ON HOLD EPISODE

Thursday, April 18, 2013

We kicked this thing off with Abe setting his phone to “Do Not Disturb” because, apparently, all of the annoying bill collectors, at their irritating 800-numbers haven’t yet learned that Abe Kanan hosts The Abe Kanan Show between these hours on these days. As you can imagine, it is far too distracting for Abe to manually ignore the calls like he does during the other 21 hours of every day.

Seriously, Abe, how long before they start calling 888-STERN-101 and lying to Stiletto to get 15 seconds of your time?

Bill Collector: “Yeah, uhh, I just wanna say that I love you crazy bastards.”

Abe: “Cooooo. You’re a true Man of Hon—” (cut off)

Bill Collector: “Good evening, Mr. Kanan. This is Michael Grimes from American Debt Recovery.”

Abe: (click)

We moved into talk of Paul Kevin Curtis — the Mississippi Elvis impersonator who was collared on charges of threatening the President — after mailing Ricin-filled rants this week. I’ve never met Mister Curtis, but based on the initial accounts of his intelligence, he’s probably thinking that the return address was a mistake.

We learned that Mrs. Kanan — a notorious Elvis fanatic — used to drive miles out of the way just to have her gas hand-pumped by an old, retarded guy down at the Unocal who called himself “Johnny Elvis.” Forget that she actually wasted more gas driving all the way across town — it was worth it to see his caved-in face, all covered in cheap black hair dye, singing off-key Elvis songs and mumbling “thank you very much” before she and the kids pulled away.

We talked about the FBI’s just-released photos of the two Boston bombing suspects. Rather surprising images. Judging by the pix, these guys are more into Jäger bombs than “bomb bombs.”

Officials are now asking for the public’s help in identifying the creatively named “Suspect #1” and “Suspect #2.” Quick, guys, what’s the douchebag equivalent of a mosque? Cuz that’s where we need to look. Blaze? Xite? TGI Fridays? Start there.

Big props to Andrew in Minnesota, who was appointed Squad Leader of Adjectives this evening! Wear the stripes well, my friend.

Contrary to Abe’s shoddy reporting, the FBI website is not FBIstuff.tv. Nor is Waco, Texas the site of that horrific fertilizer plant explosion. Hate to always play fact-checker, but it happened in a small town called West, Texas. But, as our thoughtful host said, “Who cares?” I’ll tell you what, Abe.. with that level of integrity, you’re perfect for CNN.

Information on the survivors of the Texas blast has been sparse, but I’ve learned that one of the men was overheard saying, “Manure? I hate manure.”

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Why do we still deal with things like chemicals?”

AKQ X 2: “I always find it so weird when mouth-breathers get married.”

He was referring to George Lucas, whose fat ass, we learned, is finally tying the knot in Chicago this summer. Congrats to the filthy rich, future ex-Mrs. George Lucas!

We touched on Amanda Lucas (also fat), George’s MMA fighting daughter. Star Wars fans might want to head to Le Claire, Iowa this weekend, where Abe says will be “fighting some huge bitch at the Hamburger Inn.”

We learned that Darth Vader’s famous breathing sounds were actually just the audio bleed from George Lucas in the nearby director’s chair. The sound guys couldn’t possibly mute all of that messy breathing, so they just enhanced it and worked it in.

If you ever need to explain to someone the level of nonsense that we often reach on this program — tell them that “the two hosts made a $20 bet about whether or not present-day Robin Leach looks disgusting.”

We were joined live in-studio by a French winemaker, whose name I can’t remember.. or pronounce. The guy literally landed, from France, at 2 PM today. He’d never been to the States before, and after checking into his hotel, he came straight to The Abe Kanan Show. Is there a single worse “welcome to America?”

We discovered almost nothing about wine or proper etiquette, but we did learn that the most important step to winemaking is “macerating.” I think I speak for the four of us when I say that maceration is incredibly vital. If you’re not macerating on a regular basis, I suggest you start. Terrific stress reliever.

We found out that Abe wakes up and, despite his best, active efforts to not ever stub his toe, he can’t help but stub his toe. Apparently, it’s a daily occurrence.

We talked about “big box stores,” which promoted Abe to unveil his next great, wasted idea: Medium Box Stores. Initial details were foggy, but we do know that “only coooo people, like me and Ryan, are allowed.” Also, AbeMart will be only open between the commerce-heavy hours of 12 – 6 AM. I guess that’s when “coooo” people are out and in need of things like basketball inflator pumps.

And finally, we offered some helpful advice on scoring a highly coveted invite to one of those top-secret, underground sex parties. Basically, you need to have an attractive (and adventurous) date. And you can’t be the type of creep who needs advice on getting into secret sex parties. So..

Just before we wrapped the segment, however, we heard from a Chicago caller who vaguely alluded to Abe and Bass frequenting sex parties together, many years ago. FTW: with the Chicago Bears entire starting offensive line!?

Until next time..

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