ON HOLD EPISODE

Thursday, May 02, 2013

We kicked this sucker off with a live chicken sacrifice & group prayer to Lucifer in honor of Slayer’s Jeff Hanneman who permanently relocated “South of Heaven” earlier this afternoon.

In terms of rockstar deaths, Jeff really went out in a brutal blaze of badass glory! He slowly passed as a result of complications from an insect bite suffered back in 2011.

Tonight’s PSAbe – if you do happen to see a strange and potentially poisonous looking spider, try playing Anthrax or Metallica to chase them away. Apparently, Slayer is not a deterrent.

Of course, Jeff wasn’t the only music death du jour. Kris Kross fans sure can’t catch a break, huh? Chris Kelly’s unfortunate passing is the first real Kris Kross news since 1993. Yet Slayer stole their thunder.. again

Fortunately, though, Abe appeased fans of both Slayer and Kris Kross with this touching eulogy: “We will always remember our fallen brothers Jeff Han.. Handyman.. Hanneman. And, uh, what’s that other guy’s name, Sam?”

Smack Daddy’s death led us into a discussion of other former child stars who checked out too soon. Names like Corey Haim, Dana Plato and Gary Coleman who, according to Abe, “died because he was a douchebag.” I’d like to quickly clear that one up; Mr. Coleman died after hitting his head during a fall. So, Abe must’ve only skimmed the coroner’s report.

Abe then offered this warning to future stage parents; the ones considering putting their prodigious young stars in the spotlight at an early age: “If you’re Will Smith, it’s fine. But if you’re some scumbag with a loser kid like Stephanie from Full House.. don’t do it.”

That pep talk turned into a rapid fire series of random child actors. Everybody throwing names out, which Sam and I Googled, merely to see if they were dead yet. For a few minutes there, the show turned into a typical weeknight at Abe’s apartment. That’s seriously what he does when he’s not doing this. Anyway, here’s what we learned:

  • Brian from Alf — alive
  • Vinnie from Doogie Howser — alive
  • Blair from The Facts of Life — alive, but “looks disgusting”
  • Natalie from The Facts of Life — became Andy Richter
  • Ben from Growing Pains — alive
  • Boner from Growing Pains — hung himself from a tree
  • Jamie from Small Wonder — homeless and living under a bridge
  • Corky from Life Goes On — singing for a Christian rock band

We talked about Abe’s poor, poor reaction to a friend’s big news that he’s having a son! Exciting, right? More so when you consider that these dudes have been friends for more than a decade and hadn’t seen each other in at least a year. So, they met up this week in the parking lot before the Sox game. Dave, all anxious, tells Abe that he’s gonna be a dad. Boom! Bomb was dropped. Abe’s immediate response? “So, where you working these days?” What a pal.

Abe was more excited about being one of the first 10,000 fans to get his free Harold Baines bobblehead.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I don’t mean for it to come out that way, it’s just that I don’t give a shit.”

And finally, after years and years of me asking this, Abe himself spoke the words, “What’s wrong with me?”

Not enough hours in a year to answer that, but we did a get a sense that it’s not a new concern. 25 years ago, Abe and Sam were told, by their mom, in a McDonald’s parking lot, that she was having another kid. Abe remembers that moment so vividly. And who couldn’t? All the joy, excitement and pride that comes along with being a brother! So which emotion did Abe feel? Anger. Disgust. Sadness. Disappointment. Really, just a cocktail of contempt because he thought their mom was going to surprise them with a dog.

Abe closed that conversation with a message to all of his friends. He assured each of us that, despite what we’ve just heard, we should continue sharing our big news with him, because, from here on out, he’s “going to try pretending” like he cares about your lives.

We got into sports and the NBA’s most faaaabulous center, Jason Collins, who earlier this week came out as gay. An announcement that Abe believes is a result of Jason hearing our recent show, during which Abe encouraged “all the losers in the NFL” to come out at as homosexuals in order to save their roster spot.

Lost in all the religious and moral subtext surround Collins’ announcement is how truly tough this had to be tough for him. The first active gay athlete in American history? I guess Jason told his family that it was almost as difficult as coming out as a Washington Wizard.

Abe petitioned people like NBA analyst Chris Broussard and Dolphins receiver Mike Wallace to put down the Haterade and, instead, put themselves in Collins shoes. If only for a minute. Mike Wallace must’ve been listening because he tweeted Abe saying, “His shoes? Man, I ain’t wearing no queer sequined heels.”

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I’ll post up on Jason Collins all day!”

We looked ahead to next year, assuming Collins gets a new deal, when all the close-minded NBA fans start taunting Jason with “U-S-A” chants.

Minutes after getting off stage in Atlanta, Flaming Lips frontman Wayne Coyne joined us live. The highlights:

  • Wayne thinks something has to be done about the amount of aggression and testosterone in amateur bowling.
  • He views the Flaming Lips as a “motorcycle gang with The Beastie Boys, Sonic Youth, U2 and the Grateful Dead.”
  • He wanted to clear something up: when I first interviewed him, 10 years ago at the Riviera Theater in Chicago, the dried blood all over his suit was actually fake blood. Very important. That was not real human blood.
  • He credited nearly all of his success to being young in the 60s and 70s.. and taking a bunch of drugs.
  • The Coynes used to have family boxing matches in the front yard, during which one of them would pretend to be Muhammad Ali while the other would be John Lennon. Seems like a sensible fight.
  • And finally, Wayne told us that, really, all he ever wanted to do was make it through life being weird.. without getting his ass kicked.
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