Saturday, December 29, 2012

We kicked off today’s show almost missing a host! Abe ran in four minutes to showtime, said he was late because of his bowels, tossed his coat down & groaned that he “didn’t finish.” We’re not sure how “unfinished” it was — but for all intents and purposes, just assume that he did the first 25 minutes touching cotton.

Here’s another Fast Food Pro Tip from Mr. Kanan: after printing multiple Burger King coupons at their website, you’ll notice the fine print about “only one coupon per customer per visit.” Abe’s wily workaround? He recommends driving to MULTIPLE BURGER KINGS. Very stealth! He’s like the James Bond of calories.

Abe told us about the time he met Suge Knight in Las Vegas. He approached him with a friendly, “Suge! What up baby?” Before Suge knew what hit him, Abe gave him a bro-hug while making up a lie about “Dre introducing us back in the day!” That got us talking about guys named Dre – they’re really named Andre. And that led us to rewrite Hulk Hogan’s historic body slam of “Dre The Giant” at WrestleMania 3.

Bass asked Abe to stand up in his wedding. A high honor! But… based on Abe’s reactions, you’d think Bass just asked him to clean his cat’s anal glands. Abe is legitimately pissed that he’s already got plans for October 2013. Making matters worse? Bass told us that the wedding’s on a SUNDAY during football season! If anyone has a venue open on a Wednesday afternoon, please contact Abe or myself.

Abe Kanan Quotebook, talking about the “horrible job” of being an usher at someone’s wedding: “You have to walk all those scumbags down the aisle.”

Jay the Gay called to ask Bass if his invite was in the mail? Turns out, he’s been practicing the famed “Dirty Dancing” routine with a Ryan Manno effigy. And based on the pictures he tweeted, that’s not all he’s been doing with it. It took my eyes a minute to figure out the photos, but initially, I thought it was an explosion at a ground beef factory.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “When you’re as hot as Matthew McConaughey…”

We pressured Bass into honoring his deceased father (you know… the clown), by letting his Dad’s puppet, Dr. Heckle, give his best man’s speech. “Welcome to the family, Jill! But first… come smell this plastic flower.”

Before we got into the Douchebag Power Rankings: 2012 Year in Review, we tossed out a top 5 potential DB’s for 2013:

  1. The Obama girls, who, based on our indisputable computer data, will either become Juggalos or pregnant in the coming year.
  2. The Elmo replacement — Abe feels he’ll be a little too PC & boring. If I may… when your predecessor spent a decade destroying young dirt buttons, it’s tough to NOT look PC by contrast.
  3. Mark Zuckerberg — if Instagram gets as lame as Facebook, we might look to the Winklevoss Twins to save us.
  4. Steve Harvey — that moustache, the huge suits, the huger teeth. Folks, if you think his face is oversaturated now, just wait. Survey says: Steve’s busting out bigger in ’13!
  5. Blanket Jackson — we can’t say when, where or how he’ll enter douchebaggery… but it’s time.

And here they are… your top 10 Douchebags of 2012:

  1. Heat Seeker: Vince Neil
  2. BET Awards — in 2013, don’t invite a guy named Gunplay to your party, then complain when he plays with guns!
  3. Steven Segal — dude… you’re a washed-up actor from Michigan!? Stop talking like you’re some wise old Taiwanese oracle.
  4. Westboro Baptist Church
  5. Workers at the Atlanta airport, who initially made the list because they egged the New Orleans Saints team bus on the tarmac. But the more I think about it… when have you ever met an airport employee who wasn’t a douche?
  6. Arnold Schwarzenegger — for really crusading to uphold the sanctity of marriage! Marriage is clearly defined as being between a man and a woman and their maid + a bastard kid and hundreds of thousands of dollars in hush money. Got it?
  7. Kim Kardashian — for saying that Rob Kardashian is the funniest person she knows.
  8. Rob Kardashian — for being the unfunniest person we know.
    Quick sidebar: Abe almost short-circuited talking about the Kardashian family dynamic. I’ll tell you, man, for a hetero 31-year-old American male, you know (and care) FAR too much about this family.
  9. The entire NHL
    **also, I’d like to apologize to all hockey fans for Abe’s statement about you being racist. Especially Jim McClure. Game onnnnn!
  10. Donald Trump
  11. Hostess

Kevin Sorbo, TV’s Hercules, joined us live and shared a few warning signs before a stroke. Exciting shit.

Oh, he also cleared up one of mankind’s biggest mysteries! Who shot JFK? Who killed Princess Diana? Did Hercules ever hook up with Xena: Warrior Princess? Sorbo set it straight —– no, no they did not.

And finally, to any ladies who happen to be dancers or massage therapists: know that when you tell people what you do for a living, we automatically assume you’re a stripper or give happy endings.

Have a Happy New Year, everyone! See ya in 2013!

All Rights Reserved. © 2023 AbeKanan.com