Saturday, October 27, 2012

We kicked off the Halloween edition of The Abe Kanan  Show with a rundown of each of our costumes:

  • Sam Kanan, who spent 6 years of his life  making people call him Joey Fatone, has reprised his role at the former NSync fatty.
  • Bass is straight out tha’ Guess Who box and has become a life-sized version of Bill from the popular Hasbro guessing game.
  • You might see me and say, “Who are you supposed to be? A douchebag bar owner?” Look closer and you’ll see that I’m douchebag chef. Guy Fieri, in fact. Which reminds me.. I need to de-bling.
  • And Abe is a spot-on Elvis Presley. And not handsome “Blue Hawaii” Elvis. No, is late-in-life “Comeback Special,” opiates-for-breakfast Elvis.

We learned that when Bass was a little Bass, he always wanted to be normal things for Halloween. You know.. firefighter, policeman, astronaut. But his father (the clown) met him in the middle. Which explains why he was the only kid in America to be a Clown Cop, Clown Zombie and Bass, I hate break it to ya, but there’s no such thing as Clown Spider-Man.

From young Bass to young Sam, who, we learned, found loopholes in his elementary school’s attendance policy; to the point where he took 25 “personal days” a year. Halloween was one of them.

But the day AFTER Halloween? Well, that was like Black Friday for Sam Kanan. He sold his Halloween candy in the hallways!

Mrs. Kanan joined us live on the phone to voice displeasure over Abe’s constant mentions of Elvis being “the most notorious pedophile in American history.”

Oh, this week’s first entry into the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I was at my Mom’s house last night, so she could sew my rhinestones on.”

Querstion: Is there a worse delivery to show up at your front door than an already-full coffin? Nope.

We discussed Abe’s belief that once a book enters a bathroom…. it is ruined for life.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “You know how, when you’re in the bathroom taking a dump and it goes up?” No, Abe. No we don’t know. You’re doing it wrong.

Naturally, that led into Abe wondering how he’s going to drop a deuce in this tight, white sequined spandex 1-piece jumper. Good luck, pal.

Sam told us about a recent night at Abe’s new apartment. A few highlights:

  • Abe lives on a floor that looks like the post-apocalyptic “survivor” floor from “Night of the Living Dead.”
  • Abe treated Sam to dinner at his favorite restaurant. It’s one of those popular themed joints, too. This one just so happens to look like a halfway house cafeteria being run by by the cast of “Lockup: Raw.”
  • It IS possible, folks! Abe admitted to being grossed out by the amount of mayo used on his burger. His mayo threshold? 4 inches!

We heard Stephen A. Smith saying the “N” word on live TV. A word that he denied using. Abe — what’d you think of his apology again? (“N” word, pleeeease!)

We learned that Bass picked up yet another side gig — which explains why he’s been walking around wearing a DePaul Blue Demons polo for the past 3 weeks. He’s the backup PA announcer for the DePaul JV Women’s Soccer Club. Keep makin’ that paper, Bass! Oh, and you better believe his business cards say that he’s the DePaul Athletic Director.

Matthew McConaughey joined us live to promote the release of Magic Mike on Blu Ray, DVD and, for Mitt Romney’s favorite 47%, on VHS.

Also — Matt had an exclusive offer for Abe Kanan Show listeners: if you go into Target within the next 10 mintutes to pick up “Magic Mike” and tell the cashier that you’re a homosexual.. they’ll throw in a tube of men’s personal lubricant for free.

We were joined by Survivorman, Les Stroud. Who is a close second behind Rener Gracie for “deepest down Abe’s throat.”

A few entries into the Abe Kanan quote book from this interview:

  • “I’ve noticed you’re not getting naked as much. Why is that?”

followed by…

  • “Are you a single guy?”

Oh, and we can’t forget…

  • “He’s a cool looking guy. If I were a chick, I’d want to hang out with him.”

And finally, before we let him go, Abe compared his recent mild ankle sprain to Les’ 10-day survival adventures. Les, who calls being chased by a jaguar thru the Amazon, “a good day” had to listen to Abe tell him about the time he hurt his foot and hopped on 1 leg to his Mom’s house to pick up a prescription boot and some Tylenol 3’s.

Happy Halloween!

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