We kicked off the show with 2 & a half minutes of Ice Cube’s “Today was a Good Day.” And as only a room full of 4 white kids can, we only rhymed the end of each bar.
I got my grub on, but didn’t PIG OUT
Finally got a call from a girl I wanna DIG OUT
But really, as Abe said.. any day in which he does not have to use his AK.. that’s a good day.
Abe told us about his buddy buying a car off of Craigslist. After he said, “show me the CarFax,” he realized that the odometer had 60,000 fewer miles than it did in 2008. And no, Bass, you don’t roll back the odometer like Ferris Bueller did. That’s not how it works.
Here is, quite possibly, the harshest entry into this show’s Quotebook. At 4:09 PM Central Standard Time, Sam Kanan said, “I hope you get hit by a drunk driver, Abe.”
Sam, obviously feeling bad about what he just said, tried backpedaling a bit. He attempted to clarify his mistaken statement. But Abe started praying obnoxiously — in song, no less — and wouldn’t let it go. So, Sam stopped feeling bad and added that he hopes the drunk driver not only hits Abe, but kills him.
To which Abe replied, “Sam, the difference between us…… is that I hope all of your dreams come true.”
According to Abe Kanan, the following jobs require the highest levels of honor:
- auto mechanic
- computer repairman
- furnace technician
Another form the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “If you steal Pioneer CD players or change odometers, you’re a piece of shit.”
We found out that a 16-year-old Sam Kanan wrote a contract on a piece of notebook paper — the contract ended up helping a friend win a case on an episode of Judge Mathis.
Back to the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “You touch one hair on my brother’s head, I’ll touch all the hairs on your head!”
Listener Joe called in from Carney Point and told us about the “tater chip ‘n mustache ride.” According to Joe, it’s where your woman sits on your face for some cunnilingus. When she’s off, you put your face in front of a “win-derrr fan,” peel it off and eat it like a potato chip.
Thankfully, Adam Carolla was sitting on hold and heard that suggestion. He recalled reading that one in a Giada cookbook. Of course, it tastes better with (Giada voice) rrrrriccooottttaaa.
Adam talked to us for 30+ minutes about the following topics:
- how horrible salespeople are
- people who have “dress denim,” the black jeans that don’t have transmission fluid on them
- adults who have no problem spending $50 on MMA pay-per-views and $17 per Red Bull / Vodka, but still can’t invest in a single shirt with buttons
- Rodney King, who is only a hero in the black community because they don’t know how to shame people like Jews or Asians
- the LAPD. Here’s a tip for all of our Men & Women of Honor in Los Angeles — the LAPD WANT to beat the shit out you. Just give them a reason.
- minimum wage employees who go on “no” rolls; once they start saying “no,” there’s nothing you can do to stop them.
Here’s one from the Adam Carolla Quotebook: “If you’re too Southern, you start to sound gay.”
Blues legend Buddy Guy joined us — a true honor — and he told us that Mick Jagger still owes him $800 from a night in the 70’s. It’s cool though, Buddy is thinking about just stealing one of his guitars.
Buddy talked to us about playing “Sweet Home Chicago” with President Obama, the first time he saw his daughter gangsta’ rapping live and the fact that he was heading down to the bank to kick someone’s ass over a few mis-managed funds.
And finally.. Buddy invited us to suck down some chitlins with him over a glass of wine at his blues club here in Chicago. He must not know what it’s like to eat with Bass.