Saturday, November 03, 2012

We revisited last night’s abortion of a show. During a 4 hour broadcast, we did a grand total of 3 minutes and 47 seconds of live radio, thanks to Hurricane Sandy knocking out our ISDN lines. The highlight of which was our producer Brittan’s music choice in an emergency. When all else failed, Brittan grabbed the only thing that made any sense whatsoever: the wildly popular “Stiletto” by Billy Joel. And then yelled at us for being confused about why he picked it.

Abe enacted a new emergency plan — next time we’re off the air because of a natural disaster or because Abe drops dead of a heart attack, Brittan is to grab “Drag the Waters” by Pantera and press play.

And don’t think Abe dropping dead is some far off possibility. His first words to me today were “Ryan, do you know how inexpensive it is to actually eat well? For $2, you can feast on Wendy’s dollar menu.”

He continued this on the show, with this entry to the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Really, you could eat like a King.”

We got back into the story of my bodyguard and heard the new masterpiece from King Lawbreaker. Truly, it’s his “Strawberry Fields Forever.” Excellent job on that song! But we also realized that, because Abe was with me 90% of the time… Harry, by default, also served as Abe’s bodyguard.

Here’s one from the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “When you see someone pull out a long anaconda, you don’t want to let someone put it in your butt. Especially if you’re an ass virgin.”

We talked about porn stars from LA having more STDs than hookers in Nevada. 28% of porn stars carry some form of disease. Such a problem that LA County Residents will actually be voting on Tuesday on whether or not porn stars should be legally required to wear protection. The Abe Kanan Show would like to officially endorse “NO condoms!” Think of the effect it will have on your porn viewing experience. It’ll be tragic.

Let the record clearly state — Sam Kanan is NOT… I repeat, NOT… boys with Kim Jong Il.

We talked about Bass’ upcoming wedding. The budget: $1,000-3,000. Bass’ desired meal? McDonald’s Filet O Fish and Daily Double. That’s his version of surf & turf. He’s not kidding. Why? Perhaps this entry into the Bass quotebook will explain it: “It’s my first wedding. I want to go ALL OUT!” The future Mrs. Bass continues to be the unluckiest fiancee in America.

Bass, let me remind you of something Abe said: if you only spend $1000 on this wedding, don’t invite him and expect a gift of $200. He’s not paying for 1/5 of your wedding.

We heard from our Sensai Sludge, who was actually friends with Jill’s first husband, Rusty Pistachio. But that’s not the real story! We learned that another one of our friends, Eddie, used to sleep with Bass’ future wife. Quite a downgrade!

We also learned that Sludge went to the hospital yesterday for a dislocated pinky finger, sustained while tossing around a mini Nerf football around the office. Sludge, however, checked in on FourSquare from the hospital. And, as Abe pointed out, if someone is at a hospital and more concerned with becoming the Mayor of the Emergency Room, chances are… they’re gonna make it.

Another real solid life lesson: if your girl ever tells you that she’s slept with Warren Sapp, it’s time to find a new girl. Seriously.. I’d rather Laura tell me that she had sex with a military issue Hummer than Warren Sapp.

And finally, Abe recapped his “Break Vegas” picks for tomorrow’s NFL action. Fellas, here’s your ticket to riches, power and glory:

  1. Chiefs at Chargers (San Diego -7 ½)
  2. Broncos at Bengals (Bengals +3 ½)
  3. Cardinals at Packers (Packers -11)
  4. Dolphins at Colts (Dolphins -2 ½)
  5. Ravens at Browns (Browns +3 ½)
  6. Bills at Texans (Bills +10)
  7. Panthers at Redskins (Redskins -3 ½)
  8. Lions at Jaguars (Jaguars +3 ½)
  9. Bears at Titans (Titans +3 ½)
  10. Vikings at Seahawks (Seahawks -5)
  11. Buccaneers at Raiders (Buccaneers +2)
  12. Steelers at Giants (Steelers +3 ½)
  13. Cowboys at Falcons (Cowboys +4)
  14. Eagles at Saints (Eagles +3 ½)
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