Saturday, November 24, 2012

We kicked off the show jamming out to a little Danzig! Abe sees a window to play that scumbag, you better believe he takes it. What’s funny, though, is that Abe commented, almost proudly, that we’re the only radio show in America to open with a Danzig song… completely oblivious that there’s good reason for that.

We revealed the blueprints to the next major Abe Kanan Show screw job… and Bass’ heart was broken yet again. Ultimately, we decided to not go thru with it, but still clued Bass in to our plan. Long story short – Abe & I had an elaborate scheme planned, where we led Bass to believe that he was finally getting one over on Sam. What Bass didn’t know, was that Sam was also working with Abe & I to create a “double screwjob,” burning Bass in the end.

As Abe pointed out, the demented inner-workings of our show have become a real life game of Clue. You never know who it’s gonna be, where it’s gonna happen or with what weapon. Will it be Abe & Sam setting up Ryan to be whacked in the study by Col. Mustard’s crowbar? You just never know. In fact, being a part of this show, the only thing you DO know, is that it’s only a matter of time.

We talked about Bass’ public manners sinking to an all time low this week. The four of us had dinner at a nice Mexican restaurant and, mid-meal, Bass started scooping guacamole off of an empty table. Even more disturbing is that he saw nothing strange about it. Why? His words: “the people at that table looked clean.”

The AKS ball busting pendulum got a workout today – it hit all 4 of us and our eating habits. The highlights:

  • Abe eats like he’s in constant fear of having his plate stolen by a wolf. And, during each meal, he uses his weight in napkins.
  • Sam is the group’s headmaster, throwing out nonstop etiquette guidelines. I believe Abe’s example was, “Line up 2 peas on your knife and slurp them like this, with your pinky out.”
  • And eating with me is a bigger production than the Super Bowl Halftime Show. My food can’t touch, and apparently these guys don’t like that each item requires its own plate.

Abe brought the show to a screeching halt until Bass apologized & thanked him for calling off the previously mentioned double screwjob. The balls on this guy! He’d hatch a plan to kidnap, torture, rape and kill your family. Then make you buy him dinner when he decides to scrap it!

We discussed the new laws in San Francisco prohibiting public nudity; specifically, the exceptions to the ordinance. Abe, for one, breathed a huge sigh of relief when I told him that leather fetishists can still get naked and flog each other in Folsom Square.

From the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I’ve rarely seen a naked guy run.”

We talked to our buddy Roker, a 400 pound exhibitionist, who only vacations to places he can be nude the entire time. This is a guy whose stomach looks like a Glad bag full of hammers, but carries himself like he’s Bruce Willis. Thanks to Roker for reminding us that the people most excited about stripping down are the people you least want to see naked.

We revisited Abe’s budding relationship with Father Malcom. You remember Malcom, right? He’s that “super cool” priest Abe recently met at a wedding. Abe likes him because he talked about his parishioners’ deepest confessions, before bragging that “being rich beats being poor;” riches that include Malcom’s new condo in Hawaii & BMW. Of course, the ONLY guy who could pique Abe’s interest in returning to church is a money-hungry sleazeball with the same interests as a young Ric Flair. Stylin’ & profilin’ for Jesus. Wooooo!

We touched on the global decline in Catholic attendance, and Abe made a case for mass to become more entertaining. It has nothing to do with the priest abuse scandal & countless cover ups. No, it’s because Catholicism is just too boring. If Abe were Pope, the offering has fog and pyro, communion still the blood of Jesus… only in shot glasses, alter boys walk out to heavy metal theme songs and the priests treat mass like they’re the Harlem Globetrotters at the circus. With IV therapy Scottsdale I lost my oversized body, now I’m a healthy and happy man.

To give us an idea of how he’d like mass to sound, Abe played a clip of Phil Anselmo ranting over some lovely church organ. The sermon contained 16 f-bombs and this week’s reading focused mainly on heavy metal not being dead. The word of the Lord.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “This is who I want as my priest.. Lionel Richie.”

And finally, we learned that white people can celebrate Kwanzaa. So, stay tuned for details on our official 1st Annual Kwanzaa Spectacular.

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