ON HOLD EPISODE

Saturday, September 29, 2012

We kicked off the show with another major announcement regarding the Best Bet of the Week: Abe showed rare emotion and said that watching Sam run the BBOTW was like seeing an ex-girlfriend wearing Doug Simpson’s letterman’s jacket.

And in standard Abe Kanan fashion, he found a way to weasel out of reality, change the rules and resume his role as “rightful” owner of the Best Bet. His official ruling? The NFL’s replacement refs didn’t count, thereby expunging his losses, resetting Week 4 back to Week 1, which gives him a 0-0 record.

So, you know the drill — put your 401K on the Detroit Lions minus 4 vs. the Minnesota Vikings.

Sam got the iPhone 5 this morning and has already turned into a smug prick. He wouldn’t even let Abe hold it! Sam, you traded up for an extra half-inch, huh? Let’s hope Rachel doesn’t do the same!

We talked about Bass’ observance of Yom Kippur. The worst Jew in the history of the religion actually decided to fast this week!

But make no mistake — until the very last nanosecond before sundown, he was stuffing his face with as many plates as possible, at a restaurant whose name literally translates into “meat storm.”

Here’s one from the Bass Quotebook: “I was taking down as much meat as I could for 2 hours.”

Bass informed us about going to temple on Yom Kippur. Apparently, God wants everyone to come in their Sunday worst as a sign of humility; mowing shoes, torn jeans and definitely NO designer clothes. Given that Bass just buys whatever the mannequin at Kohl’s is wearing, he was all set.

Abe talked about moving this week — he got a new crib! Only, he found it AND signed the lease in under 8 hours, because it was “a once-in-a-lifetime deal.” So, the impulsive way that you bought the treadmill from the garage sale? That’s how Abe buys his living quarters.

In Abe’s defense, it is a really good deal. But that’s because his landlord is the old Asian guy who sold the Mogwai in Gremlins. And he’s pricing rent cheaper than an actual pair of tickets to see Rent.

Sadly, Abe dropped & shattered his “prized possession” when he was moving in. Which is actually sort of redundant, because it’s really just his possession. When you only own 3 things, the word “prized” isn’t needed.

He shattered a $2,000 granite-topped bar. Much to the dismay of the homeless skid sleeping in a nearby doorway. Abe, when a homeless guy sleeping on glass tells you that you screwed up.. it’s really time to re-evaluate some stuff.

We found out that Bass & his fiancée will be sleeping in separate bedrooms at their new place. Not sure if anyone caught this, but Bass said that his room has a microwave in it. God forbid he has to walk 30 feet into the kitchen to heat up that burrito.

Another one from the Bass quotebook: “My dad was not a clown. He was a ventriliquist. With his hand up a puppet.” Bass, after that defense, you might want to consider sticking with him being a clown.

Bass said that he prefers to have sex in the morning. I’ll wait a moment if you need to throw up…

I have to imagine that lifting the covers after a night of his sleep looks like dawn in the Everglades; a low-hanging mist, seaweed, pelicans.

“The Queen of Mean” Lisa Lampanelli joined us LIVE and it barely took her 90 seconds to say the following — and I quote — “Abe is a horrible person with no redeeming qualities that anyone would want in a human friend.” Good to know that she listens to the show.

She went on to insult Roger Ebert, Lou Ferigno, Conan O’Brien, Lady Gaga, Clay Aiken and Kanye West because — her words – “he’s not a real black because he doesn’t tap dance.”

Moonlight Bunny Ranch owner Dennis Hof took a few minutes out his busy schedule of passing around leathery whores to call in and promote his new business venture — Alien Cat House. Where nerdy fans of Battlestar Galactica can pay to sleep with skanks dressed as Agathon and Number 6.

We talked about Ke$ha’s revelation this week that she had sex with a ghost. I realized that’s the only way you can have sex with Ke$ha and not get an STD — to already be dead. Plus, I’m not convinced that the writer just didn’t misspell goat.

Abe, as he does, pitched Dennis on some new business ventures. He asked him to partner on some recently registered domain names — girlsonallfours.com and girlsrunningontreadmills.com. These are web addresses that Abe actually paid for. He’s like a walking pawn shop; he buys these ridiculous domain names and then tries to unload them at a profit. When Dennis Hof is your target business partner.. maybe that homeless guy was right.

Dennis told us about his day-to-day schedule.. it goes something like this: breakfast, lay by the pool, have sex, dinner, drinks, girl-on-girl sex fest. Rinse. Repeat.

So, that spawned this final entry into the Abe Kanan Quotebook — “You’re like Hugh Hefner. Only you’re really banging these girls and not watching “Gone with the Wind” on VHS while one of them maaaybe licks the tip.”

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