ON HOLD EPISODE

Thursday, May 16, 2013

We kicked it off with a mighty three-man push of The Abe Kanan Show’s infamous Ball-Busting Pendulum™. Tonight, she was pointed squarely at Sam Kanan who, we found out, is “pulling a Bass” and missing tomorrow night’s show. Sam hasn’t sat out a single second in over two years, so clearly he’s called off for something important, right? Wrong.

Sam has excused himself tomorrow so that he can take 80 inner city 8th grade gangbangers camping in Wisconsin.

When you see it typed out like that, it really looks like we just pulled a bunch of words out of a hat to fill in a MadLib. So, I suppose I should mention that Sam’s girlfriend is a teacher whose class is part of this wilderness weekend. Legally, the school needed one more chaperone or the trip would be cancelled. It’s not like Sam answered some Craigslist ad to chaperone a young mob of rival Latinos on a group night hike.

We offered Sam our strongest warning that he’s in for one hell of a nightmare. He assumed he’d spend the weekend sitting on a log and sipping lattes while a group of kids run a ropes course. But we assured him that the 18th Street Sharkies and Domincan Dragons will revise his list of lame activities to include neck tattoos and “killing the square chaperone.” By this time tomorrow, Sam, one of those groups will have your bloody khakis tied to a stick and stuck in the soil to mark their new, Northwoods turf. Nice knowin’ ya, pal.

One caller suggested Sam make a pit stop for a pack of “anti-rape condoms.” Based on the guy’s brief description, Sam will insert the apparatus into his anus. A foreign object entering his sphincter will trip the device, thus releasing a barrage of microscopic razor blades into said object. Not a bad recommendation, Sam! This way, you can still wear your sleep mask and earplugs without fearing a gangbanger gangbanging.

We had plenty of questions, so Abe called Sam’s girlfriend, Rachel, for some additional explanation. She sounded as excited as anyone would before watching Sam Kanan “rough it” for 48 hours.

Or, more likely, Rachel’s just tired of explaining to Abe why he can’t live into their current condo for free, after she & Sam close on their new crib. They’re wisely planning to rent the place at full market value; something Abe still can’t understand. He doesn’t get why they’d want $2,100 every month when he’s offering “weekly Swiffering and not being an asshole.”

And to that point, Abe started with a classic sympathy play: “But it’s right acorss the street from my favorite grocery store!? I’d walk over there every night to get a nice steak and have a beautiful life. I might even get a piece of that salmon. And I don’t even eat fish.”

When that didn’t work, he tried this convincing final argument: “You guys know some scumbag is gonna be a scumbag when you rent it out to some douchebag.”

Moving on, we hit a story concerning a senior citizen complex in Englewood, New Jersey — busted, this week, for doubling as home base for a sophisticated prostitution and crack ring.

As you can imagine, our version had a million demented layers, so I’ll spare you a detailed recap and just share our main takeaway: Old people love sex. Not just the elderly freaks in Englewood. All old people. They can’t get enough.

Take, for instance, one listener who walked in on his grandpa muscling a glass Coke bottle… into his grandma. And props to Abe for his fine investigative journalism: “Did he at least take the cap off the bottle? If not, that could’ve cut her pretty bad.” Abe, I’m thinking that when two people with a combined age of 192 are gettin’ down with 32 oz. glass objects (in front of their grandson), they’re not overly concerned with safety. A cap is the least of their worries when grandpa glances down at his shaky hand and sees half a jagged bottle.

Another caller who works closely with old folks offered this pro tip: If you ever take a wrong turn in life and find yourself lying naked on a bed, waiting for an old man to undo the tape on his diaper, it’s important to “work around the colostomy bag.” Take it from the guy who’s cleaned up his share of poop pouches, all because the prostitute thought it was a toy.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Can you imagine playing with some guy’s old balls?” No sir, I sure can’t. I also can’t imagine asking that question.

Another listener took the four of us to task for being “limp-wristed little fancy lad, too-cool-for-school pickle-kissers,” because we “obviously ain’t spent any real time with hookers.” Guilty as charged, pal.

We noted that winking seems to be a lost art. Aside from old people, ya don’t really see anyone winking anymore. In 15 years, we predict that winking will be extinct.

After learning about the sex habits of seniors, we were joined by the “Backdoor Teen Mom” herself – Farrah Abraham! The highlights:

Abe rolled out the red carpet with one of his traditional welcomes: “Farrah, I don’t know how close you are with your mom.. but she has crazy eyes. Doesn’t she have those crazy eyes?” One pitch, three strikes. Nice work!

Abe and Farrah bonded over a shared hatred of Dr. Phil. Farrah dislikes him because he was unfair to her during a recent appearance on his show, while Abe dislikes him because “he’s the biggest scumbag ever.”

Farrah called her sex tape co-star, James Deen, “bipolar and homosexual.” She wouldn’t say why. But, personally, I think she sounded a little anal.

Or maybe she was simply sending a message to Abe that she’s available? After all, Farrah finished the interview by saying to Abe, “I’ve never even met you, but you’re so honest and straightforward. I mean, you sound really cool. And, like, I feel like we should hang out.”

Your move, Abe. Just don’t be surprised when, six months from now, she’s telling Dr. Phil that you’re “bipolar and homosexual.”

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