Saturday, December 22, 2012

We kicked off the show with a PSA, of sorts: If you’re gifting a new puppy for Christmas, it is unwise to wrap it two weeks early.

It didn’t take long for Bass to reveal his true colors. Here’s how it went down: In celebration of the holidays + a great year of broadcasts, Sam generously offered to treat the crew to a GROUP dinner tonight. Unfortunately, Abe & I had previous commitments. Naturally, you’d assume that we’d find another evening that works for ALL of us, right? Not if Bass “Free Meals” Levy gets his way. After sending Sam multiple texts suggesting that the two of them go without us, Bass went so far as to offer Sam a ride home after the show. How thoughtful! But the moment that Sam told Bass, “We can still go, but I’m not buying unless we’re all there,” Bass conveniently remembered that he was busy tonight. So… to really test his integrity, Abe & I (jokingly) announced that our plans had fallen through and we were down to dine on Sam’s dime. Big surpiiiiise — Bass became available again!?! He kinda makes you wanna cancel Christmas.

Less than twenty seconds after saying “we’re in a festive mood today,” here’s one from the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “When you go to these stupid family parties, it sucks that you have to buy crap for all those assholes.” Yeah, definitely leaning towards canceling.

Ever the entrepreneur, Abe offered to start managing Bass’ side-career as a seasonal Santa-For-Hire. I will admit — Bass does make a VERY convincing Santa. Abe, as a manager? A lot less convincing. His suggested starting rate for a two-hour appearance? $5,000.

“Bass Claus” was just the beginning; Abe’s opportunistic visions for Bass continued. In the St. Nick off-season, Abe’s putting his partner in porn! He sees Bass as being bigger than Ron Jeremy, figuratively speaking. In Abe’s own words, “Bass is a beautiful model.”

We moved into the Mayans’ failed forecast that the world would end yesterday. And despite their prediction problems, the Mayans still have a better record than Abe’s “Best Bet of the Week.”

We addressed the morons who’ve wasted the last five years prepping their underground fallout lairs. Serious queRstion: when our entire planet swallows itself in a soul-melting implosion of apocalyptic chaos, what good will your gross of 9-volt batteries serve?

Abe wisely encouraged all Wal-Mart employees to tape a notice on the main entry doors, which reads: “We are not accepting returns on any doomsday supplies. That is your asshole tariff. You have to keep it.” And his string of solid ideas rolls on.

After doomsday, we moved into everyone’s Christmas plans:

Bass will be celebrating with his fiancée, Jill. BUT… because Bass is of the Jewish faith, he is predicting another year of phony sympathetic involvement, to account for the fact that no gift tags say “From: Santa, To: Bass.” For the third straight year, he’ll reprise his role as the party’s “official Paper Police.” But, hey, at least they give him a toy badge.

Abe is celebrating by ordering takeout from Hooters and watching “The Karate Kid.” Joyous! What he WON’T be doing is joining Sam & his girlfriend at her family party. Apparently, last time he went, Abe felt like Oliver Twist crashing Christmas as Richard Branson’s. Considering their “$50 limit” grab bag contained a time share in Bora Bora, Abe’s Olive Garden gift card didn’t have the impact he was hoping for.

To anyone receiving gifts from Abe Kanan this Christmas: he hasn’t bought it yet. He prefers to do 100% of his shopping on Christmas Eve, because he “likes to get in and out.” Something you apparently can’t do on December 8th? So, when you open your Wacky Backy Scratcher and 3-pack of Corn Nuts, know that it may have come from the only open CVS in Cook County…. but it’s still from the heart.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “What are those things called? Those mitts for the oven?”

We talked about Suzy Favor-Hamilton – she’s the former Olympian outed as a high-priced prostitute. $600 an hour. So, for that price… you can either A.) get down with a tight bodied Olympian, or B.) pay Bass to put on a fake white bears and eat all the food at your family’s party.

And finally, we covered Ray Elbe – the amateur MMA fighter who broke his penis during sex with his lady. He told police that the accident occurred after he “threw her into the air and misjudged the landing.” LANDING? Last we checked, aircraft and sex should NOT require similar instructions for a safe finish.

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