ON HOLD EPISODE

Thursday, April 11, 2013

We kicked this one off with yet another thrilling installment of Abe Kanan’s Workout Misadventures. It’s been a good while since we’ve heard about one of Abe’s gym disasters, so I was actually looking forward to hearing this..

You see, the Harlem Globetrotters, with whom Abe normally runs on the hardwood had a full squad (again), leaving no open room for the dreaded “Kanan Skyhook” to dominate this pick-up game. So after Abe finished his sideline Sodoku book (again), he moped his way to the front desk, where he pathetically asked about any upcoming classes that might benefit a man of his stature. The guy offered him Sexy Strip Yoga or Strength and Conditioning. Naturally, and thankfully, he opted for the latter — for our charismatic captain had miraculously stumbled into a dimly lit room of 57 women with 57 incredible asses. Indeed, he was the only male. Which meant that 114 attractive eyeballs were sizing him up for a little post-workout workout. The story picked up steam when Abe mentioned that, during the workout, “they all had to get on their knees.” To recap: Abe Kanan. 57 women. All on their knees.

“SOOO,” we all asked in unison, “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED??” May I drop dead if these weren’t the next words out of Abe’s mouth: “Well, my ass is just real sore today from doing a bunch of stuff I don’t normally do.”

Abe.. I’ll admit that I have never found myself in a room, alone, with 57 flexible women on their knees.. but, if “ass pain” is your only takeaway, I am 100% positive that you did it wrong.

All joking aside, Abe added a follow-up that painted him as quite the gentleman. He stayed after class and helped the ladies put their weights away. Well played, Romeo! Though, in my head, they were 6 pound dumbells and Abe was pulling the shirtless Ron Burgundy, “Oh, Miss Corningstone! I didn’t hear you come in!” routine.

We made special mention of the fact that today, April 11th, happens to be my 32nd birthday! Today — as in “not Tuesday,” like when it was Bass’ stupid birthday. Happy birthday, ME (and not Bass)! Abe and Sam.. you guys are still on for tonight, right? I’ve got the car service and the dames scheduled to be out front at 10:15 sharp.

Oh, on a better birthday note (and by “better,” I mean really, really pathetic), we learned something truly incredible about our electrifying entertainment reporter, Danny Gaga. Back when he was just a young entertainment reporter, Gagita would receive a birthday cake shaped like a sports jersey which featured a player whose number matched that year’s birthday. So, for instance, his 3rd birthday cake was a Babe Ruth jersey, 4th was Dimaggio, Mantle on his 5th and so on. He hit a regrettable rough patch when he turned eight and asked his parents for a Daryl Boston jersey cake!? Which, as lame as all this crap sounds, is actually insanely awesome after finding out that his parents are still giving him these requested jersey cakes at age 32. Dan, my advice to you is to never, and I mean never, break up with your girlfriend.

Abe Kanan Quotebook, on the trials of awkward adolescence: “Every 12-year-old kid is ugly as f—! You don’t ever want to be 12!”.

And, apparently, Sam Kanan didn’t wear 14 too well either. This is how Abe described his older brother at the age of 14: “Fat, disgusting, hair everywhere, wearing helmets & Zubaz. Pathetic.” Sam, I’m starting to get a little disappointed in the one-sided nature of these childhood descriptions. Until you start presenting the reality of a pre-pubescent Abe Kanan, he will continue to look more and more like Road House Patrick Swayzee compared to your Ghostbusters Rick Moranis. You gotta start coming strong!

The clownin’ came to end as Abe’s “most favorite UFC fighter in all the land,” Uriah Faber joined us live less than 48 hours ahead of Saturday’s Ultimate Fighter Finale fight at Mandalay Bay! I know that Abe is a truly passionate and knowlegable fan of the UFC. But I also feel like we’re approaching a new Dana White mandate that fighters can’t come on this show less than 7 days before a fight. Why?

The interview highlights:

Abe encouraged Uriah Faber to challenge Uriah Hall for the rights to the name Uriah.

