ON HOLD EPISODE

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Abe kicked off the show with a really sad story of heroism gone awry. An 81-year old woman was rescued from a burning building by two bystanders, who bravely went back for the others… but died. It’s been a tough day for Abe because, as he made very clear numerous times, this was his mom’s cousin’s brother’s bosses’ neice’s neighbor.

It’s almost as convoluted as the latest wrinkle in the Manti Te’o story, who, by the way, is NOT Sam Kanan’s “boy” as Abe previously stated.

We found out that Manti’s lifelong friend, who not only masterminded the hoax, was also playing the part of Lennay Kekua. After this one, the Manti Te’o suicide watch is ON! Which is odd… that usually happens after you play in the NFL.

Wait til Manti realizes that Lennay didn’t really find One Eyed Willie’s treasure.

From the Abe Kanan-as-Manti Teo-to-Ronaiah Tuiasosopo-as-Lennay Kekua quotebook: “Girl, when can I smell fish?”

And a rare entry from the Ryan Manno quotebook: “There’s nothing quite the sound of a man peeing.” I don’t remember saying that one.

We were joined LIVE by UFC featherweight Clay “Safe Auto” Guida ahead of Saturday’s UFC on Fox fight. Searching for immediate common ground, Abe went with “I, myself, wrestled in high school. So… I know a thing or 2 about the hassles of making weight.” When the replay airs, listen for Clay Guida’s team of highly trained Russian nutritionists laughing in the background as they prepared his dinner almond.

That last Memo entry was sponsored by Walgreens. Walgreens, there’s a way to stay well.

We learned that whenever Abe says, “Bass, don’t take this the wrong way…” it’s usually something that can only be taken one way.

We kept sports rolling with today’s troubling Colin Kaepernick story. His biological mother, who raised him until he was six weeks old until trading him for a carton of Marlboro Reds and some jerky nuggets, would like the chance to meet her baby boy! She also wants to be very clear that it has nothing to do with his newfound success.

We decided that this is a real test to see how bad the Ravens want that ring! If I’m John Harbaugh, Colin’s momma is sitting front & center at the 50. Of course, Abe took it a step further and had the entire Ravens defensive line giving her blumpkins on the jumbotron during pre-game warmups. At which point, John Harbaugh orders her shackled to the wheel of torture. “Throw the game, Kapernick… or the woman dies!”

Jokes on us — a few weeks after the SuperBowl, Deadspin will start piecing it together and figure out that Colin Kaepernick never really had a mother.

That led into a talk about the joys of parenthood; giving of yourself to provide a life greater than your own for the fruit of your seed. Or as Abe views it: raising a kid who can bring you “money and glory.” Abe — I’m not trying to tell you how to raise a kid you don’t yet have, just promise me that you won’t call him “client” to his face.

Abe called his & Sam’s Uncle Rick, who really was the father figure in their life. Abe wanted to assure Rick, that even if their real dad pulls the same crap as Kaepernick’s mother, Uncle Rick is still entitled to Abe’s money. Abe closed with “don’t worry, okay?”

I don’t think he was, Abe.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Do you think Colin Kaepernick is like Stefan Urkel?”

Abe Kanan Show Fun Fact: Every possession that Jake the Snake Roberts owns today was purchased using money from Jay-Z’s The Blueprint 1 and 2.

Bass scooped us on the latest drama between Kobe Bryant & Dwight Howard. This is a firsthand account from inside the Lakers locker room. It’s a Bass exclusive! The REAL problem, and don’t listen to the media, is that the Lakers’ coach is “not calling enough post-up plays in the paint.” Thanks for that, Bass!

Abe hatched and revealed his grand catfishing scheme in the same day. See, Jay the Gay was trying to catfish Danny Gaga. The bobber wasn’t even wet yet and Abe called Gaga to reveal the big surprise. Don’t worry folks — it’s all part of Abe’s master plan to secretly catfish Warren Sapp & the cast of MTV’s Buckwild. But don’t tell anyone. It’s a secret.

Charles from Indiana called to comment on my “Body, Spirit & Mind” segment on why men cheat. Solid guy, but he’s to extramarital affairs what Abe is to cat fishing. He called a national radio show to tell America he’s sleeping with his sister-in-law because his pig wife hasn’t worked in nine years. Slick.

Note to any Denny’s bigwigs: Don’t hire servers whose eyes are even with their nostrils. Your food is already questionable enough. We don’t want to look at that.

And finally, Ernie’s doing it big in 2013.

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