ON HOLD EPISODE

Thursday, April 04, 2013

We tipped this bitch over with a deep cut from Slash’s Snakepit. So, for the thousands of you impatiently waiting on hold to ask who was responsible that fresh ass tune — Slash’s Snakepit.**

**Abe: I know you bleed GNR, but that sucked. I heard better vocals when I judged Cicero’s Got Talent. And Cicero doesn’t got talent.

On the bright side, Slash’s Snakepit led into some pretty hilarious talk of burnout roadies. In particular, their bizarre love affair with repeating the word “two” during sound check. As in, “One, two. Two. Two, two. Twooooo. Two. One, two.”

We mentioned that the monotony of repeating the word “two” is only temporary — just watch any long hair come alive when it’s time to check guitars. See them come alive at the chance to rip the opening four chords of Seek and Destroy to a packed house. Like Bass having sex, their moment doesn’t last long.. but it sure is a thing of beauty.

Alas, the lonely roadie is quickly reunited with his intense humility when the house sound guy interrupts his shred-fest with “ALRIGHT, BUDDY! That’s good. Let’s try those floor toms one more time, eh?”

Thanks a pantload to listener Don, who called to explain the sonic science behind using the word “two” when checking mic EQ in relation to venue acoustics. Don got even cockier, challenging us to round of some stupid game he made up called Guess the Frequency. Basically, we play a frequency and Don’s trained ear will tell us what it is. Unfortunately, the next frequency Don heard was the dial tone. Which, by the way, is 350 Hz and 440 Hz held steady at -13 dBm0/frequency. BOOM! Suck it, Donny!

Things took a far more respectful turn, as the room gave 8 thumbs way down at the news of today’s sad passing of Roger Ebert. He really was a class act until the end. Though, I’m hoping his Last Will and Testament contains one final Rob Schneider burn.

While many listeners regard Roger as America’s most legendary film critic, we discussed his status ‘round these parts. Dude was a true Chicago icon. And there aren’t many left. As Abe pointed out, aside from athletes, Chicago has a pretty sorry selection of celebrity residents — and now, with Roger’s death, our star power is extra thin, with a ragtag bench. So, like any hungry agent, Abe used the dialogue as an opportunity to invite some new blood to come over from New York or LA. In fact, we all came to the unanimous conclusion that, even lesser known B-listers, can pretty much own this city if they commit.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Jim from The Office. What’s his name? John Krasinski. If you’re listening, move to Chicago. I promise that you will live like a king here.”

Abe stumbled upon the accidental (and awesome) realization that Bass’ brain is similar to a half-shaken Etch A Sketch. Picture yourself holding one while I explain — after your excitement over a cool sketch has faded, you shake that red frame to clear the powder, leaving a faint trace of your previous work. Bass works just like that. By the time we’re onto the next topic (drawing), he’s still covered in all that leftover powder from the prior conversation (drawing). Which sorta explains why, when Bass sees me in a green sweatshirt.. until I take it off, his dusty brain is thinking “Kermit the Frog” on an endless loop. Interesting theory here, Sir Abe.

We got into a discussion of final tweets. As in, if one of us died tonight.. what would our most recent (and final) post say about us? In Abe’s case, he was excited about naming someone the Squad Leader of Eating Human Excrement. Whereas Sam shared an unmemorable Daniel LaRusso quote from The Karate Kid Director’s Cut. So, I’m thinking there’s gotta be a happy medium.

The whole talk encouraged Abe, in his infinite quest to find every shortcut imaginable, to send the exact same inspirational tweet every night before bed.. ya know, on the chance that his heart finally says “screw this.” But, assuming he wakes up, he’ll start the day at negative integrity by instantly deleting the tweet and swiftly resume calling Heather Mills an asshole or posting pictures of fat people struggling at the gym.

Scoring at home? During that morbid discussion, Abe did offer up October 15th as a hypothetical death day. He didn’t say what year, but to the four of you tweeting Tim Sabean telling him to fire us and put you on instead.. six months is the soonest possible start date. Be ready.

Sam pointed out that, whenever someone starts a sentence with, “I don’t mean for this to come off as an insult,” you are seconds away from being deeply insulted.

For the first and last time, Abe Kanan was somehow compared to Alfred Nobel — Swedish engineer, renowned chemist and creator of the Nobel Peace Prize. Please, I’m practically begging at this point.. can’t someone, just once, call in and tell Abe that he sounds a lot like Alf or Dennis Haskins. Nobel? Who are you people?

Abe Kanan Quotebook (and I hope Alfred Nobel is taking notes here): “You either die on top or you go out with a really strong tweet.”

We slipped into sports and led off with the fact that, at 32 years of age, my family still thinks I’m over the moon for the Manno Family Cubs Opening Day Extravaganza. I haven’t cared since Sosa came over, but now I’m in too deep. This year, my Dad even invited Abe to the shindig!? Not only did Abe not show up, he decided to use tonight’s show (3 days later) as his way of telling my Dad he wouldn’t make it. Then demanded I thank him for not playing my dad’s embarrassing voicemail on the air. You’re a special friend, Kanan.

We learned that Abe loves (LOVES) liver páte. If you ever want to bring food up to the station, but can’t settle on a real Abe-pleaser — you can’t miss with a nice, soggy liver páte.

The Prince of Páte went on to share a few Illuminati-level secrets tonight.. some real classified info here:

  1. Fans of Panda Express — if seven shovels of their fake orange chicken isn’t enough to fill your gut, you can milk ‘em for a precious eighth scoop by making firm eye contact with the small Asian woman and repeating the noise “mmmmmm.” She will smile at your pleasure and become, as Abe puts it, “hypnotized,” losing all sense of your portion size.
  2. Similar scenario at Subway, wherein you want and request extra mayo. As soon as the sandwich artist starts squirting, you look away at something, pretending to be distracted. Secretly, however you’re loving the amount he’s piling on. Then, when enough is enough, you act as if you’ve just snapped back to real-time saying something like, “Whoa, pal. I love mayo, but that’s ridiculous.” Abe explained that any time he can leave Subway with a mountain of mayo and without being judged as a slob.. “I win.”
  3. And finally — next time you go home, kick down your own door and call the cops. When they arrive, file a police report for $400,000 in missing jewelry. (Note: we’ve never actually done this, so you might want to wait and see if Chris Bosh gets away with it)

Congratulations to Bass, who closed today’s show learning that West Virginia is a real US state and not just a geographical location west of eastern Virginia. Now, shake that Etch A Sketch, champ, and get the slate all brushed off for tomorrow.

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