Saturday, September 08, 2012

Abe & Sam started the show with a review of last night’s KISS & Crue show.

Turns out Sam is NOT a man of his word. For weeks, on this show, he steadfastly said that he was waiting in the parking lot until Motley Crue was finished. Cut to last night.. and according to Abe, Sam fought his way up to the pit & handed Vince Neil a rose during Kickstart My Heart.

Tommy Lee talked like a black guy for 20 minutes, completely ignorant to the fact that the bulk of his audience is completely ignorant and hates blacks.

Also – Abe pointed out that Tommy Lee is starting to look almost exactly like Dr. Oz.

Oh, and Mick Mars looks like Mike TV after he got hit with the laser.

I have a possum living in my garage. He’s currently trapped in 2 recycling bins and I have no idea how to handle him.. but stew is the front runner.

We learned that Bass is abandoning Kobe, his cat of 12 years now that he’s getting married because Jill is allergic to cats. Who’d have ever thought that Bass is in the position to give up 1 pussy for another.

We talked about the 2-headed Monster, Abby & Brittany.. from the TLC show called “Abby & Brittany Ride a Bike.”

We’re not sure which one is which, but the hot one’s the one on stage right.

That actually came from Duke in North Carolina, who was anointed the squad leader of conjoined twins.

Tons of queRstions about this, naturally. Among them, which one are you actually sleeping with if you fornicate? And.. does it count as a 3-some or just a 2.5-some.

We envisioned Sam & Abe as conjoined twins — and aside from being the world’s biggest asshole, they would be in a constant state of conflict. For instance, and this is according to Abe.. when Abe wants to watch the Bears game, Sam (who controls the legs) would, instead, take them to the Art Musuem to see the Vivard Exhibit: Paper Mache Marvels of the 20th Century.

Here’s one from the Abe Kanan quote book.. and a comment that, quite frankly, I’m appalled was just glossed over. When talking about using the bathroom, Abe said, “a lot of times, it hurts.” You’re doing it wrong, Abe.

Jay the Gay joined us to share the results of last week’s homework assignment: come up with names for Sam & Bass’ dongs.

Going forward, Sam’s is now known as The Triforce. A Legend of Zelda reference..

And a quick sidebar: HUGE congrats to Abe Kanan for being the first in his neighborhood to beat Legend of Zelda. It’s really good to see that Abe has progressed beyond being an 8-year old fat ass.

Bass’ cock is now the BOOM stick! Which is oddly named, considering most times.. women assume it’s a dud.

Mine – although I didn’t ask for it – is the Manno Mangler.

Best Bet of the Week recap – Abe likes the Saints -7 over the Skins.

We touched on a TRUE story that Bass shared with us this week about a guy stopping him on the street & telling him to quote “man up” before the stranger slipped into a gay bar. Which, we’ve since discovered has actually been closed since 2008.

The devil’s in the details though.. just like the time the black guy almost assaulted Bass when he overheard him mention that he’d like to visit the monkey house.

Turns out.. we all had crazy weeks. Because Abe, Sam & I all shared true stories that happened to us. I’ll spare you the specifics, but all you need to know is that they involved a 4-way with Jessica Biel, Mila Kunis & Eve Torres while Paul Stanley filmed it in a booth at Red Lobster.

We were joined by Scott McKenzie.. author of the new book “Power Chord.” It’s basically his quest around the world to meet his own personal rock gods. Available on Amazon.

A few takeaways:

  • Backstage passes aren’t as cool as you think they are.
  • Your favorite rockstars have most likely traded heroin & whores for protein shakes and playpens.
  • Eddie van Halen used to live in a commune with clowns & dwarves.
  • And KISS is significantly less cool when you hear them order the “Moons Over My Hammy.”

Finally — another feather in the cap of Ray-J’s “Magic Stick.” The most influential cock in the country. Khloe Kardashian is now a frontrunner to host “The X Factor.” Incredible what one man’s pecker and a handheld camcorder can do.

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