ON HOLD EPISODE

Thursday, May 09, 2013

We set it off with Abe doing two things he does best:

  1. Roasting the pathetic majority of radio losers
  2. Patting himself on the back

Abe stopped just shy of giving himself some type of humanitarian award for turning down an offer to speak at an out-of-town broadcasting “school.” And I use the word school loosely — it’s a school in the same way that the University of Phoenix is a university. It’s one of those three-month programs where the instructors are all big shot broadcasting failures making minimum wage to tell a bunch of delusional, stuttering morons that they’re gonna be the next Howard Stern. It’s the media equivalent of going to see that “minister” Benny Hinn; falling so hard for a shiny scam, that you fork over $14,000 hoping that, once the creep in the silk dress shirt “lays hands on you,” you’ll be healed and wake up with a personality. You won’t.

Anyway, Abe, the self-appointed hero, passed up $2,500 + flight & accommodations, because he can’t even pretend to support such a criminal operation. Well, that and they were gonna put him up at a Travelodge. So, I get it. Instead, he’s suggested Sam as his stand-in. Sam Kanan — who went to business school and landed this gig after deciding it’d be “fun to sit in on” his brother’s podcast. Surely, those goon students would love to see, firsthand, just how badly they’re wasting their time. And just in case, we’re sending Sam with a briefcase full of applications for welfare… and other schools.

Fortunately, for Abe, dude doesn’t have to leave Chicago to experience the majestic splendor of Travelodge! We learned tonight that Bass’ brother has reserved a sweet block of $3 rooms for Bass’ upcoming bachelor party. And by “upcoming,” I mean five months from now.

Really, judging by the whole itinerary, it seems the theme of Bass’ big bash is “settling.” Check this out:

  • The evening starts with four hours at Hooters. FOUR. HOURS.
  • Followed by another four at some airport strip club that converts into a hot dog stand during the day. Based on the two blurry photos posted at their Myspace page, someone is leaving that hellhole with hepatitis.
  • Thankfully, though, the group’ll get a good night’s rest at a motel with 0 stars on TripAdvisor. As one user review put it: “Even my cab driver said.. BAD HOTEL.”

Bass — I truly never thought I would say this to you. Ever. But after seeing what your brother lined up, it appears that you got the brains in the Levy gene pool.

We learned that our electrifying entertainment reporter, Danny Gaga, once considered himself the “Don of Lap Dances.” I know – it’s kinda hard to imagine a faster, more exciting version of Danny Gaga. But yeah.. several nights a week, Bishop Gaga would take gifts to some skank named “Blue” because he thought they were soulmates. Dan would basically sign over his paychecks to this skank because he liked the way it felt when she put a cool washrag on his crotch.

Danny Gaga Quotebook: “I’m like T-Pain when I go strip clubs; I make it rain!”

He left out all the heavy breathing, tears and calling his Mom to pick him up at 5 AM.

I will give Gaga credit – he’s snapped outta that scumbag phase. Unlike our buddy Kyle, who we discovered tonight, uses a Facebook app called Bang With Friends. Naturally, we cold-called Kyle to get the story. But, after some light pleasantries, the moment it was mentioned, Kyle pretended like he had water in his phone and couldn’t hear the question. While driving thru a bad cell area. Before getting pulled over. Or in an accident. And stuff. That’s why he hung up.

We moved on to health & fitness, where Abe announced that he wants whatever illness is currently plaguing Chicago Bulls Forward Luol Deng. Why? “If it means losing enough weight to get back in the 240s? Sign me up!”

That is an unintentionally perfect snapshot of how Abe “Shortcut” Kanan truly thinks. Instead of finding healthy, respectable ways to get in better shape, he asks how to catch the plague.

Thankfully, Mike Dolce – one of the world’s greatest trainers and creator of The Dolce Diet – stepped in to set him straight! The highlights:

After Mike started Abe off with some basic tips – no fried food, no dairy, no bread – Sam and I stopped him right there. Clearly, Mike didn’t know what he was up against. So we encouraged Abe, for starters, to come clean on his mayo habits. “What? Like dipping an entire alfredo pizza into a vat of Hellman’s?” Mike paused for three seconds and, I’m guessing, sat down to say, “Really? Damn. That’s crazy. Wow. Yeah, that’s… disgusting.”

Bass Quotebook: “Mike, I went through a stage where I was trying to eat really healthy breakfastses.”

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Not to get too gross here, Mike, but I want to tell you about my dumps.”

Which signaled the start of Abe’s beloved “wipes vs. toilet paper” talk; a conversation that I expected Mike Dolce to quickly redirect back to health food. Nope. The guy had an entire speech prepared on the pros of keeping a clean sphincter.

It’s incredible. Abe booked this guy hoping that he might change Abe. Instead, this world famous fitness guru became so “Kananized” that he ended the call – and remember that he opened with “drink water and eat berries and leaves and sticks” – he closed by saying that he needs to hit Chicago so that Abe can take him out for some deep dish pizza.

Big Ern, Squad Leader of Doin’ it Big, joined us and continued to resist the role after which he is named. He no longer wants to say “Doin’ it biiiiig!” Which, of course, is his sole responsibility. Instead, Ern prefers to ask questions and offer opinions. None of which we actually want to hear.

Big Ern’s like the metal band that follows three mind blowingly brutal albums with an acoustic record. And, quite frankly, it’s getting out of hand. Guys, I think we should strongly consider casting a new Big Ern. Think about it – Roseanne did it with Becky and Fresh Prince pulled it off with Aunt Vivian. Dozens of popular shows have replaced actors mid-series, hoping the audience wouldn’t notice. So why can’t we cast a new Big Ern; one who doesn’t have a problem with yelling “Doin’ it biiiiig!”

From there, we got into talk of Abercrombie & Fitch’s refusal to acknowledge the existence of heavy people. Not only do they sell clothes sizes strictly for twinks and juiceheads.. now, employees are shooing fatties out of the store. Which Abe imagines sounding something like, “Awww, fatty can’t fit?? Oink oink. Fatty can’t fit! What’s wrong, pig? Can’t fit in the cool shirt?”

A more accurate Abe observation: those too fat to fit, but still want to be accepted by “Doyle, Grimes & the boys” will resort to the AF hat and/or cologne. Still, they have to send someone else in to make the purchase. And even then, the clerk is required to ask, “This ain’t for a fatass, is it?”

Abe paused the Abercrombie talk to pay one final tribute to LFO frontman Rich Cronin. The farewell was marked by the always touching, Candle in the Wind. Also, Rich died in 2010.

And finally – Abe & Sam’s college senior cousin, “The Closer” joined us to share a story about his Abercrombie audition. Regrettably, he tried out to be one of those shirtless d-bags holding a football in the hallway at the mall. Considering applying? According to “The Closer,” here’s what to expect:

They’ll make you squeeze into a pair of two-sizes-too-small undies before posing with a troupe of other half naked hunks giving ‘thumbs up’ in front of a fake lake.

He didn’t get the job, but that’s okay. Look on the bright side, Closer – it just gives you more time to make GHB-laced jello shots and teach fools how to Dougie.

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