ON HOLD EPISODE

Saturday, September 15, 2012

We kicked off the show commenting on our show’s most recent intro. And, based on the fact that our friends back in New York combed hours and hours of archived Abe Kanan Show audio.. and the best representation of Bass was him saying the word “alright…” It’s led us to realize that everyone back at Sirius thinks Bass is literally retarded.

Couple that with the fact that Tim Sabean was talking to Abe this week, and said that Bass has a “heart of gold.” Ask yourselves this question — how many times have you seen a challenged individual, struggling to lick their own nose while yelling something about “cotton candy..” and what did you say? “Oh honey, look.. he has a heart of gold.” 10 times out of 10. From here on out, the term “heart of gold” means mentally retarded.

But, as our host pointed out in this entry into the Abe Kanan quotebook: “Bass. Is. Not. Retarded.”

And to prove that point, Abe scoured the web and uncovered one of Bass’ old podcasts. Hosted by Bass and brilliantly titled “When the Levy Breaks.” See, because his name is Dan Levy. I’m just hoping Abe doesn’t find one of my old podcasts titled, “Man Oh, Man!”

Also worth noting — “When the Levy Breaks” was a production of Levy Media. Which is about as official as when 1st grader draws a UPC symbol on the back of a Mother’s Day card.

The status of Levy Media is unclear, but that’s because they were bought up by Bain Capital.

After we heard Bass’ old show intro — which was so unfocused that it sounded like it was produced by Tweak from South Park — Bass.. or.. I’m sorry, “The Big Man,” Dan Levy treated us to an impromptu version of “When the Levy Breaks.”

He was given a 3 minute window to shine and used a whole 26 seconds.

He ranted about a college professor breastfeeding during a lecture and how that was as natural as when he gets his period. None of us are really sure.

Regardless, he was very pleased with his performance. And, as he put it, he really “boiled it down to a very sharp point.” Then, we talked about our nonstop iMessage conversation that happens during the week, and how we all love being the first to “break news” to the group.

The highlights:

  • Sam lives in an actual newsroom.
  • Bass is somehow getting his news 2-3 weeks late. The last time he relayed timely info was Donna Summer’s death on May 17th.
  • Abe is too overwhelmed because it involves actual reading. Unless it involves moving images and sound, he’s out.

We were joined live by Jesse “The Governing Body” Ventura. A real honor. The highlights:

  • He threatened to kill Sean Hannity in his sleep.
  • He has never used a computer or cell phone.
  • According to Jesse’s friend Ric Flair, the only skeletons in Ric’s closet are 140 speeding tickets. The same Ric Flair who struts around Vegas casinos, hammered, at 4 AM naked under a sequined and feathered robe.
  • He announced his intention to run for President in 2016, provided all 50 states can get him on the ballot.

We got into iPhone 5 talk. Abe is eager to get it for 2 reasons:

  1. Improved battery life. But he’s not considering that “improved battery life” doesn’t apply to a guy who showers with his phone in a zip lock bag to continue watching Iron Shiek promos from the 80s.
  2. Face Time over 3G. Abe is the only person I know, aside from men traveling on business who want to see their daughter before she goes to bed and he calls the hooker.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Sam is the biggest degenerate gambler in this room.” That was in reference to Sam’s stock interests, coming from a guy who is watching his 7-team parlay in women’s high school golf.

Sam presented Abe’s Non-Factual Observations, a new segment here on the show. While there’s many to choose from, here are 2 of Abe’s brilliant observations this last week:

  1. All perverts over 40 love Asians.
  2. All nerdy girls love Indian dudes.

Don’t believe him? Ask him for proof and he’ll just re-phrase the opinion.

Final entry in the AK Quotebook. Makin’ friends! – “Bud Selig is the King P****y.”

Abe paid up on last week’s bet with Sam. $200. Cut to Tuesday when Abe asks Sam if can borrow $200.

This week, though, Abe is going double or nothing on the Best Bet of the Week: take the Cowboys minus 3 against Seattle.

Fat Joe is a regular knight in shining armor. In his new song, he says his love for his lady is SO strong that he’s pledging to wear rubbers when he hits his “other hoes.” That’s love.

And finally.. Abe has a joke he’s been dying to tell all show.

Abe: “Hey Ryan, are you going to the BBQ?”
Ryan: “What BBQ?”
Abe: “The one where I rub my meat all over yo’ griiillll.”

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