ON HOLD EPISODE

Saturday, October 13, 2012

We kicked off the show with the new Rolling Stones joint “Doom & Gloom.” I just want to point out that the official studio recording of that song does not say the word “coooo” every 4 seconds. Believe it or not, that was just Abe Kanan playing a separate piece of audio over a song.

Speaking of “coooo,” Abe found a new rap song which starts with the word. It’s only .002 seconds long, so you’ll need to listen closely. But naturally, Abe thinks that, because of this show, it’s catching on in pop culture.

Abe took it a step further and shared his vision of the word “coooo” being so popular that it’s commonplace at every major sporting event. It’ll replace the wave, he says! Just groups of people standing up and screaming “coooo” at the field. Signs in the stands. The jumbortron flashing the word after a nice play. Even the PA announcer belting out a big “cooooooo.”

Not coooo? The guys recapped the men on my “Make Out List.” And every time Abe tells the story of how this list came to be, I get a little gayer. In today’s re-enactment, I made Elton John look like R. Lee Ermy.

The ball busting pendulum swung back to Bass — where it belongs.

This week, in a group iMessage, Bass suggested a new segment for the show. His idea: we all bring a hot chick to the proverbial table and add her to a board. And for the sake of this conversation, let’s just call it a big board. It really is a great idea, Bass. And, as even casual listeners of the Abe Kanan Show know, WE ALREADY DO THAT. So maybe that’s where you got the idea? To be fair though, Bass did flunk 2nd grade because he got an F in listening.

Bass’ brilliance got our creative juices flowing and we actually came up with a few other fresh ideas for the show. Keep in mind, none of these segments have names and they’re not fully fleshed out. So feel free to shoot us some tweets this week.

  • A weekly ranking of the biggest douchebags in pop culture. Kinda like the NFL Power Rankings. It might just work.
  • And why not put that 888.STERN.101 number to use and involve callers in the show?
  • But don’t refer to them as callers. Or listeners. Devoted Abe Kanan Show fans deserve a distinct title based on levels of commitment. We’ll get there.
  • Furthermore, we could have some celebrity guests join us every week.
  • And maybe, just maaaybe, at the end of every show, one of us could recap what happened with some type of sarcastically written monologue?

It’s all a work in progress, folks.

Abe had a rough week — he mysteriously injured his foot and is currently wearing a really handsome orthopedic boot. Which you can see right now at twitter.com/sam_kanan. Honest, Abe, no one will even notice that huge square thing you’re awkwardly dragging around.

I pointed out that Abe is the toughest guy I know.. until he gets hurt. He was in so much pain this week that he literally typed, “Guys, I can’t even text a response to your question.”

He was in so much pain that, when he was hopping from tree-to-tree, on one foot, for half a block, trying to get to his Mom’s house.. he had to pop a squat on a neighbor’s porch to rest for 15 minutes.

And, be certain, from the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “This was NOT one of those fun hops.”

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu legend & all around badass, Rener Gracie joined us live! Here’s the highlights:

We learned that Rener hooked Abe up with a subscription to GracieUniversity.com. So, look out everyone! As soon as this guy’s foot heals up, he’s gonna be a trained killing machine.

If Abe blew Rener any harder, he’d have to tap out. Seriously! He called his family the Kennedy’s of MMA. Then he asked him if having the Gracie last name has helped him get out of a lot of situations with the cops? Completely oblivious to the fact that most people aren’t like Abe Kanan and always needing to get out of “a situation.”

Abe told Rener that he NEEDS to talk to the President of the United States to get Jiu-Jitsu implemented in public school curriculum. Because that’s how it works, Abe. Obama takes meetings with Jiu-Jitsu instructors about education planning.

Everyone congratulated Rener on his recent engagement to WWE Diva Eve Torres. Everyone but me. I informed this chump that Eve & I were destined to be together, before challenging him to a fight for her hand. I even let him pick the fighting style.

And finally, Rener is giving Abe Kanan Show listeners free access to their first 6 Jiu-Jitsu lessons atGracieUniversity.com. So, that’s nice.

We talked about this week’s Vice Presidential Debate between Joe Biden and his close, personal pal — his best friend, really — Paul Ryan. They’re tight friends, ya know?

Abe tweeted a photo of Paul Ryan in which a Nickelback poster is clearly visible on the wall behind him. Until Sam & I corrected him, Abe actually thought that picture was taken in Paul Ryan’s bedroom! That’s not a joke.

Abe then shared a real catch 22 with us. See, he signed up for Obama’s mailing list because he loves showing people that he gets emails from Barack Obama. But on the other hand, he’s tired of Obama reminding him that he has yet to donate to the campaign. So, he’s not real sure what to do.

Howard & Valincia from the cast of “Chicagolicious” joined us live in-studio. The 2nd season premieres this Tuesday on Style. The highlights:

We talked a lot about taking care of yourself. Ya know, cleanliness. And FINALLY, for the first time in the history of the Abe Kanan Show, I was vindicated for having the hair & body care regimen of a female! As Howard, the lead barber at AJ’s Salon said, it is a MUST that men tone, moisturize and exfoliate. Ya hear that, you cavemen? I’m a real man!

Oh, and Abe — if you’re gonna dismiss that hard truth and still call me a homo because “Howard doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” then I guess you’ll also dismiss the fact that he said your hair was on point? Can’t have it both ways, pal.

His co-star & co-worker, Valincia even agreed that Abe’s hair is “on point.” She’s the lead stylist and, after we found out that it costs $95 to just sit down in her chair, none of us will likely be seeing her in the near future.

Although, I could tell that she was hoping to see me outside of the salon for a different type of appointment. If ya know what I mean. She even kissed me on her way out. But, sweet Val.. it’s too bad that I also charge $95 just to sit down in my chair.

Oh, and Abe also asked Howard if he’s had a prostate exam. But instead of saying those actual words, I believe Abe called it a “woo too” while jamming 2 fingers into the air. That was nice, Abe.

Finally, if you’ve learned anything from today’s show, please take away this lesson about prostate exams: it is an absolute necessity to wash your butthole before the doctor penetrates you.

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