ON HOLD EPISODE

Thursday, January 10, 2013

We kicked off the very first show in our new time slot with a brief rundown of our background. Just to let any new or unfamiliar listeners know that we are more than qualified for this spot, both as a collective and as individuals.

Abe, for instance, took the top spot in the 1993 New Lenox Shriner’s Pinewood Derby. Sam brought home the blue ribbon in 2 separate elementary school Academic Bowls. I hoisted the 1995 Indiana Babe Ruth State Championship trophy at the age of 14. And Bass was 3rd runner-up in the Skokie Valley Pierogi eating contest. So yeah… we’ve paid our dues.

Abe Kanan Show “Tip of the Day” — If anyone ever tells you they were a Boy Scout until they turned 18, you might wanna cross-check their name with the National Sex Offender Registry. No one should ever leave the Boy Scouts because term limits forced their resignation.

After I just ran down our impressive credentials, this next entry is starting to sound like I’m bragging.. but what the hell? “Can Crush Jack” gave us yet another award for the Abe Kanan Show mantle: the first ever “Thursday-Friday Can Crush.” Huge.

Somehow, we all ended up sharing a painfully embarrassing moment from our youth. Everyone has one; a memory of something you did that was so lame, it makes you want to turn back time & whip your own ass for being such a dork. Like the time my brother & I wrote/performed a rap for my parents, hoping it’d convince them to buy us the Snow CD. Yes, I was 11. And yes, it worked. But I still deserve to be punched.

A fat, little 5th-grade Abe Kanan recalls asking Tommy Harris, the stud 8th grade basketball player, for his autograph. Which, itself, is embarrassing.. but that was only the beginning! A 6th grade goon, who I imagine looking like Scut Farkus from A Christmas Story, ripped the literally worthless piece of paper out of Abe’s hand, at which point Abe speared the bully in an attempt to reclaim the now wrinkled and worthless page.

We learned that, when every other kid in America was playing Cowboys & Indians or staging fake G.I. Joe battles, Bass commonly played a game called “Injury Victim.” It went a little something like this: Bass’ older brother played an attorney representing Bass, who pretended to have a different malady each time. Like asbestos exposure or defective pelvic mesh. Sounds very fun.

We learned that Abe & Sam’s youngest brother was a nudist with a fetish for golden showers… and then he turned 9.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “It was the greatest moment in history! A naked little kid was running thru the house.”

Danny Gaga, our highly decorated Entertainment Reporter, finished his family dinner (a plate of kraut) and was ungrounded long enough to call in and drop a bombshell! We found out that Dan is the kingpin of one of the largest organized crime rings this side of the Mason Dixon. His entire empire — which he manages from the top bunk at his parents’ house — has shockingly been built by shrink-wrapping old video games, DVDs, cell phones, anything he can find & returning them to the big box stores in exchange for cash. He gets around the receipt & photo ID policies with some elaborate, made-up story about getting seizures. It’s a real scumbag move and, no doubt, dishonest. But considering that he could put rocks in the box, I guess the stores should just be happy with used video games covered in wing sauce.

Abe Kanan Show “Un-Fact-Checked Fact of the Day” : The price of a Stanford education in 1984 cost, all-in — room, board, books, diploma — $1,700.

In the only 15 seconds anyone has mentioned John Popper this year, we learned that he was a chronic public masturbator, armed to the nines & often puked into his harmonica from being so fat.

Abe shared an inspirational quote which he, himself, thought up: You can’t change your life tomorrow, but tomorrow’s a good day to start.

Spoken like a man who was staring down at the unhealthiest excuse for food & decided that he’d start making changes tomorrow. Abe, most inspirational quotes aren’t written on a bag, next to Wendy’s cartoon face. Abe, most inspirational quotes don’t intersect with grease stains.

We moved into sports & hit the Garnett vs. Melo fight. Sure, KG might be the biggest trash talker in the NBA.. but he’s also a trailblazer! Think about it – he’s the first athlete to work product placement into his verbal smack!? Hey, Honey Nut Cheerios: you want to keep this attention train rolling? Offer to pay any salary that Carmelo Anthony misses during his suspension. Then replace that bee on the box with Melo’s wife.

After Bass recalled all of the near-fights he’s had in locker rooms, we found out that he’s the most hated member of the national sports “media.” It’s in quotes because Bass is still using a press pass that says Chicago Stadium.

Abe enacted what a phone call between Alabama QB AJ McCarran & his coach Nick Saban might sound like, as they strategized over how to control the title-eclipsing beauty of McKarran’s hot girlfriend, Katherine Webb. Know this: if you see Katherine Webb on with Hoda & Kathie Lee, and all she says is “roll tide” with a lobotomized look in her eye.. you know that we were right.

Following sports, Abe took special offense to Justin Timberlake’s big announcement that he’s returning to music after 6 years away. According to Abe, he’s only going back because his acting career didn’t quite pan out. Abe’s got it on good authority that JT’s (“for scale”) part was cut from the straight-to-DVD remake of the 1996 Dennis Miller HBO film, Bordello of Blood.

Finally, we heard David Bowie’s new single. Unfortunately. It was unanimously called the worst piece of music ever recorded, save for one lone opinion. Abe Kanan says it’s Bowie’s best work to date. But, really, what did we expect? This is a guy who says Danzig’s “777” is our generation’s “Stairway to Heaven.”

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