Friday, February 01, 2013

We kicked off the show as any Friday show should be kicked off – opening up the phone lines & lettin’ them digits breathe! That’s right — Open Phones Friiiiidayyyyy! Of course, Abe was merely mocking “morning zoo” radio shows who, for some reason, feel that promoting their request line pairs well with the natural excitement of a Friday.

Quick side note: the more I hear Abe mock these hack radio peeps – classic rockers & wacky zoos – I think part of him wishes he could say “It’s Uncle Abe, in ’til 3! Spinnin’ the platters that matter & pumpin’ the wattage to your cottage, baby!”

And despite the fact that Sam, Bass & I changed every calendar in Abe’s day-to-day life, he still realized that today was, in fact, the “1st of tha Month.” Which means that we got our monthly dose of Bone Thugs & Harmony. Interesting tidbits: all original members are still alive & still together. That’s like the hip-hop version of a unicorn.

Abe asked Tim Sabean to be his Valentine. We’re still waiting for Tim to circle yes or no.

We were joined live by Syracuse NewsChannel 9 reporter James Gaddis — he’s the guy who originally broke the whole CM Punk / Thomas Dotterer story. After we ran out of things to talk about, Abe said, “Well… okay… so, then, I guess… James, you’ll be our go-to guy next time…. something happens in Syracuse.”

Actor/comedian (and I use those terms loosely) Mark Cooper was scheduled to join us, but never called in. We’ve been looking into the mixup and sadly, Mr. Cooper is still hangin’. Only it’s from 5 feet of piano wire.

Terry, our Prison Squad Leader, checked in & inadvertently gave us a good Valentine’s Day idea. If you’re looking to do something unexpected & not cliché, take your lady hunting, shoot a baby bear out of a tree, lay her over the still-beating carcass & make her “shake that bear.” While diamonds might be a girl’s best friend, she will NEVER forget that.

I volunteered to start giving Sam a ride home after every show.. all 8 blocks from the studio. Abe’s been doing it for the last two years and, apparently, HATED every last second of it. Abe told me that I was, “taking it off of his plate.” Which is funny considering that Abe doesn’t use a plate. With the exception of Christmas & Thanksgiving, every meal is eaten off of the paper bag it comes in.

Abe’s favorite UFC fighter (this week), Pat Barry joined us live. He was like the Disneyland of badasses. What a surprisingly happy guy!

Abe was talking to Pat about his fighting style and how, win or lose, it’s always exciting. That gave us this entry in the Pat Barry Quotebook: “I might not be able to finish you off. My head might hit the ground & my eyes might roll in the back of my head. But you’re gonna remember this for the rest of your life.” Interestingly enough, I used my MemoMizer2000 to cross-reference previous show memos and Bass actually used those same words to describe sex with him.

A few other Pat Barry highlights:

  • If you EVER see him in public, demand that he give you his shoes. The ones he’s wearing. He loves that!
  • He said he recently got a voicemail from Brock Lesnar, in whcih Brock said he was interesting in “rolling around with him.” And because I’m too much of a puss to make any gay insinuations when a professional fighter is on the phone… I’m doing it now
  • A note to all you young wrestlers — Pat hates the whole cutting weight, making weight nonsense. He recommends eating whatever you want! Anything. But for dessert, you have your index finger. Twice the taste, none of the calories.
  • Abe suggested that Pat start “dressing like Sagat” when he walks to the cage. Sagat, I later found out was a character in Street Fighter. I never got into that game. So for 3 minutes, I couldn’t understand why Abe & Pat both thought it’d be amazing to dress like Danny Tanner.

Every time I see Bass, I think to myself, “God, I wish he had been born 50 years ago.” But today, we realized that it’d have actually benefitted Bass & not just those of us who are miserable in his presence. Bass would’ve made the perfect baritone in a doo-wop band. Picture this oaf in a sharp powder blue suit (good luck finding a tailor for that shape) & snapping his fingers with a huge smile on that mug. And because he’s the laziest person on earth, there’s nothing easier than making a living by saying “oooohh ooooh” 10 times a night.

Female fans of Bass will want to hustle to Abe’s twitter (@abekanan) to see the recently released Bass sex tape. Lately, Bass has been obsessed with the idea that he’s “getting famous.” So he “wanted to release it myself.. just to get ahead of the media firestorm.” It’s weird that he chose Ray-J as his partner though.

Abe tried convincing all the ladies that they should be excited for “Magic Mike 2.” Which kinda reminded me of the time I gave my ex-wife two tickets to see WWE in Evansville, Indiana for HER birthday. We both knew it was a thinly veiled gift for ME.

Observation: Whenever a short-tempered prick blows up, someone in the room always lets out a very breathy “Jeeeesus.” Pay attention. It happens every time.

We talked about the sad career arc of a professional cheerleader. You don’t often hear Fortune500 companies announce something like, “Brenda Miller… before coming to PepsiCo, she was a cheerleader for the St. Louis Rams. Head cheerleader.”

We talked about Dakota Fanning, who, believe it or not, just turned 18. Her first adult career move? Film a nude scene! The movie just premiered at Sundance, but no word on whether we see South Dakota, or if it’s just North Dakota.

And finally, an entry from the Abe Kanan Quotebook: “Who’s the ugly chick from Karate Kid 4?” (Note: He was trying to think of Hillary Swank & chose that as his reference)

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