ON HOLD EPISODE

Thursday, April 25, 2013

We started with, easily, my favorite Abe-ism of April: “Does anyone else get the sense that Diane Sawyer really knows her way around a stick?”

Pretty unanimous in here that, when that red light goes off, she becomes quite the swine in the sack. Hard to explain, exactly, but the signs are all there.

Sam pointed out, halfway thru that discussion that Diane is actually married. And her husband is 81. Normally, that would end the conversation. Not here. Not tonight. It not only further solidified Abe’s assumption, but he decided that Diane forces her frequent boy-toys to empty her lifeless husband’s bedpan before they can sleep with her. May have taken this one too far? Not sure.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I’ll say this right now — if I ever bang a celebrity, there is no way that I’m not talking about it on the next show.”

We learned that Abe, just this week, made a mixtape for a group of 8th grade Mexican kids.

Full disclosure: I considered ending that entry right there, offering no additional context. Wanted to keep it vague and suggestive, ya know? But I realized that would be unfair to Abe. Because, of course, Abe would never, and I mean NEVER, even consider, under no circumstance.. putting that kind of effort into a relationship.

Abe told us a real riot of a story from back in the day; it was when he did musicals and such. Well, basically, he was part of a chorus line in a stage adaptation of Footloose and their big moment, at the end of the show, was a synchronized kick where they all kicked off a shoe. Sorry we missed that, Abe.

We also found out that Abe actively combats mail fraud and identity theft by pouring syrup on all of his unopened mail. He argues that it’s better than a shredder because, “tell me what is worse than sticking your hand in garbage and touching syrup.” It took me the entire show, but I finally came up with something — not being the homeless guy who is looking thru garbage in an alley?

That led into a discussion about the US  Postal Service, which is currently losing a whopping $25 million a day. Abe suggests shutting down the whole mail operation and even attempted lobbying mailmen as his biggest supporters. Listener Andy, a mailman, was on the line when Abe said,  “Andy, don’t you agree with me that we should get rid of the postal service?”

Quick sports story — and by “sports,” I mean semi-pro women’s basketball. A team in Boston is officially changing their name because, apparently, the Boston Bombers no longer worked. They thought they didn’t sell merch before last week? Good luck selling a shirt that says “Go Boston Bombers!”

We tried getting someone from the organization on the phone, but then realized that the Marketing Director of a semi-pro women’s basketball team is probably also the point guard. And scoreboard operator.

Interesting tidbit on franchise name changes — everyone knows that, before they became the Washington Wizards, the team was named the Washington Bullets. But before they were the Bullets, they were the Washington Pedophiles.

Wrestling legend-turned-lifesaver, Diamond Dallas Page, joined us live in-studio. A few highlights:

  • Let’s see here.. the health obsessed yoga-master who swears by raw foods and clean living opened with:. a raving endorsement for steroids!? Which Abe, of course,raised a few concerns over. Abe’s not down with all that unnatural crap. He believes athletes should be pure. And have integrity. Fast forward 15 minutes and Abe was asking if DDP could score him any high-grade horse performance pills. Really stuck to your guns there, Abe.
  • DDP told some really awesome road stories from when he was first coming up. Like the time he and Raven drove 99 miles the wrong way trying to get to a show. He chalked it up to being an awful driver, but I’m pretty sure Terry Shiavo would’ve been a better co-pilot than Raven.
  • He mentioned that Mick Foley and Steve Austin were, by far, the cheapest wrestlers. And thank God he did. Because their flannel and denim wardrobe were really sending me mixed messages.
  • He told us a funny story about a time that Mick Foley crumbled up a plate of cookies in DDP’s hotel bed. Must’ve been a long time ago.. because there’s no way that, in the last 12 years, Mick Foley would waste a plate of cookies.
  • DDP Quotebook: “Owen Hart had a real nice body.”
  • He kept the intrigue rolling by telling us some excellent stories about.. wheat and corn. Surprisingly, they weren’t as boring as they sound. Which makes Page the first person to ever say “let me tell you about wheat” and actually make it tolerable.
  • Of course, we talked about his miracle projects — Jake Roberts & Scott Hall, who both continue to progress after moving in with Dallas. Abe marveled at the fact that, before they met DDP, you’d put a tarp down if they got in your car. Now they’re babysitting kids!
  • DDP did mention that it’s a little tricky to have a drink in the house. Which makes him the only non-alcoholic who boozes in the shower.
  • You better believe Abe confined his ongoing attempt to find famous people side-jobs. Tonight, Abe suggested that DDP launch his own wrestling promotion. And sell produce. Because, as Abe put it, he needs to know he’s eating “a trustworthy banana.” Though, I recommended he start with Peas. Think about it — DDPeas!
  • Abe told Dallas how hot his daughter is. Which I thought was weird.. until Page agreed.
  • And finally, Abe asked Dallas if he ever envisioned being at a place in his life where he has to put a sock on the bedroom door handle to let Jake the Snake Roberts and Razor Ramon know he’s froggin’ in there.
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