Friday, April 12, 2013

We launched this bad boy with Abe waxing nostalgic about his first ever raise at his very first radio job. A young Ryan Manno was the Marty to his Doc, so I can absolutely vouch for his story’s validity. Abe’s boss, a 48-year-old, former bodybuilding dwarf (a certified dwarf), who bleached his hair every week to stay “hip” (he was making $150-160,000/year) found out that Abe got a raise from $34,000 to $52,000 (only because the company was in violation of labor laws if they didn’t pay him more). Well, his tiny boss complained all the way up the ladder, demanding that management also give him a raise. The drama concluded when our Program Director called Abe at work, on Christmas Eve, complaining that Abe “put his yambag in a vice grip here.. because now the dwarf is demanding more money.”

If any of this was hard to follow, let me just cut to April 12, 2013. You’re listening to The Abe Kanan Show on Howard Stern’s Howard 101 on SiriusXM. The diminutive ex-boss is selling tackle, while that soft, mush-mouth, limp program director is pretending to be a cowboy (he’s an old Jewish guy) simply to keep his job passing out stickers at a country radio station in Maine. I think it all worked out, Abe.

That led into a handful of “what ifs?” about winning the Lottery as a group. Because, lord knows, Abe’s never passed on a chance to test the hypothetical integrity of the unit.

So, let’s say one of us went rogue and bought a personal ticket on the side.. after purchasing the group tickets with the group money — how would we handle the winnings? I should’ve known that when any fake monetary dilemma originates from (or even remotely involves) Abe Kanan, it turns from an otherwise good-natured daydream into a real life version of the movie Saw.

Abe asked us all to imagine how fat Bass would get if he won the Lottery. Boy, real stretch of the imagination there, Abe. “Picture if Bass was super fat” is like the first Bozo bucket.

In Abe’s mind, if I won the Lottery, I would spend my money on re-creating Spring for my girlfriend, Laura, who he described as having the “bad weather blues.” Abe, you do remember that we all hung out this week and had a nice time, right? A nice time involving laughter? She didn’t become Eyeore on a high-rise ledge during these last 3 days. Though, recreating Spring would be pretty coooo.

We talked to a listener in Oregon and Abe actually tossed out an interesting queRstion: Growing up, did he play the classic Oregon Trail computer game? He did not. But, coincidentally, one of his buddies did, in fact, die of Dissin’ Terry (Dysentery). Ol’ Terry does not like to be dissed. His friend learned that the hard way.

Bass eloquently asked someone (I usually tune him out, so I can’t remember who) if they were going to look over the contract with a “fine comb.” I’ve never heard of a fine comb, Bass, but I’m guessing that’s a really nice looking, expensive comb made from a rare, imported Italian leather? Unless, of course, you meant to say “fine tooth comb.” It’s cool, Shakespeare.. we read ya.

We learned from listener Alex that “all women who work at hair salons are loose gold-diggers.” Scientific fact. Alex boldly advised all men to avoid relationships with any chick who works at “one ‘dem dysfunctional den of whores.” At first, it kinda sounded like a stylist had maybe broken his heart. But I actually talked to Alex during commercial and it turns out that he just got a really messed up fade last week and felt “goofy lookin’.” It’ll grow back, Alex. I promise.

We talked to Actor/Director Jay Chandrasekhar (Super Troopers, Beerfest) who you might best recognize as the psychotic cab driver from Jackass 2. Abe wasted no time endearing himself with this verbal welcome mat: “Boy, what a horrible last name, huh, Jay?”

Scoring at home? A. Kanan continued his super weird streak of recommending potential “better domain names” to our guests. 81 shows running, dude!

A few interview highlights:

Jay told us about his new project (in production), which he described as similar to the show Parenthood, in that “they both have people in it.” Sounds incredible.

He told us that he’s been unsuccessful thus far in his quest to sleep with Olivia Munn, whom he’s cast several times in various projects.. strictly because of his desire to sleep with Olivia Munn. I will say that his unsubtle approach might be to blame? The extent of Jay’s attempt has been a weak and whiny, “Olivia.. come oonnnnnnnnnn!”

We found out that he regularly chugs beers out of his amputee friend’s “shower leg.” Which may also be serving an Olivia Munn deterrent.

Jay enlightened us on a little police politics — okay, so, ya know how cops’ kids can usually avoid speeding tickets just by saying that their dad’s a cop? Well, Jay’s got those brats beat. Apparently, when you write and direct a hilarious cult-classic about cops, you can actually get out of misdemeanors & light felonies. Dozens of cops have pulled Jay over while the joint was still lit and the only warning he got was that he better get his ass out the car and take a damn picture!

Jay’s media savvy must’ve rubbed off on Abe, because following the interview, Abe held a telephone casting call for his depressing, new reality show idea, in which a “loser gets a million dollars and we see how quickly they can ruin it.” Ever the patient human, Abe settled on the first line he picked up — a guy named Chris who was a self-described “drug abusing, gambling addict who loves whores, but has no money and even less self-esteem.” Abe’s reaction? “This guy sounds perfect!”

But don’t worry, folks.. your beloved host isn’t entirely ice cold. Take, for instance, this thoughtful nugget from the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “That’s right when I walk in with the producers and act like I have a heart.”

Abe closed that gut-wrenching call with Chris by assuring him that the contract and other necessary papers will be in the mail “sooner than later.” Normally, I’d say that a potential business partner would be disappointed upon discovering that Abe’s “papers” are just a handful of greasy napkins covered in chicken scratch ramblings about making “that tall paper.” But after hearing how truly crappy Chris’ miserable life is.. getting a fistful of sauce stained contract-napkins in the mail would be like Ralphie opening the Red Ryder on Christmas. Best thing that’s ever happened to him!

The show offered momentary hope of.. offering hope, as listener Adam from Texas joined us for the second straight night. See, originally, I was eager to hear what Adam had to say. He told Stiletto that he was calling to apologize to me, straight up, for some uncoooo comments he made last night. Thoughtful, right? Not only was there no apology, Adam ended up nominating Abe for Squad Leader of Badass Radio Hosts before slurring a demand to talk to Jay Chandrasekhar (who hung up 90 minutes ago) about his “prosthetic, 12-inch black penis from that one movie.”

And, because everything had already fallen apart, we might as well close with this one from the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Wait.. are Indian penises really black?”

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