We kicked off the show with a tearful sermon from Abe; a funeral, with words of comfort aimed at consoling our brother, Bass. It’s been a tough week for him filled with grieving. Over the unexpected death of his best friend….. the Hostess Twinkie.
We talked more about Hostess closing their doors after 82 years. If you want to understand how it works.. for 79 years, they were making an UNHOLY ASSLOAD of money. But, in the last 3 years, they were only making a TON of money. And, obviously, that is NOT acceptable.
As our producer Briton “Stiletto” Callan pointed out, there are more chemicals in a Twinkie than the plastic wrapper in which it arrives. We found your new snack, Bass.
We got into Jay-Z’s 99 Problems.. one of whom is Robert De Niro. At Leonardo DiCaprio’s birthday party, De Niro verbally checked Jay-Z because Jay didn’t call him back after Bobby D left him 6 voicemails.
Yes, it is rude that Jay-Z didn’t call him back. But what does it say about De Niro that he was acting like a scorned, p-whipped & lost little puppy? Seriously, when did Vito Corleone turn into Ross from Friends?
Sam rushed to Jay-Z’s defense, saying that Jay isn’t “good with phones.” Or that he has a Boost pre-paid and ran out of minutes.
Here’s one from the Bass Quotebook. And please know that there wasn’t an ounce of “joking” in this statement: “Kim Kardashian is actually pretty busy.”
In an unexpected turn, Abe mindlessly ranted against the Royal Family. AGAIN. He was beside himself that Sam & I told him to stop caring so much about them. So, naturally, Abe enacted some strange fantasy about me & Sam kneeling for all the Queen’s men.. while Abe plowed Pippa in the Palace “Tea Room.”
In Abe’s defense, he was a little aggressive today for valid reason. He did go thru a rough breakup this week. His hero. His workout partner. The father he never had. Hulk Hogan… blocked him on Twitter! It’s truly as if Hogan dropped a leg on Abe’s heart.
We talked about the reason we’re on Sunday instead of Saturday. Yesterday, Abe stood up in his friend Phil’s wedding. In classic Abe fashion, he called Phil on the air, hours after the happiest day of his life, and called his first dance “the gayest thing he’s ever seen.” What a friend!
Keep in mind — that comment came from the same Abe Kanan who introduced Phil, quote, “This is Phil… a real manly man.”
Abe then talked about how great last night was, because he met “the coolest priest in the whole wide world.” Father Malcom. A man soooo cooool that he actually makes Abe want to start going back to church. And what makes Father Malcom so awesome? He slapped Phil during the wedding and told everyone about a his parishioner’s deeply personal confessions.
We revisited Bass’ awesome wedding announcement demo. It really is good, Bass! It deserves a round of an applause. Ladies & gentlemen, Bass will announce at your wedding for free.. just so long as he can hang a Levy Media sign on the head table during dinner.
Good luck to Phil & his new bride, who knowingly had Abe stand up in their wedding; despite the fact that every time Abe has stood up in a wedding.. it’s ended in divorce. 6 and counting!
But at least Abe cornered Phil last night and made him explain where he stands in relation to the rest of the groomsmen. Ya know, where does he rank on the “friend list?” Abe is the only adult male I know who treats friendships like the BCS standings.
Sam, also friends with Phil, wasn’t at the wedding. Why? Because had to oversee his staff of vagabond kids, paid to wait in line to buy Sam a dozen Wii U consoles. 11 of which are already listed on eBay… for the same price as a box of Twinkies.
Sammy Warbucks isn’t entirely greedy, folks. He did buy bowls of warm porridge for Oliver Twist and the rest of his employees.
Here’s one from the Sam Kanan Quotebook, which may or may not have been taken out of context: “Yes Abe, I was at a rainbow party with a bunch of college kids, wearing purple lipstick.”
Our entertainment reporter Danny Gaga joined us live to talk about the reason he had multiple pagers in high school. Initially, he was trying to front like he had the pagers for his side action or for selling weed. Turns out, he got it from Sports Illustrated so he could get updates on the Bulls. What a stud! I mean, he could’ve at least acted like his 2nd pager was to snag from “stink finger.” Instead, he just wanted to see how many rebounds Bill Wennington had. Kid was born cool.
And finally, if anyone wants to page Bass — you can reach him at 299-STIF. That’s 299-STIF. One F.