?

Sam Kanan jumped in with a rare Quotebook entry today: “I’m 32 and I play with a lot of 12 year old kids.” Yeah, Sam? Chris Hansen wants you to have a seat over there.

We did, eventually, lighten the mood & recapped our trip to New York for Howard’s annual Holiday Party. I think we can all agree that the food alone was worth the price of our flight? Though I will say that Abe & Bass really got their money’s worth. These two treated this very brief visit like it was their final 30 hours on this planet.

Sam & I, who no longer behave like we’re college freshmen, learned that we missed Laverne & Shirley doing a full karaoke set — with wardrobe changes & pyro. It’s just too bad that the only people left at that point were the barbacks Deigo & Salamaca.

While Sam & I were sawing logs, these guys were just getting started. They somehow ended up hanging out with illegal cab drivers, playing poker in a smoky stock room in Queens, eating cheeseburgers and planning to kidnap the Statue of Liberty.

I really don’t even know why they got a hotel room. And based on their description of the place, it was the same spot Tom Hanks stayed in “Big.”

We talked about the big 12-12-12 benefit concert over the weekend. Wait. I should clarify – Abe critiqued THE FASHION of the people at the benefit concert over the weekend.

There was, however, one artist who didn’t take a verbal lashing. Log this in the AK Quotebook: “Roger Daltrey… he actually has a really nice frame.”

Yep, Abe again declared himself a “stylist to the stars.” If you think that a man whose closet contains ONLY 17 black t-shirts, can’t possibly be serious, you’d be wrong. In fact, here’s a quote about our host: “(Abe) really knows the fashion industry.” Try to disregard the fact that Abe himself was the one who said it.

Which actually brings today’s show full circle. If you know anyone who might be suffering from any sort of mental delusion, PLEASE get them some help before it’s too late.

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