ON HOLD EPISODE

Saturday, January 05, 2013

We kicked off the show with a farewell to you, our loyal Saturday audience. February 16, 2011, was the first time you welcomed us into your cars, your homes & your lives. Alas, in life, and certainly in this business, change is the only constant. So from all of us here at The Abe Kanan Show, we thank you for your warmth, your support and all the joy you’ve brought us. This is the final time you will ever hear Manno’s Memo in this, our little Saturday sanctuary.

See?? I tried dragging it out as long as Abe did. But that WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE! After 15 minutes of telegraphing his swerve, Abe announced that we are, indeed, moving to Thursday & Friday from 8-11 EST. So, the days Howard’s not on, we are. And it starts this Thursday.

Mike “the math teacher” called in to congratulate us on the move. Mike’s the dude who called a few months back & asked if he should have sex with one of his high school students. We said no and his defense was, “but she looks like Kim Kardashian.” Anyway, we found out that he didn’t tag her… YET! That’s because she turns 18 in a month. Abe “Keep it Classy” Kanan actually gave the guy props for quote, “not being a scumbag” because he’s waiting ’til she graduates.

We revisited Abe’s pretty brilliant theory that you can gauge someone’s level of fame based on how difficult it is to kill them. Think about it… you wanna kill George Clooney? Good luck. You wanna kill Bass? Have at it.

Quick side note – Abe accidentally revealed that he didn’t know our producer Britton’s last name. He’s been with us for 6-7 months now. Don’t feel bad Britton, Abe’s just bad with names. There are people that we worked with for 6-7 years and he still calls them “Big Man.”

A helpful tip for our New York City listeners, who are also male, horny & have discretionary income: one of our listeners, a journalist working on a piece about prostitution, says that Jackson Heights in Queens is the prime spot to find a full service rub & tug. Happy hunting ending!

We revisited another one of our theories: if you have to ask permission before trying a sexual act on a woman, you probably shouldn’t be doing it.

We hit our New Year’s Resolutions:

  • Mine is to watch my spending more closely.
  • Sam’s is to eat healthier.
  • Bass’ is to speak his mind. So, whenever you see Bass and he’s humming “Dueling Banjos,” that’s just what’s going on in his mind.
  • Abe’s is to dunk a basketball by the time he turns 32 in August.

We asked for any fitness gurus to call with insight on what it’ll take for Abe to get there. He’s 6’2″ and can currently touch the net. But what’s something that can really push him over the edge?

John in Pennsylvania, a personal trainer, called in with some tips. But the bigger news here is that we appointed John the Squad Leader of Personal Trainers. Congrats man! Tell that to the chicks you con into paying $600 for 45 minutes of stretching.

We learned that it’s quite easy to become a certified personal trainer. It actually takes longer to complete online traffic school for rolling a stop sign.

If Abe is somehow able to pull this dunk off, Sam has already pledged to give him $5,000 and I will tattoo the best still image of the dunk across the entire width of my back.

“Can-Crush Jack” called in with a salute to Abe’s goal and you know he crushed a mean one! After which Abe declared that 2013 is the year….. of the dunk.

From there, we got into sports –

We didn’t think it was possible, but Jets coach Rex Ryan has managed to outcreep himself. If you thought his homemade foot porn was strange, new photos of Rex hit the web yesterday, in which he is showing off his new tattoo. It’s his wife, wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey while Tebowing. What a weirdo.

One thing we didn’t touch on, though, was the poor paparazzo who got that photo assignment. Clearly, he was in the doghouse. I have to imagine their morning meeting went like this, “Alright, Tomkins – you’re tailing Simon & Brittney in Fiji today. They’re partying on a yacht. Rollins… you’ve got Rex Ryan at the beach.”

We got into some of the coaching changes around the NFL. Like Andy Reid landing the Chiefs job 3 days after being canned for failing in Philly. I asked how these guys continue to make a career out of failing. Try that at your job! Underperform at Starbucks… screw up 50% of your drinks & see if Caribou Coffee is blowing you up the day you get fired.

Speaking of failures — Abe brought back Best Bet of the Week for the playoffs! Put your life savings on the Packers -8 vs. the Vikings. And like most well-read sports handicappers, Abe’s supporting evidence was “the Vikings suuuuck.” So, factor that in when you’re taking out the second mortgage.

We closed the show with a music discussion, after I asked Abe to appoint me music direction when we move to weeknights. I want to make our show sound like it’s actually 2013 and not 1986. Abe’s foolishly afraid that I’ll only play unknown artists like The Dingleberries (fact: I have never heard of The Dingleberries). But, hey, I won’t fight him on this. After all, I know everyone can’t get enough Danzig deep cuts and KISS b-sides.

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