Abe (admittedly) tried to start a feud between Uriah Faber, UFC Bantamweight, and the entire band Def Leppard because Def Leppard is “playing in a better Vegas venue on Saturday.”

He asked Uriah, not to comment on the currently controversial Fallon Fox transgender topic and subsequent Matt Mitrione suspension, but, and I quote, “just agree with me.”

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Uriah.. as a handsome man.” Easy, Fallon Fox.

Abe encouraged Uriah to put huge money on the fight, with a suggested parlay of himself & Uriah Hall.

And finally, Abe strong-armed Uriah into “putting in a good word for Bass,” relating to a recent voiceover audition for a speaking role in Uriah’s next TV commercial. Surprisingly, he obliged. But when Bass asked, “Really, man? You’ll do that? For me?,” Uriah then explained that the commercial has already been shot.

Ya know, Bass — the more you do these auditions and never get a single call back, the more I’m starting to think I’ve seen your casting director on RedTube. If he has an ugly green couch, you’re in the wrong place.

Touré — host of MSNBC’s The Cycle and longtime Rolling Stone writer — joined us live to discuss that new Brad Paisley / LL Cool J song about how racism is officially over.. because of their song. It’s called Accidental Racism, but could just as easily titled I’m Not Racist, BUT… (featuring My Best Friend Is Black). Keep an eye out for the duo’s forthcoming follow-up single, Gay Sounding Name.

The interview highlights:

Touré posed this excellent question regarding one of Brad Paisley’s poetic lyrics about wearing Confederate flag shirts only to indicate he’s a fan of Lynyrd Skynyrd: “If Brad Paisley’s Confederate flag shirt is only used to say he’s a fan of Skynyrd.. why not just wear a Skynyrd shirt?” Touché, Touré.

Abe amazed me, yet again, by nearly convincing another nationally respected professional — in this case, one of America’s leading social and cultural journalists — to take the bait on his tediously rotten ideas. Tonight’s hard sell? Abe had Touré contemplating the financials and overall feasibility of partnering up on a study to track the future racism of kids who believe in Santa Claus until or through the age of 11.

Touré also pimped his new Prince biography, available now on Amazon, when I shared that I’ve never gotten into any of Prince’s music. It’s not that I dislike him, I’ve just never felt compelled enough to dig in for a proper Prince phase. Within minutes, I signed myself up for Touré’s first-ever “Power Prince Challenge” — 90 Prince songs in 30 days. The mission is to determine what type of appreciation, if any, I can gain for an artist that I don’t care about. This will either suck or be super interesting.

For our at-home stat keepers: Touré was a mere six titles shy of naming every single Prince song, after I made the dire mistake of asking him for “one album.. the best starting point.” I think he’s still naming songs. Sorry about that.

He told us that he’s in a season-long Lakers bet with the Game. Of course, Abe perked up at the faintest sniff of gambling and immediately asked if the wager was for $100,000? Sadly, it’s only $100. Which, as a non-gambling man, I think is quite wise. Pretty sure that $100 should be anyone’s max bet when the other guy’s name starts with “The.” Usually not the most forgiving characters.

Touré closed with an incredible story about the time he played basketball with Prince. Honestly, he told it so well that I can’t possibly begin to do it justice with a recap. I even noticed that, during his story, all of us took on the facial expressions of four dumb little kids around a campfire listening to a magical story about dragons and gnomes. That is, right up until Bass ruined it with the uncoooo distinction of becoming the “100,000th person to ask if Prince made pancakes after the game.” Dan Levy: Predictable and Obvious since 1980.

Then again.. what do I know? Tonight’s last call came from Adam in Texas, who waited on hold for over an hour to say that “Bass is the man!” Before I could even muster a smartass remark about his obvious level of intoxication, Adam was screaming that he was “hereby giving pay raises to Abe, Sam and Bass.” The moment I started to protest by asking, “wait.. what? Why no raise for me?,” I remembered that I was talking to Adam from Texas, who isn’t actually giving out raises. Show’s over, folks.

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