We kicked off the show with some breaking news out of Florida. You know how the other 49 states reported all of their votes in roughly 12 hours on Tuesday? Well, Florida just finished. They’re like your mentally handicapped cousin — you genuinely love visiting him, but he can be pretty embarrassing in public.
Abe said that after watching Obama’s victory speech, the President reminds him of his high school teacher Mr. Morris. They’re both men “worthy of being looked up to.” Because in Abe Kanan’s brain, the leader of the free world talking about equality and unity for all mankind is on the same level of “coooo” as the guy who gave Abe an extra bottle of White-Out.
Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Do you guys remember when your teachers gave you deodorant in 8th grade?” Nope.
We talked about Usher being allowed to cut the voting line in Roswell, Georgia. Town officials said that it was to keep things moving quickly. But, as Sam pointed out, had they really been concerned with efficiency.. they wouldn’t have asked Usher for moonwalking lessons.
We found out that Bass thinks Malia Obama is hot. The President’s 14-year-old daughter. 14! I just realized that Bass was chanting “4 more years!” for a completely different reason.
Abe solicited for calls from any men who have ever traveled to the Phillipines, paid a thousand dollars to some poor family for a week alone with their 10-year-old twin daughters. We must be having problems with the phone line or something, because we still haven’t gotten any calls on that.
We heard King Lawbreaker’s most recent masterpiece: a parody about Briton’s brilliant decision to play Billy Joel’s “Stiletto” when we got knocked off the air last week. No joke here. Just fine, fine work.
From the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “If you ever get banged by a huge horse, he will rip thru your insides and kill you.”
That was inspired by talk of Abe’s friend Melissa, who recently got engaged to some old guy she’s known for 3 months, because he bought her 2 nice things from Tiffany’s. As you can deduce, she’s quite the whore. Though, we can’t confirm or deny that she’s ever actually slept with with Seabiscuit.
And another from Abe’s Quotebook: “If you’ve ever had sex with a horse, you deserve to get killed.”
We created a new sexual slang term, in the same league as the Blumpkin and Glass Coffee Table. It’s called “The Communion.” During said act, the woman becomes a virtual communion offering.. passed around the room for all guests to have “a taste.”
We continued our discussion of whores and, in Bass’ lovable mind, a woman can only renounce her whore ways when she gets a college degree!?! Heart of gold, folks.
We got to talking about healthy communication in relationships. Sam wisely pointed out that the only excuse to ever go missing….. is when you’re actually missing.
In this week’s “Lesson from Sludge,” we learned that, when pursuing a lady, if some guy in a bar tells you to “watch out for her,” then asks for your email address so that he can forward photos of his arm literally disappearing inside of her.. he was right. You’re gonna want to watch out for her.
We talked about that Asian teacher who bribed her students to ace a test by dressing in sexy maid outfit. Giggity. I realized that bribe would never work in Mexico.
Abe daydreamed about if he were a high school teacher. “Would all the girls be attracted to me?,” he wondered. We told him that was a weird thought. His response? “But what if I wore tight pants?”
That inspired Mike from San Francisco to call in with a dilemma. He’s a high school math teacher and one of his students is 16, looks a lot like Kim Kardashian and keeps flirting with him. He knows he shouldn’t do it, but he wants to. Foolishly, he asked for our opinion. When we told him that he should quit his job and seek counseling, his defense, “but she’s 16 AND A HALF and she looks bad as hell.”
Abe Kanan Show regular “can crush Jack” called in to salute Mike The Pedophile. In an unexpected swerve, Jack told Mike to “rip it up” and followed it with, what else?? An earth shattering can crush!!! Kid’s still got it.
And finally, as listener Snake pointed out, it really does pay for all of our listeners to follow Abe’s lead and change your email signature to read “sent from my iCellaphone.” It got this guy a new house!*
*results not typical