ON HOLD EPISODE

Saturday, September 22, 2012

We kicked off the show with a warm welcome to the 600 members of the media — who descended on our humble studio from all reaches of the globe — to be part of the highly-anticipated Best Bet of the Week press conference. Which, I’ll add, was being held because Abe started the NFL regular season at 0-2.

The Best Bet of the Week, according to Abe, is “the most popular gambling segment in radio history.” Much the same way Hitler was the most popular German leader.

When Abe reflected on its genesis, he said “it took the nation by storm.” Our buddy Sludge — who joined us live to witness the press conference — agreed with Abe. It did take the nation by storm… if the storm was Hurricane Katrina.

Here’s a keeper from the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “My heart is just too big…” At first, I thought that comment was just more Abe Kanan delusion. But then I realized that he’s probably right. It’s literally enlarged from trying to keep up with all the mayo-soaked processed garbage that he survives on. If you gave a raccoon a jar of Hellman’s, he & Abe would have the exact same diet.

Ultimately, the top headline to come from the Best Bet of the Week press conference is that Abe is tired of carrying everyone on his shoulders and he’s “going into business for himself.” Read that as: I no longer want to be held accountable & read your angry tweets when I cost you thousands of dollars. So, from this day forward.. the Best Bet of the Week will be hosted by Sam Kanan – who started the season at 2-0 — while Abe just does “Abe’s Bet of the Week.” Just a guy telling you about a bet he’s making.

Our good friend Vin Armani from “Gigolos” showed up in-studio, completely out of the blue, to surprise us! He’s here on “business.” Which, when Vin says it, means something a  WHOLE lot different than when you say it.

From the Vin Armani Quotebook: “The opposite of confidence is creepy.” That’s actually a whole lot deeper than it sounds on the surface. Spend time thinking about that one. Especially if you’re someone who has ever asked a woman for permission to do something during sex.

Which brings me to this new Abe Kanan Show rule of thumb: If you have to ask… that means it’s something that most people would find repulsive and you’re a weirdo. Perverts ask. Gigolos do.

Also, we learned that if you keep a spare blazer and fake mustache in your trunk “in case of emergency,” you’re most likely a pervert.

We invented a new sex toy for women. And, instead of a remote control, like the one Vin has.. the control is actually a Dance, Dance Revolution pad. Patent pending.

Our always-electric entertainment reporter, Danny Gaga joined us on the phone to discuss the fact that he went from an iPhone to a BlackBerry.

It was less of a discussion and more of a verbal beatdown. We don’t actually have any of the details, but in our minds.. he’s got the first BlackBerry ever made. It’s got a sepia colored screen, a stylus, a broken track ball and he checks his email thru Prodigy.

Whatever the case, Gaga was SO embarrassed by the switch, that he actually changed his email signature on the BlackBerry so that it still reads “Sent from my iPhone.”

Quick sidenote — Danny Gaga talking to Vin Armani is something that should never happen ever.

Abe told us that he wants to die broke. Well, buddy.. so far so good! Keep this pace!

From the Abe Kanan Quotebook — and this is really some telling insight into where Abe’s priorities lie — “Sam, when you die, I’m going to come over wearing metal cleats and tear up your bamboo floor.”

We discovered that Braceland is a real place. So, for everyone who’s always wanted to combine Elvis and a trip to the orthodontist.. you’re in luck!

Also in the works? Bassland. It’s just Bass sitting in an old folding chair dressed as Elvis. Admission? Only $89.99 + tax.

Theo Rossi, “Juice” from Sons of Anarchy, joined us live. There’s something really depressing about hearing “Juice” say he can’t have real tattoos because his Mom would hate it.

Theo’s taking Jon Jones tonight. I think Abe said he was too.. but we all know how that works out. So, be careful.

From the Abe Kanan Quotebook — and I’m not giving you ANY context here, just the quote — “I’m not a real man.”

And finally — Dino & Marty from the Lovehammers joined us in-studio. We premiered a track from their new album “Set Fire” — out November 20th.

They’re opening for Slash at the Riv in Chicago on September 28th — which is just the first leg of their ex-GNR members world tour.

Up in the winter? Opening for Duff McKagan’s Loaded. And then next Spring, they’re out with Adler’s Appetite. No, not really.

Milfs and non-milfs alike are encouraged to hit lovehammers.com for more info.

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