Saturday, September 01, 2012

We kicked things off with Abe’s final explanation of the phrase “coooo.” It’s from “White Men Can’t Jump.” So stop asking him. And get off his lawn. Crabby ass muffffhugger.

Also – thanks to the Miami Herald for featuring the Abe Kanan Show on their front page today! They were the first paper in the country to pick up our campaign to get Ric Flair in the Hangover 3. Todd Phillips… your move, pal.

Another congrats to Bass on his recent engagement. I know all the women of honor are on the verge of cutting after hearing this. It’s okay, ladies. Just take the disappointment out on your vibrators tonight.

Abe welcomed us to his premature victory celebration, following his picks in last night’s Fantasy Draft. With the 9th pick, I must say.. he assembled a Pro Bowl-esque squad. But as Sam pointed out.. Abe, as he does, will find a way to fuck it up.

Helping Abe was the fact that 2 “retards” – his words – joined the league this year. Bass and our buddy Sludge. Bass drafted Tom Coughlin 15 times and based on Sludge’s picks, he let Rocky Dennis’ blind girlfriend draft for him. There’s no other explanation for taking Andrew Luck in the first round.

From the Sludge quotebook: “Commissioners of fantasy leagues are like security guards at rock concerts.”

We learned that as kids, a 9-year old Sam Kanan extorted Abe & their friends by charging membership dues to a group called The Superfans. They sat around and said “Da Bears” for 20 minutes and Sam made money hand over fist… which he spent on iced tea.

Uncle Joe Biden returned to the Abe Kanan show – that crazy old bastard shotgunned Mike’s Hard Lemonade, cranked Linkin Park while playing bags then passed out on Malia’s bottom bunk.

We debuted a new song – a world premiere – from King Lawbreaker, called “Abe Kanan,” which sounded like it was recorded naked. At this rate Matthew McConahey is on his way to becoming the 5th member of the Abe Kanan Show.

Douchebag Power Rankings

  1. Heat Seaker: Jay-Z for acting like he owns the Nets, when it was discovered that only owns 1.5% of the team. And this is coming from Abe Kanan who owns a Dell Laptop, a toaster and a 1992 Grand Prix.
  2. Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil for being a whiny little bitch and treating parking lot attendants like shit. More importantly, however, we learned that Abe & Sam are actually going to SEE the Crue this Friday. And they’re wearing Crue t-shirts. And going to try to hook up with Tommy Lee.
  3. PENN State for banning Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” at football games this year. They’re also re-naming TOUCHdowns, tight ends and wide receivers.
  4. Kim Kardashian for comparing her rise to fame to hip-hop. Because people don’t really understand things when they’re new.
    We actually traced Kim’s rise to fame, and like a cord to the outlet, it leads right back to Ray-J’s dick. This whore turned drinking cum into drinking fancy champagne. Also – we got our hands on a Kardashian family check – instead of a signature.. it’s a rubber stamp of Ray-J’s dickhead.
    Last thing on that, an entry into the Abe Kanan quotebook: “Ray-J has the most important penis in the history of the United States of America.”
  5. Rihanna for crying to Oprah about how much she still loves Chris Brown.
  6. Hoopz. The skank from Flava of Love that Shaq rescued from obscurity and starting dating.. the moment shit went sideways, she climbed to the top of the Hollywood Hills and shouted below to the valley that Shaquille O’Neil has a small dick. Proving that women will pull the tiny dick card any time they can.

We learned that Sam’s favorite food is a “smut burger” which Abe describes as a mix of pelican feathers and duck squaddle.

Also, Abe announced that he’s running for President with Ric Flair as his running mate in 2016. His platform – abortion clinics on every corner and gays getting married on the front lawn of the White House. And their campaign tag will be “Wooooo!”

NFL veteran Anthony Adams joined us LIVE to hype his new career as a rapper. He’s currently working on his new record – “Free Agent Christmas.” An interview that Philthy Gumz took great exception with. Philthy called in to battle rap Anthony, and Adams took him out with a simple “ABC, 123 and the rhythm of the broccoli beef.” Thanks for playing, Mr. Gumz.

Oh, and Adams is a PENN State alum – he toasted to Sandusky rotting away in prison, gargling ol’ Crazy Eyes balls in the laundry room.

Finally, Jay the Gay’s homework for next week is to come up with names for Sam & Bass’ cocks.

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