Friday, August 2, 2013

We kicked this thing off with a little Abe-gression! It’s like normal aggression with no clear path or target. Picture that Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman outside of car dealers, only with knives taped to his hands… that’s Abe-gression! And it happens to Abe every so often, every couple of weeks, you don’t know where it’s coming from. Case and point, we started off the show playing Eazy E’s “Real Mother Fucking G’s” and the first words out of Abe’s mouth were the latest entry into the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I felt like I needed to come hard tonight… especially after getting fucked last night!” Abe is like David Cross’ character in Arrested Development where everything accidentally comes out like a sexual innuendo. What Abe meant to say was “I’m a little fired up this evening because I felt incredibly disrespected by a celebrity after last night’s show!”

It did happen though; Abe and Bass were both disrespected by a celebrity last night depending of course on your definition of disrespect. Last night Abe and Bass went out for their usual Thursday feeding after the show last night when they noticed a tall dark and handsome gentleman siting in a corner. He was radiating that charisma that you feel when a star is present. An aura if you will. This guy was just trying to get his eat on without getting mobbed as he usually does when he goes out. I mean, can’t a former NBA player who just so happened to be dressed in his 1987 Chicago Bulls road uniform grab a burger under the radar for once? Abe and Bass recognized the guy after reading his back and it was none other than Pete Meyers.  If you don’t know the name… no one does! Well here is how you would know him. He is a real hardwood legend. A go to guy late in the game, when everyone else FOULED OUT.  So anyways, that guy had dinner across from Bass and Abe last night. Do you believe that mother fucker didn’t stop and Abe and Bass’ table on his way out and spin a basketball on his finger for these ? Abe by the way took that as a “snub!” I don’t know what Abe expected, but he probably heard Abe and Bass daring each other to swallow an entire chicken from the table behind. By the way, this is what these dinners escalate into. Calling these dinners is a loose term. Abe and Bass’ dinners are more like a dare. That’s a typical Thursday night for Abe and Bass. They go to restaurants and dare each other to do stuff. Pete Meyers probably heard Abe and Bass drinking gravy through crazy straws and just wanted to get the hell out of there and climb into the driver’s seat of his cab. Abe of course for the entire dinner yelled…“Pete! Pistol Pete! Skeet Skeet! Peter Pete! Hey Peter Pan!” Abe disrespected the guy the entire dinner and thinks he is the real victim. Personally if I were Abe, I would be far more offended by looking up and seeing Bass in his dress Bulls T shirt asking to see the dessert cart for the third time.

We were then joined live by the White Power Ranger and I hate to air our dirty laundry on the air but this was a total fail. Some heads are going to roll after the show.  It had nothing to do with the fact that the guy told us to hurry the hell up because he only had 4 or maybe 5 minutes to talk to us. And he just wanted to “Promote my Twitter!” That part we can live with, it happens. The real problem with that whole thing was that when our producer Stiletto booked this guy, didn’t include the words “Mighty Morphin” so all week we prepped to interview  a “White Power” ranger. The entire interview was the first ever “Lightning Round” interview. After 5 minutes which we barely made because it felt like 50, the phone line dropped. And it was right on time too because a truck load of his Power Ranger buddies pulled up in his driveway to karate chop each other all night.

Isaac the squad leader of “Glass Dicks” called in to “give a shout out to my co-worker Derek!” That was his lead.  We eventually found out that he wanted to share a story about also being snubbed by a celebrity Bronson Pinchot from “Perfect Strangers” who was a total dick to the squad leader of “Glass Dicks” for not stopping when the hammered guy was shouting “Dookie!”  On Holly wood Boulevard. How did he not know that Isaac meant “Balki?” We found out Abe’s list of top celebrities who have “never hit a valley or rough patch” includes Justin Timberlake, Mila Kunis, Jim Mcmahon, and He-Man.

In honor of Abe’s birthday, Ms. Kanan called in to sing Happy Birthday to Abe. It’s kind of her thing. She also called in on Sam’s birthday. Abe of course is competitive and wants to know whose version of the Happy Birthday was better. I hate to say it, but Sam’s version was better. When she sang to Sam, I felt that shit! It was like in Shawshank Redemption when Andy Dufresne put that record on in the prison and all those prisoners stopped and looked up. Tonight was more like Dave Matthews doing “Ants Marching.”

We talked about Jack White who is an asshole! He named a rat after one of our old co-workers and then thanked the rat which shared the name with our old co-worker before God on a White Stripes album because she dare played an unauthorized White Stripes track on the radio. It’s kind of like David Draiman who was a male nurse in Deerfield before he was the lead singer of Disturbed. Every morning while giving Mr. Kemp his Tapioca pudding would say that he wants to see him bleed!

Thanks to Blackhawks legend Jeremy Roenick for calling in to talk about Jack White. We found out that Raven Symone is Gayven Symone. She is a lesbian. Scissor me timbers! Kurt Angle, his two “I’s” are Intoxication, Inebriation, and I’m never driving again. He got is 4th DUI in 6 years. We found out that Major League Baseball is selling the wave. Lipton Iced Tea bought it, personally I would be more excited if James Lipton bought it and came out in the 7th inning. And we found out that Bass wants to fuck every old chick ever!  Abe Kanan Quotebook: “I’m conditioned to eat shit!” Happy Birthday to Abe!

All Rights Reserved. © 2023 AbeKanan.com