ON HOLD EPISODE

Thursday, November 01, 2012

We kicked off the show, as we do every first of the month, with the extended version of Bone Thugs & Harmony’s “1st of the Month.” And we’re no closer to knowing any more lyrics beyond “we havin’ a celebration..”

We talked about the fact that our studio looks like the fallout from a potato chip factory explosion. Abe explained that it’s from Evil Dave Letterman’s remote appearance on Howard’s Monday show. Apparently, the guy needs potato chips the way other people need oxygen.

We got into our upcoming return trip to New York City for Howard’s holiday party. 45 minutes after receiving the invite Abe “Too Thirsty” Kanan already had his ground transportation lined up. He doesn’t get out much, folks.

We revisited last year’s stay in New York — thankfully I was crashing with my brother — because these 3 pricks made less than ideal roommates:

  • Bass was barely off the elevator before he stripped down to his Merry Grinchmas boxers.
  • Sam paced the room while watching MSNBC for local voting results for Kokomo, Indiana.
  • Abe decided to make sandwiches on a sleeping Sam’s legs at 5 AM.

Which prompted this entry into the Sam Kanan quotebook: “Have you ever woken up to find pastrami on your left leg, Abe?”

Oh, and here’s an entry into the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Sam, please tell everyone what kind of undergarments I wear.”

Bass proudly made the HUGE announcement that he & Abe are crashing in Howard’s guest bedroom during our visit to New York! Howard confirmed it in an email and Bass was on cloud nine! He quit his side job as the PA announcer at DePaul. He sold Levy Media to a savvy group of Chinese investors. He dropped his fiancee. All because this was step 1 to getting in Howard’s inner circle…

The only problem??

Abe made the whole thing up and Bass took the bait… bump. set. spike. Sorry Bass. You’ll be sleeping in the ice room at the Queens Red Roof Inn.

Abe talked about his Halloween night. He says that in his 31 years of life, he was hit on more times on Halloween than any other night. So.. to those 2 girls.. you worked wonders for his confidence.

Abe’s theory is that, if he dresses like Elvis the other 364 days in the year, he will get laid every night. Just like he did on Hallowe—-what’s that? Abe turned down binders full of women at 2:30 AM because Pita Pit closed at 3? Yeah.. that sounds about right.

From the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I felt like One Direction walking into a middle school.” He’s a 31 year old man. 31. Male.

Abe’s actual plan is to dress like Elvis and step out on the dance floor at the hottest clubs in Vegas, then feed some drunk skank a sob story about his sister in a coma who’s laying in his bathtub because her HMO got canceled. Her favorite holiday was Halloween, so his Elvis gear is a yearlong tribute. That’s a sure fire way to get some action. Or arrested. Probably arrested.

Ah, and from the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “There is never bad karma when you use a coma to your advantage.”

And another from the Quotebook: “You want to see a little bitch? Watch Sam bent over my Mom’s knee while she puts drops in his ears.”

Greta van Sustern called in and informed us that she actually has more than prescription shoes — all of her clothes were prescribed by a doctor!

Abe dusted off his ignorant belief that he’s the next Tim Gunn. Coming to the Style Network in 2013: “Abe Kanan: Proper Outfits.” He’s a self-proclaimed fashion consultant for women, because he believes the Kardashians have brainwashed American women into thinking that stupid clothes are high fashion. I contend that the Kardashians have brainwashed Abe into thinking that they’re worth caring about. 31 years old, folks. And a man. Figure it out.

Abe Kanan Quotebook: “If I were a girl, I would dress hot.”

My lovely girlfriend Laura joined us live — another screwjob propagated by Abe Kanan. Abe tried coercing Laura into calling me an jerk for surprising her with a lovely, magical 4-day excursion to Saugatuck, Michigan. As stated, Abe.. I apologize that Laura & I enjoyed a nice getaway. Next time, we’ll take a few sick days and lay around eating Home Run Inn microwave pizzas while watching Storage Wars.

Abe did drop a pretty embarrassing bomb.. that I can only half deny. I used to have a bodyguard named Harry. The catch is that I never actually hired him to bodyguard me. But I also never stopped him. Put it this way — he’s the bodyguard equivalent to the skid who wipes your windshield with his spit while you’re at a red light. You didn’t ask for it. But you also let him shine that son’bitch up.

Abe re-waged his war with classic rock radio stations. So, to Waltrip and Birdman.. the only 2 longhairs left in America — Abe’s coming for you!

We decided that David Stern is the only heel commissioner in sports, next to Vince McMahon. He is so hated that he actually gets booed when he walks in the door at home.

We heard from New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who pissed off Republicans by having a cheeseburger with Barack Obama after touring Hurricane Sandy devastation. But lets be fair here, everyone. Chris Christie actually eats a cheeseburger at every meeting. So… factor that in.

Our Master Splinter Sludge joined us, so that he, Sam & Abe could recreate a betrayal scene from Godfather. Only this was about a bogus trade that Sam swindled Sludge into taking. I dunno. I actually stopped paying attention when Abe compared Sludge to the mentally retarded girl in a zebra costume who trick-or-treated at my house last night..

And, by the way, I would like to formally apologize to said young lady. It was wrong and rude of me to mention her on this program. We could all learn a thing or two (especially Abe) about patterning our lives after the happiness of that sweet young lady.

Abe then told us that he had figured out how to quote “break Vegas.” Friends: any time you hear Abe Kanan begin a sentence with “I have figured out how to…” it means something shady is coming. At any rate, here are his legendary picks:

  1. Chiefs at Chargers (San Diego -7 ½)
  2. Broncos at Bengals (Bengals +3 ½)
  3. Cardinals at Packers (Packers -11)
  4. Dolphins at Colts (Dolphins -2 ½)
  5. Ravens at Browns (Browns +3 ½)
  6. Bills at Texans (Bills +10)
  7. Panthers at Redskins (Redskins -3 ½)
  8. Lions at Jaguars (Jaguars +3 ½)
  9. Bears at Titans (Titans +3 ½)
  10. Vikings at Seahawks (Seahawks -5)
  11. Buccaneers at Raiders (Buccaneers +2)
  12. Steelers at Giants (Steelers +3 ½)
  13. Cowboys at Falcons (Cowboys +4)
  14. Eagles at Saints (Eagles +3 ½)
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