We kicked off the show with Abe’s recollection of the year 2000, in which Sam Kanan first fell in love with NSync’s Joey Fatone. So much so, that Sam decided to start looking like him. Of course, Sam denied the charge, but the Quotebook never lies. Sam — your own words, sir: “I didn’t grow a beard just to be Joey Fatone.”
Abe re-launched his war on cheesy wedding dates. Remember last year? We did a 3-hour special on douchebags tying the knot on 11/11/11. Well, we’re about a month & a half out from 12/12/12 and Abe “the Bull” is already pissed off about it.
Headline: Abe Kanan was cruising Pinterest
Say, was that before or after you bought your new (used) dishwasher on Craigslist? Will he ever learn? Every one of this guy’s Craigslist “pickup” meetings has resulted in some variation of horror. Including this one! Which apparently went down at “the last house on the left.” A 500-pound gimp in a onesie on a wheeling stool sold Abe a $100 dishwasher, which he demonstrated using his reachable grabber.
Which begs the question — why does Abe even need a dishwasher? He eats every meal off of a paper bag!
I give you the following entry into the Abe Kanan Quotebook with zero context: “Put on this moose outfit and come bang me.”
Abe’s next business venture? Selling broken items on Craigslist and pouring oil all over his floor so that people slip and break the item, leaving them unable to demand a refund. “Hey it was working before you fell!?” I mean, seriously, who thinks like that? Can you tell that Abe’s battled financial problems?
We found out that, in high school, Abe was such a badass that he & his group of minions terrorized their teachers by — get this — inching their desks forward during class. Ooooh! What a rebel. He’s like Vinny Barbarino leading the Sweathogs in Mr. Kotter’s classroom.
We moved on to Halloween & mentioned that we’re all dressing up for next Saturday’s show. Bass was still undecided on a costume, so we determined that his best play is to go as Bill from the board game “Guess Who.”
In Abe’s version of the Hulk Hogan sex tape, the Hulkster vomits pulled pork all over his partner, brother. Duuude.
Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I shower so much that my skin no longer accepts lotion.”
We got into talk of our friend Roker who listed the following people as his best friends on Twitter:
- Carlos Mencia
- Dana White
- Mary Carey
- Dennis Hof
So, we called him to find out how 2 seemingly normal guys ended up on a list with a famous comedian, the President of the UFC, a semi-retired porn star & the owner of a whore house.
I’ll tell ya.. I’ve known Roker for 12 years and admit that I felt a little slighted that I didn’t make his esteemed list. Then I remembered what my Dad told me when I was 5. He said, “Ry Guy, whatever you do in life, don’t ever, under any circumstance, end up on a list with Dennis Hof.” So, yeah, I’m cool with the omission.
We also learned that Dennis Hof made the list because he flies Roker out to the Bunny Ranch every 6 months. Trips which always “maaaagicaly” align with some tragedy in wife’s life. Last time, his wife was suffering a Gran Mal seizure while Roker was peeling “Air Force Amy” off his goatee.
I’m not sure that Abe even remembers saying this, but he’s apparently having a party of one tonight — himself — and a few bottles of Rumchata.
The War on Drugs has shifted to the War on Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. They’re being banned in schools across the country because researchers have found them to be as addictive as cocaine. It took one girl 3 months to quit. In fact, our very own Abe Kanan was once an addict. Quitting wasn’t as difficult for Abe, but it was painful. And I quote, “After eating a bag, I took a piss. And the red powder on my fingers… it burned when I grabbed the Abeaconda.”
And finally, we touched on Sandeep Singh – the really nice Indian dude from Boston who won $30 million, ONE DAY after his girlfriend broke up with him. What you didn’t read is that Sandeep learned that his girl had left him after seeing Hulk Hogan plow his girl on a grainy tape.